Not for squares. 50 disparate people stand in a staggered circle facing each other, on some kind of technological dais, where the floor is touch-sensitive to their presence, so they cannot move off their individual space or touch each other on pain of electrocution. Black background, like some episode of LOST IN SPACE or THE TIME TUNNEL. Every two minutes, … Read More
CANDYMAN
Bad movie with a good hook. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Candyman. Say it five times into a mirror and Candyman appears to kill you. Unless you’re Virginia Madsen. Madsen is Helen, doing a thesis on urban legends. She is told the Candyman myth – of the tall, black, gravel-voiced phastasm, with a hook for a hand and a pimpin’ longcoat, … Read More
THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES
Even Kurt Klaus kan’t save kristmas. If you thought Kurt Russell could save THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES idiocy by Being Kurt Russell, well… almost. But it’s getting harder and harder to polish these christmas turds, as screenwriters must deal with children who every year get more and more sophisticated. And trying to explain away magic as science is sounding stupider and … Read More
THE CONJURING
Paradise by the Jump-Scare Light. If this movie didn’t have jump-scares, it wouldn’t have any scares at all. Clichéd Haunted Houses Monthly awarded THE CONJURING its highest honor: “Best Movie With A Middle-American Family Moving Into An Obvious Haunted House Where Murders Were Committed.” The movie was also given a plaque by the Organization For Jump-Scares And Orchestra Stabs, with … Read More
CONVERSATIONS WITH A KILLER: THE TED BUNDY TAPES
Extremely Wickedly Good. CONVERSATIONS WITH A KILLER: THE TED BUNDY TAPES is a well-produced documentary about the serial killer who was as pretty as the asses of the 20-year-old girls he sunk his teeth into. Too soon?… BUNDY TAPES wins on every level, because it is just that! Ted Bundy – the psychopath himself – speaking on cassette recordings made … Read More
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1990
Shield us from this movie! They tried to fix Captain America in 1990. And failed a third time. During WWII, a young man named Steve Rogers is transformed into “Code Name: Captain America” through super soldier serum. Wearing a costume that looks suspiciously like my dominatrix’s bondage-rubber piss-suit, he battles a Nazi created with the same serum called the Red … Read More
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1944
Oh Captain, Why Captain? No super soldier serum, no World War II, no wings on his cowl, no military experience, no Steve Rogers – NO SHIELD! Is this even Captain America? In this 1944 15-part serial for Republic Pictures, the titular American superhero battles a villain called The Scarab, who dabbles in mind-control, and wants to get his hands on … Read More
CHRIS ROCK: TAMBORINE
Bang the Tamborine Slowly… Chris Rock is back! In TAMBORINE, Rock’s 6th standup Special, his pace is a little less panther, his delivery a little less clipped, his demeanor a little less arrogant. The interim since his last Special (KILL THE MESSENGER, 2008) has robbed him of some electric youth and vitality, not least through the hard life lessons learned … Read More
THE CIRCUS
Character Balancing Act. The Little Tramp joins THE CIRCUS. A whirlwind story that finds Little Tramp (Charlie Chaplin) visiting a circus and, via a chase involving a pickpocket, being hired as a clown, finding love, learning to walk tightrope, losing love, and eventually leaving the circus in a bittersweet finale. Written, directed and produced by Charlie Chaplin, THE CIRCUS is … Read More
CASPER
Ghostly Brio. He’s the friendliest ghost you know. No, not Patrick Swayze – Casper, The Friendly Ghost. Though grownups might / Look at him with fright / The children all love him so. After innumerable comics, television shows and theater shorts, Casper makes the spirited leap to full-length feature film in CASPER, a live-action adventure melded with excellent 3D animation. … Read More
CRY WILDERNESS
Big Mistake Afoot. CRY WILDERNESS boasts the laziest Bigfoot costume in cinema history. Are they punking us? No, I think they’re serious. Irritating son, ranger father who looks more like a trucker, Native American who “spent too much time at college rather than in the wild,” and a muscled tracker wearing a mesh shirt to show off said muscles. A … Read More
THE COBBLER
These Boots are Made for Transmogrifying. THE COBBLER is a modern day fairytale, a parable of what it might feel like “walking a mile in another man’s shoes.” If that man was Adam Sandler. Uh-oh. But wait! The intriguing story (by Paul Sado and Tom McCarthy, who also directed) is written well, and Sandler eschews his usual lowbrow shtick, comporting … Read More
CONAN THE DESTROYER
Adventure on Steroids (i.e. too musclebound to move). CONAN THE DESTROYER slowly follows Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, still learning how to speak with his mouth), empowered by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to accompany a virgin princess (Olivia d’Abo, too spinner-sexy for words, which is probably why Arnold can’t speak) and her bodyguard (Wilt Chamberlain, still learning how to act) … Read More
CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR
Captain America: Bromance War. Captain America versus Iron Man in a battle to the bromosexual. When The Avengers try to stop a terrorist from killing civilians, and end up killing civilians themselves, the United Nations steps in and calls a halt to their devastating pearbottoms. General Ross (William Hurt, playing a character from Hulk lore, in this movie where the … Read More
CHRIS ROCK: BRING THE PAIN
The Shotgun Monologues. Chris Rock taught me what “tossing the salad” meant. Admit it: you too. During his HBO comedy standup special BRING THE PAIN, Rock recounts a prisoner’s graphic advice on what you need to do to get along in jail. And a superstar is born… By 1996, Chris Rock had grown into a formidable comedian in the United … Read More
CARRIE 2013
Rebooted and Re-Blonded. The classic Stephen King novel is remade for a new generation of bullied hot girls. CARRIE is the awkward, bullied outcast at school; her mother is a religious fanatic self-flagellator who regularly imprisons Carrie in the Prayer Closet to atone for whatever sins she has committed by being a girl. With the onset of her period, Carrie … Read More
CARRIE
Unholiest, Bloodiest, Blondest. CARRIE starts with blood. And ends with blood. Startling gouts of life-giving/death-dealing blood. And in between – menstruation, high school, and religious dementia. A true horror movie. Director Brian De Palma brings Stephen King’s 1974 debut novel Carrie to the big screen in blood and strawberry blonde: Sissy Spacek as Carrie White, perfectly embodying the awkward teen … Read More
CARRIE 2002
Snoozefest in Red. CARRIE (2002) is the TV movie remake of the 1976 Brian De Palma feature film, from the Stephen King novel of the same name. And it shows. Director David Carson (STAR TREK GENERATIONS) seems so acutely aware of his film’s low production values, he thinks he can make up for them by adopting the method of MTV … Read More
CHRIS TUCKER LIVE
Falling Down While Standing Up. From his hometown of Atlanta Georgia, filmed at the 4,600-capacity Fox Theater in November 2014, Chris Tucker regales us with the type of comedy that would be heckled unforgivingly in smaller clubs. It’s CHRIS TUCKER LIVE. I think. Knowing that comics like Carlin and Hicks and Pryor existed, and knowing current voices like observational powerhouse … Read More
CHAPPIE
Slumdog versus Wolverine in REAL STEEL 2: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BOOGALOO. Another day, another dystopian future. Neill Blomkamp IS the new Terry Gilliam. CHAPPIE is his third crazed metal masterpiece, pitting idealistic slumdog against capitalistic wolverine. In 2016 (yup, “The Future”!) Johannesburg is the first city in the world to instigate an all-robot police force; humanoid in appearance, unthinking, unfeeling, undiscerning, … Read More