DREAMCATCHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Same Shit Different Director. So why is it that films made from Stephen King’s stories turn out, for the most part, to be movies that look as if they’d been chiseled out of Silly Putty by escapees from the Home For the Terminally Inept? — Harlan Ellison, Oct 1984, “In Which We Scuffle Through The Embers” (Magazine of S&SF). DREAMCATCHER … Read More

THE DILEMMA

Poffy The Cucumber

Bromantic comedy with a medieval aftertaste. No one knows the right thing to do – especially not director Ron Howard (THE DA VINCI CODE) – when a man sees his best friend’s wife secretly having an affair, in the half-comedy, half-drama, all-indecisive THE DILEMMA. Ronny (Vince Vaughn) is paired with Beth (Jennifer Connelly) and Nick (Kevin James) is married to … Read More

DETROIT ROCK CITY

Poffy The Cucumber

God of Blunder. “If you’re down in the dumps – and you need sumpin that’ll bring ya uuuuup… sumpin that’ll bring ya uuuuup?… There’s only one thing that’s gonna do it faw ya…” No, not this movie – go dig out your record player and spin Rock And Roll Over. Named after a classic KISS song (the marauding opener from … Read More

DAY AND NIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

The Message Within. DAY AND NIGHT is classic, old-school cartooning at its best; not just the expressive, hilarious drawings, but the ideas behind them – and within them! A short film before TOY STORY 3, this inventive little tale follows a “day person” and a “night person” as they clash in misunderstanding of each other. They are both merely cartoon … Read More

DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Movie For Schmucks. Steve Carell is a schmuck. And in DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS, Steve Carell is a schmuck, a bothersome new friend of Paul Rudd, who is not exactly a schmuck, but can’t seem to break into that comedy leading man status that he deserves. We presume his agent and manager and reader must be schmucks. Carell and Rudd do … Read More

DRACULA 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Bloody Hell! There is one very provocative idea in DRACULA 2000 – all the rest is crap. The crap goes like this: In 2000, Dracula comes to New Orleans seeking the daughter of Van Helsing. Bland action movie ensues. Only redeeming factor is that every chick is groin-achingly hot. The provocative idea is that Dracula is not a warrior impaler … Read More

DESPICABLE ME

Poffy The Cucumber

The Cute Face of Evil. Supercute, superfluffy and superevil, the CGI cartoon DESPICABLE ME follows ambiguously-continental, flamboyant do-badder Gru (Steve Carell, outdoing himself with the half-Transylvanian, half-Albanian accent) in his quest to be the Greatest Supervillain in the World. The theft of the Great Pyramid by New Villain on the Block, Vector (voiced by Jason Segel) spurs Gru to strive … Read More

DEVIL

Poffy The Cucumber

Fun as sharp as pointy horns. Night done good. M. Night Shyamalan writes the story behind DEVIL, a well-directed, elegantly-screenplayed thriller, about five people trapped in a skyscraper elevator. One of them is the devil. (Bwohaha ha ha haaaaa!) There’s the sexy Euro Bond Villain (Logan Marshall-Green), Shirley Maclaine’s Evil Twin (Jenny O’Hara), McLovin’s dad (Geoffrey Arend), Parker Posey’s sexier … Read More

DATE NIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

A night to (kinda) remember. DATE NIGHT is an adequate comedy with exactly three high points, about married couple Phil and Claire (Steve Carell and Tina Fey) in a rut; unrewarding jobs, three kids, no sex. On one of their regular Date Nights, they raunch it up a little by going into the city of Manhattan for dinner; at a … Read More

DEATH WISH II

Poffy The Cucumber

Wish it wasn’t. Charles Bronson returns as vigilante Paul Kersey in DEATH WISH II. And we wish he hadn’t. We got the point in DEATH WISH (1974): True justice is revenge. And people like it that way – just too pigeon-scared to admit it in “civilized” society. So now we get another film saying the same thing – only with … Read More

