JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Fallen Franchise. Why do we watch “dinosaur movies”? Well, for the DINOSAURS, of course! In that respect, JURASSIC PARK: FALLEN KINGDOM is at the top of the heap, with the best dinosaurs that 2018 CGI technology can render, hands down. With every roar, every stomp, every quivering of their neck wattles, we don’t doubt these prehistoric animals are more real … Read More

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

SUPERSTAR falters, as Legend lacks. Poor John Legend! He’s a great soulful rhythm and blues vocalist, a great composer, a great performer; he’s won Oscars, Grammys, Golden Globes and Tonys; he’s a friend to the last great American president, Barack Obama, and he was instrumental in bringing a whole generation to that inspiring 2008 election. He’s a producer, actor and … Read More

JIM & ANDY: THE GREAT BEYOND

Poffy The Cucumber

Of Comedy and Molecules. Introspective prophet Jim Carrey sits down with his beard and reminisces about the takeover of his body by Andy Kaufman while filming MAN ON THE MOON. A calmer Jim Carrey than we’ve ever seen before, sits down with director Chris Smith in JIM & ANDY: THE GREAT BEYOND, to discuss the filming of his 1999 biopic … Read More

JUMPING JACKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Jumping to Contusions. JUMPING JACKS marks the third time Martin and Lewis have been in the military. Army, Navy, now Paratroopers. Through an identity mixup, civilian Hap Smith (Jerry Lewis) finds himself in the paratroopers with his old nightclub partner, private Chick Allen (Dean Martin); though Chick tries to protect Hap from the authorities and discovery, he finds that Hap … Read More

THE JUNGLE BOOK 2016

Poffy The Cucumber

Bare Man-cessitites. Am I evil? Yes I am! Am I evil? I am Man! — Diamond Head, “Am I Evil” THE JUNGLE BOOK is “Based on the books by Rudyard Kipling,” which means it is based on the 1967 Disney cartoon. That’s all this is – the Disney cartoon remade as a CGI-animated feature. No mention of Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and Nag, … Read More

JACKASS 3.5

Poffy The Cucumber

Turds making turds. During the “Flaming Gauntlet” stunt in JACKASS 3.5, I realized that none of the stunts that Johnny Knoxville’s neurologically disordered brood perform are meant to succeed. The stunts have no training behind them, no practice, no Plan B; the brood enter into these stunts with their brains on standby and their balls braced for impact. In this … Read More

JOHN WICK

Poffy The Cucumber

Baba Yaga’s Excellent Adventure. Keanu Reeves hasn’t had to act this little since he was Klaatu. Keanu is retired legendary hitman JOHN WICK, who informally comes out of retirement for revenge on the men who killed his puppy – the last gift from his dead wife. (I’m not an animal person, but I gotta admit – that is one cutie … Read More

JOY 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

A mess that needs to be Miracle Mopped! After the confusing marketing campaign, we were left wondering what JOY was actually about? Hmm, from the trailers, seems like she has a dead-end job, her father hates her husband, she’s walking determinedly in the snow, she’s firing a shotgun, she’s cutting her hair, a funeral, a wedding, a business, cops, kissing, … Read More

JACKASS 3D

Poffy The Cucumber

Diary of a Douchebag. Johnny Knoxville leads his troupe of professional sado-masochists through another array of idiotic stunts in JACKASS 3D, that I’m guessing is for the purpose of: a) getting themselves killed; b) satisfying their torture-porn kink; c) touching each others’ balls. “Professional” because these guys are somehow getting paid to perform these stupid, elaborate stunts, and “sado-masochists” because … Read More

JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT

Poffy The Cucumber

Bourne Impossible. If you’ve eye-rattled through the BOURNE movies (and I know I have), and if you’ve eye-spied the modern MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movies (and I know I have), then maybe the time you’ve set aside to eye-glaze through JACK RYAN: SHADOW RECRUIT might be better spent polishing your screenplay or your knob, as I’m sure you’ve seen all this running-tilting-tickingclock-technology-spyware-malware-hostage-villain-aikido-shooting … Read More

