THE DIRTY DOZEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Cleanup on Aisle Dirty. Classic! Explosive, action-packed, funny and filthy, THE DIRTY DOZEN is the best Boy’s Movie of the millennium! If you’re between 14 and 24, you will be inspired by this movie; it was the HALO 3 of its day. In World War II, twelve American military convicts, each a different flavor of crazy, are snatched from the … Read More

DON JON

Poffy The Cucumber

Long Don Johnson. This film really touches me where I love being touched – the groin. But at its heart, DON JON is a love story. But then, isn’t all porn? Joseph Gordon-Levitt (LOOPER, 2012) writes, directs and stars in this cumming of age tale that Entertainment Weekly calls “smart and supremely confident.” I don’t usually concur with generic splash-phrases, … Read More

DEEP PURPLE: CALIFORNIA JAM

Poffy The Cucumber

Slammin’ Jammin’. Immortal! They just don’t play ’em like this anymore. As the sun set over the Californian suburbs of Pomona, Chino and Rancho Cucamonga on April 6th, 1974, after an hour’s delay, the loudest band in the world, Deep Purple, would take the stage at Ontario Speedway for the California Jam Festival. DEEP PURPLE: CALIFORNIA JAM is a vintage … Read More

DEATH RACE 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Disco Death. David Carradine can always claim that he once beat up Rocky! Grasshopper versus Balboa in a battle to the ketchup. After Carradine’s KUNG FU and before Sylvester Stallone’s ROCKY, the two renowned pugilists would clash in this DEATH RACE 2000 where arts were not martial, the most famous boxer was still Muhammad Ali, and acting was optional. It’s … Read More

DENNIS MILLER: AMERICA 180°

Poffy The Cucumber

The Comedian Formerly Known As Dennis Miller. Dennis Miller is smart. I used to record THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW on VHS (that’s an olden-days DVR, chillun) and marvel at the way his mind spiraled headlong into esoteric references to rail against ignorance. In his 2014 standup special, AMERICA 180 DEGRESS (a one hour routine, filmed in Irvine), Miller is now … Read More

A DANGEROUS METHOD

Poffy The Cucumber

A Lecherous Method. Ah yes, the hunt for puss. Isn’t that why we’re all here? To hunt or be hunted? Director David Cronenberg turns what could be a grand journey into the minds of two extraordinary psychoanalysts (Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud) into angling at puss. Ironically, that’s what the grand journey of these two minds arrived at – that … Read More

DIE HARD 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Die Lamer. John McClane against terrorists at Dulles International in Washington DC. DIE HARD at an airport! That was the pitch. It sounded better on paper. In DIE HARD 2, Bruce Willis returns in High Smug as New York cop John McClane, in Washington to meet his wife (Bonnie Bedelia) flying in. Why? Who cares? Writers Steven E. de Souza … Read More

DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN

Poffy The Cucumber

From duds to merely dull. DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN surprises us by actually getting close to a plot! After two sequels written by babies and directed like tweens measuring their dicks, this third sequel to DEATH WISH (1974) has actual pacing, quarter-decent acting and a halfway compelling plot that includes a couple of good twists. It helps that it’s … Read More

DEATH WISH 3

Poffy The Cucumber

The Ambiguously Gay Gangland Mardi Gras Killings. The funniest thing about DEATH WISH 3 is not its sincere attempt at storyline, nor its childish attempts at action-movie dynamism – it’s the street thugs who look like extras from a Pat Benatar video. Director Michael Winner (after his slamming take on vigilantism in the original DEATH WISH, 1974), seems to have … Read More

DAYBREAKERS

Poffy The Cucumber

I vont tu harvest yor blud. Imagine a world where the vampires won. They’ve taken over. Everything. They have overrun every facet of “normal” society. Except they are the normals now: the corporate executives, the managers, the laborers and cubicles, the military and infrastructure; they work in supermarkets, in advertising, in agriculture; they are the cops, the criminals and the … Read More

