THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Gruesome, gory, and oh so cute. THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE is the indie sequel to the sloppy slasher shitfest BUNNYMAN (2011), continuing the extravagant gore in the tradition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), except the skin-mask has been replaced by a bunny head. And really, really bad acting. Bunnyman (Joshua Lang, attired in constant bunny suit) goes on a killing … Read More

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BILL COSBY: FAR FROM FINISHED

Poffy The Cucumber

Far From Funny. What most vexes me about Bill Cosby is not his refusal to use profanity – but his holier-than-thou attitude towards people who do. And that’s everyone else. It has become such an obsession with him that he opens his latest comedy special, FAR FROM FINISHED, whining about the fact that he doesn’t swear and other comedians do. … Read More

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BRAVE

Poffy The Cucumber

That hair! That hair! That hair!… What story? So this is what Rebekah Brooks did before she was personal assistant to media magnate and zombie apocalypser Rupert Murdoch. In the Pixar production BRAVE, Rebekah’s avatar Princess Merida is graced with ravenous lava locks so visually titillating it distracts viewers into lauding the movie as a modern classic. You lost me … Read More

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BATMAN RETURNS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bat, The Cat and The Fat. Something happened between BATMAN and BATMAN RETURNS. The eighties had ended, George H.W. Bush ended his one-term presidency, CGI was invented, and director Tim Burton was so depressed about all these things that the tears in his eyes must’ve clouded his Dark Knight vision. Crooked businessman Max Shreck makes an underground freak, The … Read More

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THE BENCHWARMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Man-ginas Assemble! Question: How retarded do you have to be to enjoy THE BENCHWARMERS? Answer: Pretty fuckin’ retarded. When Rob Schneider is the best thing in your movie, you’ve got a problem. And when Rob Schneider is actually good in your movie, you really have to wonder at how bad everything else is to make this actor’s excuse for a … Read More

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BULLET TO THE HEAD

Poffy The Cucumber

Bullets On The Brain. BULLET TO THE HEAD is Sylvester Stallone in Gritty Tragic Mode, an old-school hitman named Jimmy Bonomo, whose partner is killed by a mercenary after what should have been a regulation whacking. On the other side of the tracks, a cop’s partner is killed by the same merc in what should also have been a regulation … Read More

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BLACK SWAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Swan Quake. My God, but ballet is boring! Thank God for Natalie Portman masturbating! Neurotic ballerina Nina (Portman) jockeys for the coveted Swan Queen role in a production of Swan Lake… Let’s not pretend elitism – all the roles look the same to me: girls on their tippy-toes and guys in penis-hugging tights. The obsessive director (Vincent Cassel) tells the … Read More

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BURIED

Poffy The Cucumber

Grave Trouble. Primal Fear time! One actor, one location, one goal: get me the hell outa here! An ingenious piece of filmmaking! Taken as a thought experiment, as a Hitchcockian mystery, as a suspense thriller, as an intense gutshock drama, BURIED – to borrow from a breezy Clint movie – will turn you Every Which Way But Loose. Ryan Reynolds … Read More

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BRIDESMAIDS

Poffy The Cucumber

Marriage of heaven and hell. One blond (Kristen Wiig), one brunette (Rose Byrne) and one fatty (Melissa McCarthy). Covering all the demos, are we? BRIDESMAIDS was advertised as being a Chick Flick version of SUPERBAD. Nope. It’s just super bad. About a lonely bridesmaid (Wiig) who battles another snobbish bridesmaid (Byrne) for the affections of the ugly bride (Maya Rudolph). … Read More

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BIUTIFUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Melancholia all over ya. Never has depressing looked so… BIUTIFUL. If you thought you knew tragedy or heartache or squalor or depression, from the likes of TRAINSPOTTING or ETHAN FROME or SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE or THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s gritty film about a small time Spanish thief from the slums of Barcelona, who discovers he has cancer and … Read More

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BAD TEACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

BAD TEACHER not good. It’s commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and “ugly,” but BAD TEACHER doesn’t do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly. Foul-mouthed gold-digger Elizabeth (Diaz) takes a teaching job for a year while she cultivates her sugar daddy into marriage. When he dumps her before … Read More

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THE BLOB

Poffy The Cucumber

The Teen Squad Jam Sandwich. When I saw THE BLOB as a young kid, it was terrifying. I didn’t care about the tepid acting, the simple, linear storyline, and especially didn’t notice any subtexts of Sex Equals Death, or Not All American Teen Hooligans Are Bad. And who the hell was Steve McQueen? Now, well, the pulsing strawberry jelly representing … Read More

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THE BEAVER

Poffy The Cucumber

Puppetheart. A man suffering from depression bounces back to functionality when he adopts a beaver puppet to speak for him. Hmm… can’t tell whether THE BEAVER is a tragicomedy or a psychodramedy… it’s cute, it’s furry, it’s got a big mouth and it’s slightly insane – but enough about Mel Gibson. Jodie Foster (who last shared screentime with Gibson in … Read More

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THE BEGUILED

Poffy The Cucumber

…like a woman scorned. And another… and another… and another… Estrogen overload! Clint Eastwood fights for his life behind enemy lines! Yes, he’s trapped in a school full of women! BEGUILED finds wounded Union soldier John McBurney (Eastwood) seeking refuge at a Confederate home for girls, led by spinster Martha (Geraldine Page), who, against her better judgment, tends to his … Read More

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BATTLE LOS ANGELES

Poffy The Cucumber

Who knew battle could be so boring? Extraterrestrial aliens land in Los Angeles and humans battle them. That’s why it’s called BATTLE LOS ANGELES. Creative. Filled brim to barrel bottom with explosions, running, army jargon, and characters we care about just slightly more than the assholes on JERSEY SHORE. It’s as if SAVING PRIVATE RYAN were directed by someone with … Read More

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THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Book of Duderonemy. All The Dude ever wanted was his rug back. –The Dude, THE BIG LEBOWSKI. Thus it begins. Two low-rent thugs mistakenly terrorize shiftless stoner Jeff Lebowski (aka The Dude) instead of the rich mark they were meant to threaten, also named Lebowski. They pee on The Dude’s rug for good measure, precipitating the rug’s demise. That … Read More

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THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

Poffy The Cucumber

In nomine Peckinpah, et spiritus Tarantino. In the name of the father – Peckinpah – and in the spirit of Tarantino. THE BOONDOCK SAINTS is like Sam and Quentin had a baby that hasn’t learned to walk yet. It’s a cult classic because it’s powerful and visceral: two Irish Boston prettyboys go vigilante vocation on the Russian mob, all broguey … Read More

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BRAVEHEART

Poffy The Cucumber

Mel gets medieval on our asses… When the Legend becomes fact, print the Legend. — from THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE. War is Mel. Reprising his MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME hairdo, donning a slimming skort, pumping up the man-ceps and dropping an accent that is either Scottish or some form of Indonesian elvish, Mel Gibson brings the thunder as … Read More

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BLINDNESS

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Looking Good. Here’s an interesting thought-experiment: What if everyone in the world went blind? BLINDNESS unflinchingly explores how humans would deal with the worldwide loss of sight – like a pack of animals. Any surprise? A man goes blind in his car, waiting at a red light. Another man helps him home, then steals his car. Then he goes blind … Read More

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BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA

Poffy The Cucumber

Delicious, with a hint of sour Keanu. In BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, Gary Oldman shows us what acting IS and Keanu Reeves shows us what acting ISN’T. We all know the concept of Dracula; it is in our – ahem – bloodstreams, but in cinema, we rarely see Dracula’s origins. Director Francis Ford Coppolla opens the movie with the event that … Read More

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