THE FLASH 2023

Poffy The Cucumber

Jackass and Jackassier. Flash uses his super-speed to time-travel into the past to stop his mother’s murder. And meets his younger self. And discovers he’s a jackass. THE FLASH is a surprisingly touching film about the love between a son and his mother; a poignant theme which is subsumed by the bombast of the perfunctory CGI and obligatory juvenile gags … Read More

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FATHER’S LITTLE DIVIDEND

Poffy The Cucumber

Studio’s Little Dividend. FATHER OF THE BRIDE (1950) was a refreshing original movie, a well-acted, Oscar-nominated comedy that gave us a frazzled father’s poignant perspective on his only daughter being married off. And the sequel, FATHER’S LITTLE DIVIDEND, continues the story of that father-daughter relationship because – money. MGM had a critical and commercial hit with FATHER and rushed through … Read More

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FATHER OF THE BRIDE

Poffy The Cucumber

Furthering The Father. To appreciate this movie, we first have to get over the pointy bras. And the soft-focus females, the high heels and pearls worn around the house by the wife, the married couple’s separate single beds, sleeping with all their clothes on, and the fact that everyone 50 looks 80. Oh, also the black slave. 1950 was such … Read More

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FATHER OF THE BRIDE 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

Latin remake for a new audience… of rich white people. I love Andy Garcia. I’d watch him in any piece of crap. Even crap like FATHER OF THE BRIDE, the 2022 Latin remake of Steve Martin’s 1991 upper middle-class remake of the 1950 Spencer Tracy white privilege classic. The story (written by Matt Lopez, THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE 2010) might have … Read More

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FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that goes Greek on us… James Bond 007 retrieves a missile controller from a sunken British warship, and helps a Greek woman avenge her parents’ murder while trying to go Greek on her. In the cold open, we meet Bond (Roger Moore, 5th time) laying flowers on the grave of Teresa Bond, “Beloved Wife of James Bond. We … Read More

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THE FREDDIE MERCURY STORY: WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER?

Poffy The Cucumber

Fantastic Gigs and Frightful Wigs. I don’t have any aspirations to live to 70. I’ve lived a full life and if I’m dead tomorrow, I don’t give a damn! I really have, y’know, done it all. — Freddie Mercury. Firstly, the title is all wrong. THE FREDDIE MERCURY STORY: WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER? is not a biopic about Freddie … Read More

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FIRST MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

First Maudlin Man. That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for Mankind. — Neil Armstrong, Apollo 11, June 1969. FIRST MAN is a strange piece of dramatic fiction. Not a biopic; not a historical document. Following Neil Armstrong on his pioneering Apollo 11 Moon landing, instead of a science-driven, or politics-driven docudrama, movie attempts to find an emotional … Read More

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FANTASTIC FOUR 1994

Poffy The Cucumber

It’s Knobberin’ Time! Four scientist friends are bathed in the rays of a meteor and attain fantastic powers, none of which was the power to say no to appearing in this dungheap film. FANTASTIC FOUR is a contractual mishap, hurriedly made so that Constantin Film could retain the rights to the Fantastic Four comicbook characters from Marvel Comics. Marvel, in … Read More

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THE FOUNDER 2016

Poffy The Cucumber

The Ham-Burglar. THE FOUNDER, the story of how Ray Kroc stole the McDonald’s brand out from under its actual founders and turned it into the biggest fast food chain on the globe, is simultaneously inspiring and horrifying – like a meal from McDonald’s. Written by Robert Siegel (based on the amazing true story) and directed like a lean burger by … Read More

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FRANK 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Good Head. Music, experimentation, death, disappointment, fear, surrogate family, unfulfillable longing. A musician’s life for me… FRANK, a quirky dramedy centering on an avant-garde rock band and its offbeat leader in particular, is – unlike many movies of its musical ilk – not about seeking success through stardom, but fulfillment through creation. We meet keyboardist Jon (Domhnall Gleeson), trying in … Read More

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FINDING DORY

Poffy The Cucumber

FINDING DORY is lost at sea. She worked so well as a supporting character in FINDING NEMO (2003) that Pixar spins off Dory’s origin story in FINDING DORY – and only ends up highlighting what a horrifying brain disease she suffers from. Dory (voiced by Ellen DeGeneres), a blue tang fish with short term memory loss, first appeared in the … Read More

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FAST & FURIOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Too Furious To Act. FAST & FURIOUS is a dark horse in the F&F canon. This 4th film in the franchise is the least involving, as two men go after the same drug lord from different angles – one from the law, one from the street. Filled with pointless vignettes and exhilarating-yet-idiotic street racing, I lost interest as soon as … Read More

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FAST & FURIOUS 7

Poffy The Cucumber

The Stupidous Furious. The FURIOUS franchise is TWILIGHT for men. — YouTube comment. Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker. What do you think of when someone asks you NOT to think of Paul Walker? Answer: Paul Walker. This is the case in FURIOUS 7, where it … Read More

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FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Poffy The Cucumber

From Russia With Leering. James Bond 007 returns in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (from Ian Fleming’s 5th Bond novel, publ. 1956), the first sequel to the first ever James Bond movie, DR. NO. And it is… uh… I don’t know how to break it to you Bond fans, but try to sit through this movie in 2016 and let me … Read More

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FAST FIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

America’s Fastest Crime Family. Detective Hobbs advises his team of cops on capturing Dom Toretto and his gang: “Above all else, we don’t ever, ever let them get into cars.” Is anyone hearing how this sounds? Uh, sir, are the cars magic? “No.” Well, uh, why can’t we just shoot them with rocket launchers if they get into cars? “Just … Read More

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FAST & FURIOUS 6

Poffy The Cucumber

The Faster the Stupider. Even if the car-porn franchise FAST AND FURIOUS is not your cup of transmission oil, you’ve gotta admit, the movies are some of the best exponents of their gearhead genre. FAST & FURIOUS 6 reunites Dom Toretto’s gang of gearheads against a Euro mercenary intent on stealing some military McGuffin that would make it easier for … Read More

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THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT

Poffy The Cucumber

Driving Mister Dazey. The owners of THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS franchise drive themselves into a ditch in this third film, by overhauling their original cast in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT. The story is simple and stupid, like its lead character Sean Boswell (Lucas Black, the discount Paul Walker, with zero gravitas and even less acting prowess, … Read More

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THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Brahs in Cars. A beautiful undercover cop falls for a muscled street racer in the bromosexual actioner THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. Paul Walker is the beautiful cop, Brian O’Connor, and she’s been sent to infiltrate a gang of street racers who are suspected of daring highway robberies of truckloads of DVD players. (Yeah, it’s 2001, when people cared about … Read More

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FRUITVALE STATION

Poffy The Cucumber

An Underprivileged Life Against Cowards With Guns. Unarmed black man shot fatally in the back by cop. It’s not just a movie. It’s reality. Over and over again. This injustice has become so common in United States culture that there is an undeclared war between African-American men (who continue to be black) and cops (who continue to be cowards). FRUITVALE … Read More

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FANTASTIC FOUR 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Mo’ dark, mo’ fantastic. I honestly don’t see the problem with the maligned 2015 reboot FANTASTIC FOUR, the dark rendition of Marvel’s longest-running superhero team (first published 1961). Good acting, strong themes (involving family, alienation and teamwork), and an eerie discomfiture surrounding the unearthly “powers” of the protagonists, rather than blind, childish, do-gooder acceptance. And featuring the barbecue-rib guy from … Read More

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