AVPR: ALIENS VS. PREDATOR REQUIEM

Poffy The Cucumber

Requiem for a Dweeb. Hundreds of Aliens. One Predator. No actors. The splash-slogans on the DVD packaging of ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM scream at us louder than the Predator’s roar: “More Blood… More Guts… More Gore!” Pretty much guarantees a maximum rating of five cucumbers out of ten – if everything else is top-notch. Everything else is not. Sucking never hurt so … Read More

ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN

Poffy The Cucumber

ANY WHICH WAY is a “Right Turn, Clyde!” “Right turn, Clyde!” – and the orangutan’s fist shoots out the passenger window, impacting anyone dumb enough to have their face there. It’s just one of many running gags in this inexplicable, fuzzy film. ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN (sequel to EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE) opens with an illegal street fight, … Read More

ALIENS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Warrior/Goddess Dichotomy and the Eternal Feminine. ALIENS! Leaping, screeching, hissing, grabbing – hellish armies of H.R. Giger’s inscrutable extra-terrestrial life forms, swarming killing machines going elongated-head to jar-head with the United States Marines (Roger Ramjet Space Division, Glib Company). Writer-Director James Cameron helms this sequel to one of the landmark space/horror films of our time, ALIEN (1979). And it … Read More

AMERICAN PSYCHO

Poffy The Cucumber

Exotic Psychotic. About a yuppie serial killer who finds he is slowly going insane, not from killing people, but from the boredom of doing so. This comedy is not just black – it’s black with sprinkles on top and a human head on a spike. From the hilariously disturbing Bret Easton Ellis novel of the same name (screenstoried by Mary … Read More

AMERICAN GANGSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Smooth Criminal. Whadaya know – Crime DOES pay! Or so it seems at the conclusion of AMERICAN GANGSTER, when a career gangster and a struggling cop are laffing it up in a montage, collaborating to bring down the gangster’s empire. Now why would they be doing that? I’ll get to that subtle mismanaged message in a moment. Hmm, a movie … Read More

AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM

Poffy The Cucumber

American Dream-mare. Michael Moore wishes he could go this deep. Income tax is illegal. It’s not a radical battle cry – it’s the Constitution. Now that you can’t un-know that fact, life is going to get real scary… In the documentary AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM, film-maker Aaron Russo (producer behind THE ROSE and TRADING PLACES), goes on a quest to … Read More

THE AVIATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

That Magnificent Man and His Flying Machines. A powerful biopic of sex, insanity and aeroplanes. In any order. Martin Scorsese directs THE AVIATOR based loosely on the life of Howard Hughes, with Leonardo DiCaprio adequately filling the shoes and flying the skies of the eccentric billionaire. (Leo’s star status slightly distracts, as does his phony accent. Jim Carrey – originally … Read More

ACCEPTED

Poffy The Cucumber

Entirely Unacceptable. In the tiresome ACCEPTED, Justin Long is Bartleby Gaines, rejected from a series of reputable colleges. To appease his parents, he forges an acceptance letter to a fake college, and then finds he must create an actual campus to follow through with his ruse. So is born the South Harmon Institute of Technology (the sophomoric acronym S.H.I.T. used … Read More

APOCALYPTO

Poffy The Cucumber

An Epic Fable in a Jugular Vein. MEL GIBSON’S APOCALYPTO is a bone axe to the cervical vertebrae at the base of the skull; jungle-wild beauty juxtaposed with bestial brutality, exceptionally well-executed. Emphasis on executed. Though an ominous quote by Will Durant opens the film (“A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within”), … Read More

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

Poffy The Cucumber

A Romantic State of Union. “Romantic comedies” have long been relegated to the demeaning stable of Chick Flicks because their sophomoric bent allows them no breadth of intelligence or forays into behavior with balls – pussies browbeat men into behaving like pussies, whilst pulp novella situations play out in a world inhabited by pussified male models and Jennifer Lopez. Director … Read More

ALL THE KING’S MEN 2006

Poffy The Cucumber

…couldn’t put this movie together again. At least Sean Penn doesn’t use ALL THE KING’S MEN as another vehicle to showcase his talent for crying on cue. With a down-home accent that needs subtitles more desperately than Mel Gibson’s ocker in MAD MAX needed overdubbing, Penn plays Louisiana politician Willie Stark, a rambunctious gadfly who attempts to usurp power from … Read More

ALONG CAME POLLY

Poffy The Cucumber

Along Came Seymour. In ALONG CAME POLLY, Ben Stiller is yet another dweeby nebbish, Jennifer Aniston, yet another luminous man-toy, carnal love muscle. How do writers squeeze any further substance from these same drop-dead-boring characters? Stiller is Reuben Feffer, depressed after leaving his slut wife (Debra Messing), finding rebound romance in the arms of Polly (Aniston). Adversity ensues blah blah … Read More

ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY

Poffy The Cucumber

When The Anchorman was Man-Anchor. Will Ferrell makes me laugh. I’m not afraid to say it anymore. His shamelessness knows no bounds and I, for one, salute his strangely misshapen nude torso. In ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY, Ferrell is the blowhard, brain-soft title character, in love with his own self-proclaimed legend. And why not? His veteran standing and … Read More

THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY

Poffy The Cucumber

Masterpiece of a Masterpiece. Stupendous over-acting from both Rex Harrison and Our Man Charlton is the saving grace of director Carol Reed‘s lavish THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY, which threatens to bog itself sermonizing over religion and art, set in an epoch seemingly dominated by both, The Renaissance. Adapted from a slice of Irving Stone‘s book of the same name, … Read More

ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

When Over-The-Top is Under-Achieving. Alllrighty then… Like a ballistic missile launched from the irreverent camp of IN LIVING COLOR, (of which he was the odd-white-man-out alumnus), Jim Carrey‘s second-ever leading role as the eponymous ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE remains a watershed performance of mega-ultra-outré singularity. The plot of the singularly incongruous Pet Detective (roving rampant amidst the real police department’s investigations) recovering … Read More

APOLLO 13

Poffy The Cucumber

The Greatest Successful Failure of all Time. O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon… — Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet.” As I watch Ron Howard‘s APOLLO 13, I smell that familiar kerosene funk in the air: solid rocket boosters firing, RP-1 propellant and liquid hydrogen surging, flux capacitor giga-watting – yes, it’s the Tom Hanks Oscar-Machine … Read More

AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

AVP: Audience Versus Padding. The question is not whether an “Alien” can overcome a “Predator” (ignorant semantics, as the two non-human species in this film are both “aliens” and “predators”); the real battle is pitting the movie’s Audience against its interminable Padding scenes. Can – we – survive? With my leg bloodied from the onslaught and a gaping wound in … Read More

APACHE

Poffy The Cucumber

Corn-y Apache. APACHE: yet another grandiose insult to the Native American people, pretending in its own racist way to be a tribute. To watch the original trailer for APACHE, one would think it is about Apache Massai (Burt Lancaster) waging war on the White Eyes against their snide peace treaties to the Native Americans. It fails to mention how White … Read More