AVENGERS: ENDGAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Deus ex Marvela. The Elevator Pitch: “Think: BACK TO THE FUTURE meets STAR TREK IV – the Avengers travel back in time, to retrieve these McGuffins in the past that will fix things in the present.” And producer Kevin Feige asked, “Can it be wacky, like in BACK TO THE FUTURE where they’re sneaking around their past selves and suddenly … Read More

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

Poffy The Cucumber

The Mundane Magic of Marvel. Everyone dies. The End. Audience gape in shock as Star-Lord fade to ashes [ooo-spoilers!], gnash their teeth when T’Challa float away on breeze, cry in anguish as Spider-Man say, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good…” But all we have to do is glance at imdb to see that sequels to GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, … Read More

RED 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Better Dead Than RED 2. A bunch of stunts and car chases got together and called itself RED 2. It convinced Bruce Willis and John Malkovich to reprise their roles as Frank Moses and Marvin, ex-CIA Retired-Extremely-Dangerous overactors, “indicating” their way through this spy comedy. Movie also convinced Helen Mirren to reprise her role as the most dangerous wetwork queen … Read More

THE CROODS

Poffy The Cucumber

Crood. Rhymes with Good. Nicolas Cage is a caveman with a lowbrow attitude toward life and forward momentum, and in the animated comedy THE CROODS, Nicolas Cage is a caveman with a lowbrow attitude toward life and forward momentum. He’s Grug, pater to a prehistoric family, who is faced with the decision to adapt or die. It’s the process of … Read More

COSMOS 2014: EPISODE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

COSMOS continues treading H2O. COSMOS: A SPACE-TIME ODYSSEY is an ambitious venture, treading in the footsteps of gods, attempting to explain Life, the Universe and Everything, while retaining a connectivity between the farthest galaxy, the smallest microbe, and you and I. The opening montage says it all, with its morphing images of a chasm into an eye, a spiral galaxy … Read More

COSMOS 2014: EPISODE 1

Poffy The Cucumber

COSMOS Lite for the generation of attention-deficit gamesters. They call COSMOS: A SPACE-TIME ODYSSEY a reboot (which is a fad term for movie properties rehashed due to lack of original scripts, brand recognition and merchandising venality). So this update of ever-changing scientific information is most decidedly not a reboot, but a new introduction to the same old information about Life, … Read More

FLIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

A career ruined by alcohol, a movie ruined by Alcoholics Anonymous. FLIGHT opens with a tit, a drink, a smoke and a bump. This movie is gonna be… Absolutely Awesome! Whip Whitaker (Denzel Washington) wakes in a hotel room with a solid “9” (Nadine Velazquez), who nonchalantly goes about nakedly lighting a cig and finding her clothes. Whip answers his … Read More

THE AVENGERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Hero-Palooza Shakespearean lightning and thunder arrows, red white and blue shields and golden armor, emerald rage and badass Morpheus longcoat, and Scarlett Johansson’s leather pearbottom. Oh AVENGERS, how sweet thou fury! The god Loki (Tom Hiddleston, Brit-leering and still looking like Data from STAR TREK GENERATIONS) has come to Earth from Asgard to conquer and destroy. And Earth’s mightiest heroes … Read More

VAN HELSING

Poffy The Cucumber

It was a Monster Mash! How does Kate Beckinsale run in those stilettos? She is one of the most beautiful women on this ugly planet – but that Boris-and-Natasha accent is a real turn-off. Her Transylvanian is worse than Don Cheadle’s cockney. In VAN HELSING, Beckinsale is Anna Valerious, a European village warrior woman with big hair, big sword and … Read More

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

Poffy The Cucumber

Red, White and Boob. In World War II, a patriotic American weakling, Steve Rogers, is injected with a top secret military serum to become a super soldier. Yes, it’s Captain America! The red, white and blue avenger, in the best comicbook movie of the decade – and by that I mean, it’s lightweight and predictable and aimed at twelve-year-olds. CAPTAIN … Read More