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

Poffy The Cucumber

Darkest Knight. 60 years ago writer-director Christopher Nolan would have been one of the premier exponents of film noir. Conceptually and cinematically, his DARK KNIGHT trilogy is one of the most somber excursions into dual personality crises, moral relativism, vigilantism and nihilism. And Batman would have been Humphrey Bogart. “Here’s lookin’ at you, Gotham…” Just as dour as Bogart, Christian … Read More

DUEL

Poffy The Cucumber

The Original Road Warrior. One car. One truck. One highway. One big problem! DUEL is the zenith of simplicity, effectiveness, suspense: a trucker, on a whim, goes after a lone car in this chase movie of the decade, if not the millennium. We’ve reached an era in moviemaking history where car chases have become passe; the drum solos of movies. … Read More

THE DICTATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

For To Make Democratize in America. In the grand tradition of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visiting Columbia University in 2007 and denying the Holocaust, claiming Iran has no gays and lets women roam free with equal rights, so too is Wadiya’s dictator Hafez Aladeen, granted all courtesies when visiting the United Nations to extol the virtues of his oppressive Middle … Read More

DUE DATE

Poffy The Cucumber

Iron Hangover. Not exactly the road trip from hell (that honor goes to PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES), but DUE DATE swings so close to hell that you might as well make the detour and visit the gift shop. Kicked off a cross-country airplane flight for causing a disturbance, his wallet and luggage lost, business traveler Peter Highman (Robert Downey Jr.) … Read More

DJANGO UNCHAINED

Poffy The Cucumber

Once Upon a Black Time in the White West. Whiteys: 0. Niggers: 1 Quentin Tarantino, as he did with INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (2009), once again punches history in the face and rewrites the underdog as the alpha dog in DJANGO UNCHAINED. And says nigger a lot. DJANGO UNCHAINED throws that word at us in such forceful abandon that it becomes hilarious … Read More

DEEP PURPLE: MACHINE HEAD

Poffy The Cucumber

In Rock Gods We Trust. Machine Head was basically built on six or seven indestructible guitar riffs. — Brad Tolinski, Guitar World. The Classic Albums series showcases the seminal 1972 Deep Purple juggernaut, Machine Head. “Classic Albums,” produced by Isis Productions and Eagle Vision, is an excellent series to begin with, as the artists who forged the albums that changed … Read More

DEAR JOHN

Poffy The Cucumber

Dear John, I never want to see you again. Who knew dating was so frickin’ BORING?! DEAR JON is a weepy date movie, where army guy Brick Rockchest (Channing Tatum, champion mumbler) meets beach chick Blondie Cocktease (Amanda Seyfried) and they bore us going on talk-dates. Then they get caught in the rain and kiss. Then they have a beach … Read More

THE DEVIL’S DOUBLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Bismillah! Noooo! We will not let you go! THE DEVIL’S DOUBLE flies high on the performance of one man. Playing two men. Dominic Cooper. In a star-making turn, Cooper plays Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday, and the body-double that Uday blackmails into his service, Latif Yahia. And they both look like Freddie Mercury! Every politician needs a body double, for those pesky … Read More

THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION PART II: THE METAL YEARS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Rise of Aquanetted Civilization: The Ladyboy Years. Rebellion, ambition, rock and roll, passion, lust… hair. Director Penelope Spheeris turns up the volume in her chronicle of the hedonistic 1980’s Southern Californian rock scene in THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION PART II: THE METAL YEARS. (We need to be precise about this rockumentary’s focus because it does only represent a … Read More

DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Doggy doo. Brandon Routh is soooo Christopher Reeve. He wasn’t this much Christopher Reeve even when he was Superman. You would think that anyone who hired Reeve – I mean, Routh – post-SUPERMAN RETURNS (after which he was unfairly stripped of the cape), would cast him as a character as far from the Man of Steel as possible, but in … Read More