JURASSIC WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Indominus Wrecks. Raptor wrangler Owen says it perfectly, when Jurassic World supervisor Claire tells him they’ve created a new dinosaur artificially, “Corporate felt genetic modification would up the wow factor.” Owen replies, “They’re dinosaurs – wow enough.” In trying to flex their rex, JURASSIC WORLD jumps the shark. Owen’s summation is the perfect metaphor for this movie. The original Crichton-penned/Spielberg-directed … Read More

JOBS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dude, Where’s My Computer? An uninspiring movie about an inspiring innovator, JOBS is a schmaltzy biopic of Apple Computer’s pioneering founder and edge-of-science-fiction visionary, Steven Paul Jobs (1955-2011). JOBS (written by Matt Whiteley and directed by Joshua Michael Stern) turns the life of this driven inventor madman thinking machine into a soppy three-act melodrama that hits all the requisite Hollywood … Read More

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA .5

Poffy The Cucumber

Peeking in Grandpa’s Back Door. A “Making Of” reel for BAD GRANDPA, BAD GRANDPA .5 is quite an interesting companion piece, filled with outtakes, interviews, behind the scenes footage and deleted scenes of Irving Zisman (Johnny Knoxville in oldguy makeup) creating socially-impure havoc. In a package more professionally presented than any of the previous JACKASS straight-to-video “extras” movies, BAD GRANDPA … Read More

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

Poffy The Cucumber

Old Fart, New Trousers. The JACKASS team bring one of their rabble-rousing characters from the TV show to the big screen: Grandpa Irving Zisman aka Johnny Knoxville in oldguy makeup. Tearing up civil society in hidden-camera anti-social fervor. As Jackass-based media goes, it’s the most cogent of the lot; as hidden camera media, Sacha Baron Cohen does it better. The … Read More

JAWS: THE REVENGE

Poffy The Cucumber

Vengeance is Rubber. In one respect, JAWS 4: THE REVENGE, is trying to emulate the dark 1977 movie ORCA, about a killer whale seeking revenge for its murdered family. (Ironic, considering ORCA was summarily dismissed as a ripoff of the original JAWS, which it wasn’t.) In another respect, JAWS 4 is simply batshit. Taking it as read that a fish … Read More

JFK

Poffy The Cucumber

Conspiracy Clearly. To sin by silence when we should protest, makes cowards out of men. –Ella Wheeler Wilcox. When it comes to 9-11, or John F. Kennedy, or Jesus Christ, no one cares what you think. They know what they know. And no one’s gonna tell ’em otherwise. Oliver Stone doesn’t care what you think. He directs JFK with the … Read More

JOHN CARTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Green Men. Barsoom. That’s what they should have called this movie. Barsoom – the name the Martian natives call their planet. Barsoom – the tale of a reluctant Earth soldier transported to Mars, who embraces his role as a warrior leader in a civil war between two Martian tribes. (The fact that an hourglass-shaped princess is making Martian eyes … Read More

JACK REACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Reaching For Grate-ness. The name is from a series of books by author Jim Grant (pseudonym Lee Child); even so, casting Tom Cruise as a character called JACK REACHER is just asking for the inevitable gay gags, like Jack Reacharound. And what kind of epicness was Grant aiming for anyway? Did he want big chords every time someone said the … Read More

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Jangles the nerves. The single funniest thing about the bland and pointless “family holiday comedy” JINGLE ALL THE WAY has nothing to do with the supposed comedy it is trying to purvey – it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian. I laff my ass off at that guy, but then, I laffed my ass off … Read More

JUST GO WITH IT

Poffy The Cucumber

Going for mangina. And succeeding. Well played, Mr. Sandler! He’s a bachelor wooing a younger girl with the lie that he will soon be divorced, and getting Jennifer Aniston to JUST GO WITH IT and pose as his ex to aid the ruse. It’s dumb as hell, but Sandler plays it very, very cool. (Don’t tell anyone, but I laughed … Read More