DEATH WISH

Poffy The Cucumber

Bronson’s HARRY. After the raunchy success of DIRTY HARRY (1971), it was inevitable some other cinema tough guy would be recruited to carry the torch that Clint Eastwood lit. Enter Charles Bronson. Whereas DIRTY HARRY was labeled a vigilante treatise, but was actually more layered than the knee-jerk American public could discern, DEATH WISH is written (by novelist Brian Garfield, … Read More

DIRTY HARRY

Poffy The Cucumber

Justice is DIRTY. You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk? — Harry Callahan, DIRTY HARRY. And a screen icon is scarred onto the face of filmdom. And the Earth is once again salted with the man-nectar of masculinity. DIRTY HARRY is about a cop who takes the law into his own hands. … Read More

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Mister Moron. DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR? is to Ashton Kutcher what BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE is to Keanu Reeves – an inauspicious, downright idiotic introduction to the filmic world before taking over said world. (Kutcher’s character name is even phonetically like Theodore Logan Esquire – Jesse Montgomery III.) Numbnut Jesse (Kutcher) wakes after a drunken night with his … Read More

DANTE’S PEAK

Poffy The Cucumber

Goldeneye meets Thunderball. If VOLCANO was the fun fun fun volcano movie of 1997, DANTE’S PEAK was its serious big brother. That doesn’t stop it being unintentionally funny. Geological mystery abounds on whether the mountain shadowing bucolic tourist town Dante’s Peak will erupt or not. Yuh think? Yet Pierce Brosnan wastes his overqualified suaveté as geologist Harry Dalton, sniffing for … Read More

DEAR GOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Dear God! Make it stop! Dear God, What foul transgression did humankind perpetrate to deserve this accursed movie? For surely it is your undying wrath that allows such offal from the buttocks of Lucifer. Dear God, Why give Greg Kinnear such an august kickstart into the A-List with SABRINA only to snatch away his momentum with DEAR GOD? Dear God, … Read More

DAS BOOT

Poffy The Cucumber

The Reich Stuff. Never has nothing happening been such compelling viewing. No debate, no discussion, no contenders – DAS BOOT is THE submarine movie for the ages. In autumn 1941, World War II U-Boat 96, crewed by young rowdy Germans, puts to sea with its veteran captain, wildly Teutonic Jürgen Prochnow, his eyes the color of eagle and high cheekbones … Read More

DOLAN’S CADILLAC

Poffy The Cucumber

The mind of Stephen King is a terrible thing to waste. The director of DOLAN’S CADILLAC, Jeff Beesley, was told by his agent, “If you can’t knock this movie outta the park, you might as well forget it – go back to pumping gas.” Uh, Jeff, I got some bad news…. From a Stephen King short story of the same … Read More

DECK THE HALLS

Poffy The Cucumber

Ferris Bueller’s Slay Off. DECK THE HALLS is about selfishness, envy, assault, infantile bickering and malice aforethought. That’s right – it’s about Christmas. Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito), in trying to alleviate his self-esteem issues, decides to light up his house so brightly it can be seen from space. Luckily, it’s Christmas, when snideness and unbridled, irrational spending are rife in … Read More

DONNIE DARKO

Poffy The Cucumber

Darkness is as Darko does… And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I’m dyin’ are the best I’ve ever had… — Tears For Fears, “Mad World.” The Tears For Fears song, Mad World, closes DONNIE DARKO. As it softly meanders under the closing montage of characters, everything in this movie clacks into … Read More

DAWN OF THE DEAD

Poffy The Cucumber

Die! And don’t come back! They call this movie a classic. They also call director George A. Romero a legend. Lots of things become famous for the wrong reasons. Carrie Prejean is famous and she’s a bubble-headed, big-titted bigot; Jon and Kate are famous and they’re the world’s most despicable parents; Rush Limbaugh is famous and he’s a bubble-headed, big-titted … Read More