AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Aquaman and the Lost Art of Moviemaking. AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM finds Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) seeking to destroy the world with the aid of a black trident owned by a phantom king from a lost undersea kingdom. As a side-dish, Manta wants revenge on Aquaman (Jason Momoa) for killing his father. Aquaman saves the day with his … Read More

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THE FLASH 2023

Poffy The Cucumber

Jackass and Jackassier. Flash uses his super-speed to time-travel into the past to stop his mother’s murder. And meets his younger self. And discovers he’s a jackass. THE FLASH is a surprisingly touching film about the love between a son and his mother; a poignant theme which is subsumed by the bombast of the perfunctory CGI and obligatory juvenile gags … Read More

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WONDER WOMAN 1984

Poffy The Cucumber

Women be Equal… in Objectifying Men. WONDER WOMAN 1984, the sequel to 2017’s lauded, woman-empowering WONDER WOMAN, forgets how to ‘human,’ let alone empower women. The movie opens on Barbara (Kristen Wiig), a shapely office blonde, who drops to all fours to pick up papers she just fumbled, and three guys walk past her without a second glance – because … Read More

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AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

The Way of Resting On Laurels, Bro. James Cameron’s AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER, like its predecessor, AVATAR (2009), will leave you agape at the superbly realized world it envelops you in; will leave you stunned at the scintillating imagination running wild on the silver screen, and yet will have you scratching your head at the lazy screenwriting and banal … Read More

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MOONFALL 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

…and we thought ARMAGEDDON was devoid of science. MOONFALL is Roland Emmerich’s latest disaster– I mean, disaster movie. The Moon de-orbits toward Earth, and only a conspiracy theorist can save the day! Thanks for giving conspiracy asshats a platform, Roland! John Bradley is the conspiracy nut, KC, whose wildest theories about the Moon being a megastructure built by aliens are … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-07: MY FRIEND, MR NOBODY

Poffy The Cucumber

Angela Cartwright: Star Lite. Penny gets her moment in the sun… or at least, on a planet orbiting a different sun, as she is the focus of this drug-induced episode, where she befriends a disembodied voice in a cave, only to have that voice attack her family via an earthquake through a misunderstanding, and for it to then reconcile with … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-06: WELCOME STRANGER

Poffy The Cucumber

The Garbled Gaslighting of Irwin Allen. What the Robinsons thought was a missile heading toward them in the previous episode cliffhanger, turns out to be a spacecraft. It lands, and a regular human man exits. He’s sporting a cowboy hat and a Southern accent. And all the promise that LOST IN SPACE showed in this first Season, as a serious … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-05: THE HUNGRY SEA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Plotline That Needn’t Be. I don’t think the writers know how spaceships work: that they insulate the people inside from extremes of cold and heat. Writers Shimon Wincelberg and William Welch want to get the Space Family Robinson into a situation not unlike the Swiss Family Robinson: out on the open sea in a raging tempest… So begins the … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-04: THERE WERE GIANTS IN THE EARTH

Poffy The Cucumber

Giant Cyclops, Tiny Science. First of all, that title – There Were Giants In The Earth. This ain’t Earth. And that fact alone should make the Space Family Robinson think twice about any interaction they have with the native fauna or flora… it doesn’t, as they go about eating the flora and killing the fauna, even though the movie year … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-03: ISLAND IN THE SKY

Poffy The Cucumber

Bubble-Headed Badboy and Deadly Dr. Smith. Professor John Robinson (Guy Williams) has gone out the airlock of the Jupiter to apparently “fly” down to the planet they are orbiting to scope it out. One would think there are instruments onboard the spaceship that would carry out all that spectroscopy and visual reconnaissance. Nope. The only piece of tech the writers … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-02: THE DERELICT

Poffy The Cucumber

Sinister Spaceships and Ferocious Furniture. The Space Family Robinson is pulled into a hulking derelict spaceship and attacked by lounge chairs. LOST IN SPACE Season 1 Episode 2 begins exactly where the last episode left off. Professor John Robinson (Guy Williams) is floating away from the Jupiter 2 after his tow-line has broken, as wife Maureen (June Lockhart) watches helplessly, … Read More

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JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION

Poffy The Cucumber

Insectovorus Plotarmordon. Dinosaurs are everywhere. Loosed on the world in 2018’s FALLEN KINGDOM, they’re now as ubiquitous as cats and dogs in JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION. The stars of JURASSIC WORLD, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, are teamed alongside JURASSIC PARK legacy players Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum, to take down Biosyn, the Big Bad Corp messing with … Read More

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LICENSE TO KILL

Poffy The Cucumber

Revenge is best served Bond… James Bond goes rogue, on a vendetta to destroy the man who tried to kill his best friend. LICENSE TO KILL cold opens with a gag copied by Christopher Nolan himself in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES (2012)! On the fly, James Bond hooks a biplane’s tail to a helicopter to drag it into custody, nose-down … Read More

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THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS

Poffy The Cucumber

Bringing the sexy back. James Bond 007 is back, with a savage demeanor, a rocket-shooting car, a KGB plot, an illegal arms deal, a beautiful blonde, an even more beautiful secretary, and a double double-cross. THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS takes its title from Ian Fleming’s 14th book and final collection of Bond short stories published in 1966, Octopussy and The Living … Read More

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A VIEW TO A KILL

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A View To A Stuntman. 57-year-old Roger Moore finally ages out of the Bond franchise, in his seventh and final fling as James Bond 007 in A VIEW TO A KILL, a movie that could easily win the prize for The Stuntman Most Looking Not Like The Star. The title is from the Ian Fleming short story From a View … Read More

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NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

To Bond or not to Bond. NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN is the Bond film that confuses everyone and gives Cubby Broccoli heartburn. Released just 4 months after OCTOPUSSY – the “authorized” Bond film from Broccoli’s EON Productions (starring Roger Moore) – NEVER was produced by Orion Pictures and, from what I can tell, was made out of spite by writer-producer … Read More

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OCTOPUSSY

Poffy The Cucumber

Eight times the vagina. James Bond was this close to being James Brolin. After five films as Bond, Roger Moore was ready to quit, he himself feeling that his age was becoming an untenable factor in the action-packed life of his playboy spy. After Moore’s previous film, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY, Albert “Cubby” Broccoli’s EON Productions went hunting for another … Read More

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FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that goes Greek on us… James Bond 007 retrieves a missile controller from a sunken British warship, and helps a Greek woman avenge her parents’ murder while trying to go Greek on her. In the cold open, we meet Bond (Roger Moore, 5th time) laying flowers on the grave of Teresa Bond, “Beloved Wife of James Bond. We … Read More

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THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Poffy The Cucumber

Spy Sandwich. James Bond 007 and his female Russian counterpart, Agent XXX, are ordered to join forces to stop a megalomaniac sinking civilization beneath the sea. But is it naïve of M and KGB not to know that when England and Russia end up in bed together – they really end up in bed together? THE SPY WHO LOVED ME … Read More

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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Moore suave, Moore sexual, Moore savage! Roger Moore slams into his second thrilling James Bond 007 actioner, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (from the 12th Bond novel by Ian Fleming, publ. 1965), targeted by the world’s most expensive hitman, who is plotting to hold the world hostage to the golden sun. Cold open on the million-dollar hitman, Scaramanga. (Christopher … Read More

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