FATHER OF THE BRIDE 1991

Poffy The Cucumber

Bridal Cower. A film with charm, grace and laughs, FATHER OF THE BRIDE is a rarity in the pantheon of White American Romantic Comedies (WARC). Firstly, because it’s watchable. Secondly, because it is post-comedy Steve Martin and it’s still watchable. Remade from the 1950 Spencer Tracy farce of the same name, director Charles Shyer retains that film’s original twist on … Read More

FATHER OF THE BRIDE PART II

Poffy The Cucumber

The sequel doesn’t fall far from the remake. Two pregnant chicks. Male demographic fleeing into the night, the repeated sounds of “yuk” and “eeurw” and “gimme a break” issuing like feculence into the slipstream of retreat. It was so easy to use someone else’s ideas to remake the 1950 film FATHER OF THE BRIDE that director-writer husband-wife team Charles Shyer … Read More

THE ABYSS

Poffy The Cucumber

Underwater Flying Objects. He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. — Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146 (1886). James Cameron‘s parable about humans in an alien environment (at the bottom of the sea) close-encountering … Read More

THE A-TEAM

Poffy The Cucumber

There’s no ‘A’ in TEAM. I wrote in ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN, “There’s nothing deep here; crack a beer, strip down to your wife-beater and just enjoy it.” Ditto THE A-TEAM. More like the C+ team. The only ‘A’ in this movie is for Audacity. Or Ass – Jessica Biel’s. From the 80’s TV series of the same name, … Read More

FERNGULLY: THE LAST RAINFOREST

Poffy The Cucumber

Fairies Wear Boots. A corporation is logging the Australian Ferngully rainforest – and the fairies don’t like it! So… conserving rainforests is not to preserve the complex ecosystem and therefore the delicate balance of life on Earth itself. No – it’s so FAIRIES will have a place to live. The film is dedicated to: “Our Children and Our Childrens’ Children.” … Read More

VOLCANO

Poffy The Cucumber

You Maniacs! You blew it up! VOLCANO is nothing but fun fun fun, seeing the city of my residence – Los Angeles, California – the city that has given me nothing but attitude attitude attitude being blown all to hell. Tommy Lee Jones is the head of the Department for Fixin’ Stuff and Anne Heche is a geologist. In the … Read More

BEOWULF

Poffy The Cucumber

So Close… Yet So Beowulf. “I am Beowulf!” yells Beowulf. Five minutes later, he full-throats again, “I am Beowulf!” for those arriving late, we presume… Divebombing into a raging sea of serpents, sword slashing on bloodied sinew, warrior man-meat glistening with sev– “I am Beowulf!” – Okay dude, now you’re just feeding some deep-rooted insecurity complex… “Beowulf” is the oldest … Read More

CONTACT

Poffy The Cucumber

Buried within The Message from Vega – The Message from Sagan. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND needed updating. CONTACT is that update. Though it may never attain the lofty heights of commercialism that CLOSE ENCOUNTERS enjoyed, CONTACT is, in fact, a more intelligent vision of extra-terrestrial communication with our outer-spiral-arm planet. Jodie Foster is SETI maverick, Ellie Arroway, who … Read More

CAST AWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

A Breath Of Fresh Island Air. Chuck Noland (plump Tom Hanks), inextricably married to his time-sensitive, nerve-fraying job as FedEx consultant, instead of to quietly-suffering fiancé Kelly (Helen Hunt), finds himself suddenly and unceremoniously negated from Civilization’s jetstream when a plane crash leaves him Stranded On A Desert Island. CAST AWAY seems to be nothing new: we’ve seen and heard … Read More

IDENTITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Identity Cleft. More than a murder mystery. More than a psychological thriller. More than a horror movie. IDENTITY is its own special slice of crazy. With most viewers being either misled by this movie’s similarities to Agatha Christie’s TEN LITTLE INDIANS, or just pompously broadcasting their knowledge IDENTITY was inspired by it, they missed the point this was not a “murder mystery” per … Read More