Badass Bourne becomes Mild Matty. There’s that SOUTH PARK episode (Red Man’s Greed) with the Native Americans named Runs With Premise and Premise Wearing Thin. If THE BOURNE SUPREMACY (2004) was Runs With Premise, then THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM is Premise Wearing Thin. Another karate chop to the Spock Nerve, another car chase through crowded streets with no liability insurance, another … Read More
BAD SANTA
I Didn’t Shit Right For a Week. So filthy. So disgusting. So irreverent… So funny. Billy Bob Thornton gives new meaning to “Santa Claus is coming to town” as a drunken, lecherous, foul-mouthed thief posing as a department store Santa with his accomplice elf (little person, Tony Cox), only to rob each store that employs them. BAD SANTA is THE … Read More
BURN AFTER READING
Guy Ritchie without the Two Smoking Barrels. At times funny, at times frenetic, at times foolish, BURN AFTER READING is mostly a lost opportunity with a great ensemble cast. Brad Pitt is a goofball Valley Boy (ten years too old for the role), saying “shit” to his heart’s content, as John Malkovich is a recently-fired CIA agent (perfect for the … Read More
THE BOURNE IDENTITY
Bourne To Do It. Batman and Steven Segal had a baby, and his name is Jason Bourne. At least, he thinks that’s his name. After being pulled unconscious from a European ocean, Jason Bourne (Matt Damon, with that overly concerned look on his face that signifies he’s Acting) awakens with a head-throbbing case of Selective Amnesia in THE BOURNE IDENTITY. … Read More
BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD
Doing the business on the family business. “May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.” That old Irish saying warns that you can fool yourself into believing you’re in gravy, until Reality mops the floor with you. Walking a fine line between pulp noir and terrifying reality, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD succeeds … Read More
THE BUCKET LIST
Kicking it Old School. Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson go on a green screen tour of the world. In Irving Stone’s novel about Freud, Passions of the Mind, there’s a line about, “… a time in a man’s life when he stops trying to live and starts trying not to die.”THE BUCKET LIST is about having turned that corner of … Read More
THE BRAVE ONE
Sexy Bronson. Yes, they deserve to die – and I hope they burn in hell! – Samuel L. Jackson, A TIME TO KILL. In THE BRAVE ONE, Jodie Foster is Erica Bain, a New York resident with an independent radio talk show, happily engaged to a young doctor (Naveen Andrews, a Londoner, with Indian ethnicity). One night, walking in Central … Read More
BOEING BOEING
Laughing all the way to the skank. A sex-comedy with no sex and very little comedy. Tony Curtis is an American philandering bachelor living in France, who keeps three airline stewardesses on a string, each thinking they are his fiancé. With their worldwide flying schedules, they are never in town at the same time, so through the simple practice of … Read More
BALLS OF FURY
Kung Fu Ping Pong Panda. BALLS OF FURY is not about ping pong. It’s about Being a Man. It’s about Honor. It’s about uplifting the Human Spirit with–ah, who am I kidding? It IS about ping pong. Starring Dan Fogler, George Lopez, Maggie Q, and the guy who does the second best Christopher Walken impersonation in the world – Christopher … Read More
BE KIND REWIND
Be Kind – Put this movie out of its misery. BE KIND REWIND looks great in the trailers. In long form, not so hot. Mos Def is an excellent actor. Jack Black is an even better comedy tornado. So putting them together in BE KIND REWIND should have begat gold – instead, a debacle as unfunny as your VHS tape … Read More
BURY MY HEART AT WOUNDED KNEE
Bury the Truth of Wounded Knee. I shall not be there. I shall rise and pass. Bury my heart at Wounded Knee. — Stephen Vincent Benét, “American Names.” The Wounded Knee Massacre (aka The Battle at Wounded Knee Creek) was the last major armed conflict of what americans term the “Indian Wars” of the late nineteenth century. BURY MY HEART … Read More
BREACH
Scapegoat for a far more evil government. The tagline of BREACH squeals: “Inspired by the true story of the greatest security breach in U.S. history.” I find that hard to believe. For many reasons, the most compelling being the current Amerikan political environment: by 2007, the United States was staggering, knees buckling under the killing burden of a patently criminal … Read More
BEOWULF
So Close… Yet So Beowulf. “I am Beowulf!” yells Beowulf. Five minutes later, he full-throats again, “I am Beowulf!” for those arriving late, we presume… Divebombing into a raging sea of serpents, sword slashing on bloodied sinew, warrior man-meat glistening with sev– “I am Beowulf!” – Okay dude, now you’re just feeding some deep-rooted insecurity complex… “Beowulf” is the oldest … Read More
BILLY MADISON
For Moron Eyes Only. Billy Madison is the type of mungo film experience that leaves one speechless on how a film of this lowbrow nature could ever have been greenlit. The answer, of course, is because that champion of dullards was involved – Adam Sandler, playing the eponymous Billy Madison with every ounce of talent the christian god forgot to … Read More
BABEL
Babel-icious. Four stories about miscommunication intertwine, spanning continents, cultures, cityscapes and chicks without panties. BABEL is an exhausting, challenging movie, a masterpiece of construction from writer/director Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu; a tale of alienation amongst the throng, of chest-grabbing desperation and fear and isolation – emotionally defibrillating your brain. You come away from BABEL nauseous. That’s what makes it so rewarding. … Read More
BATMAN
Part Noir, Part Comicbook, All Knight. Who knew MR. MOM could make such an awe-inspiring, vigilante crimefighter? With gadgets formulated from watching Martha Stewart, a cape hewn from a reconditioned wooby and an unsurpassed knowledge of daytime soaps, Michael Keaton squeezed his distinctive lip structure into that sacred cowl and surprised everyone to become the Sean Connery of Batmen. Arguably … Read More
BLACK SNAKE MOAN
Soft-Porn Groan. BLACK SNAKE MOAN is almost as confused as its lead character, Rae. Christina Ricci is Rae, all skin and bone-able, portrayed as a nymphomaniac. But she’s not really. She’s also supposedly an alcoholic. But she’s not really. She is also painted as a pill-popper, but again – well, let’s go deeper than the junkets… The junkets would have … Read More
BLOOD DIAMOND
A Rough in the Diamond. The greed of the human animal is such a compelling thing that even decrying that greed will only feed it. Such is the paradox facing Edward Zwick‘s powerful BLOOD DIAMOND, a movie set in the west African country of Sierra Leone in 1999, when Revolutionary United Front rebels took over the nation’s capital, using diamonds … Read More
BORAT: CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN
For Make Laugh on Jew and Retard. This movie is retard. Either or audience is retard for not stop laughing. Never has been a movie exposing more people so red of neck or so mong of loid. We may see these stereo of type in your AMERICA UNDERCOVER, your 60 MINUTES or your THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, but here compendium … Read More
BIG DADDY
Daddy Stupidest. Raising a kid is easy! Especially if you’re a shiftless imbecile with no talent, goals, ambition or responsibility. Cue Adam Sandler. Playing Sonny Koufax in BIG DADDY as only Sandler can (somewhere between mildly retarded and idiot savant), raising an abandoned five-year-old, Julian (played by Cole Sprouse and Dylan Sprouse), Sonny’s parenting methods involve lots of newspaper and … Read More