LION

Poffy The Cucumber

White Lion. Separated from his mother in India at 5 years old, adopted by an Australian couple and raised in Tasmania, Saroo Brierley, 25 years later, tracks down his biological mother in India through the magic of Google Earth. And a privileged white lifestyle. Taking nothing away from the inspiring effort of Saroo and the overwhelming poignancy of his quest, … Read More

LOST IN SPACE 1998

Poffy The Cucumber

Lost In Act Three. LOST IN SPACE blasts off as a well-produced science fiction adventure, then gets lost loster than its lostest characters. Brought to the big screen from the 1965 TV series, LOST IN SPACE captures much of the dynamics between all the characters originally created by Irwin Allen; it updates the tech, the spaceship, the production value; it … Read More

LONDON HAS FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Secret Service Superman. LONDON HAS FALLEN follows in the same vein as its predecessor, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN – a gritty actioner that puts the American president in peril, so his bromantic bodyguard can save him. The terrorists are winning again. Movie opens on a Middle Eastern wedding party near Pakistan, which is blown sky-high by an American missile, taking the … Read More

LIVING IT UP

Poffy The Cucumber

Sham – Wow! Homer Flagg is dying of radiation poisoning. His last wish is to visit New York. An avaricious New York editor, hoping to boost sales of his newspaper, brings Homer and his exclusive doctor on an all-expenses-paid final fling to New York. But Homer’s not really dying. His doctor made up the disease by mistake – and continues … Read More

THE LOST WORLD 1925

Poffy The Cucumber

In the beginning, God said, Let there be Willis… Eight years before Willis O’Brien brought KING KONG (1933) to life with his brilliant stop-motion animation, he used that innovative technique on his very first feature, THE LOST WORLD (1925), a silent movie based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s book (released 1912), in which scientists discover prehistoric animals on an Amazonian … Read More

LOGAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter… It’s not really a swansong for Logan. It’s not exactly an elegy for The Wolverine. No, LOGAN is actually the final curtain for Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Because Jackman, so perfectly cast 17 years ago in X-MEN, became so adamantium-grooved into the character, that he is inextricably identified with the Canadian mutant known as … Read More

THE LONE RANGER 2013

Poffy The Cucumber

 A stranger Ranger. The Lone Ranger (in radio, television and film) has made Gioachino Rossini’s galloping theme so famous that the term “intellectual” has been defined as “a man who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” — Wikipedia. No one’s a stranger to the Ranger. Popular in entertainment media since the 1930s, if … Read More

THE LAZARUS EFFECT

Poffy The Cucumber

Dead on Arrival. THE LAZARUS EFFECT, about a team of scientists trying to bring people back from the dead, ironically loses its effect when the person brought back from the dead starts killing people. Talk about wasted opportunity! In the grand tradition of PET SEMATARY and FLATLINERS, documentarian David Gelb (on his first feature) directs a movie that thrums with … Read More

LIFE ITSELF

Poffy The Cucumber

The 24-frames-per-second Life. He is the Soldier of Cinema… — Werner Herzog, filmmaker. LIFE ITSELF documents the storied life and tragic death of Roger Ebert (1942-2013, aged 70), the world’s most famous film critic. Roger Ebert excelled at something that everyone thinks they can do, but which no one did better. A staff writer and editor for various papers as … Read More

THE LAST DAYS ON MARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Martian Cold War. Life not as we know it takes down a Martian expedition. It’s a cold, people. Bacteria. Great, and I forgot to pack the Vicks Vaporub… THE LAST DAYS ON MARS boldly breaks conventions even whilst being one big convention. Within the framework of this clichéd thriller, writers Sydney J. Bounds and Clive Dawson, and director Ruairi Robinson … Read More

THE LAST STAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Arnold’s Back! And he’s… uh, just a guy. He conquered Thulsa Doom, hunted down a Predator and terminated Terminators. Now, Arnold Schwarzenegger faces his greatest foe – a Spanish guy in a sports car. In THE LAST STAND, Arnold is affable Sheriff Bloaty who runs the bucolic town Last Stop Before Freedom with a neighborly pat on the behind. It’s … Read More

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL

Poffy The Cucumber

It’s a doll house – a DOLL HOUSE! Shy, reclusive Lars one day buys a Real Doll named Bianca, lavishes all the emotions of a real relationship on her – love, jealousy, impatience, happiness – and doesn’t have sex with her. In other words, he’s having a real relationship. Written by Nancy Oliver (SIX FEET UNDER), directed by Craig Gillespie … Read More

LEON

Poffy The Cucumber

Angel and the Bad Man. If cuteness has a forbidden name – then, oh Christ! It must be Natalie Portman! If loving this 12-year-old is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Or in jail. LÉON (aka THE PROFESSIONAL) is writer-director Luc Besson‘s masterpiece. For its poignant paintings of shadowy souls in conflict with themselves and each other; for its dynamite … Read More

THE LEGO MOVIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Will knock your block off! THE LEGO MOVIE is a maximus overload of cinematic revelry; a riotous brick house of bedazzlement. Action, spectacle, romance, cultural refs, fueled by goodness and badness and cuteness. And millions and millions of Lego bricks. Emmett Brickowski (voice of Chris Pratt) is a little Lego man, with perfect Lego hair, living in a perfect Lego … Read More

LIFE OF PI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Gripe with Pi. Get rid of all the religiosity and Ang Lee‘s LIFE OF PI would be an intriguing adventure and unique thought experiment. But with the muck of God pervading every second line of dialogue, it makes me want to crucify somebody. Indian teen Pi Patel (Suraj Sharma) is onboard a ship, journeying with his family from India … Read More

LINCOLN

Poffy The Cucumber

When Republicans bore resemblance to the human species… A bunch of old, out-of-touch white guys babbling about slavery. The Republican Party hasn’t changed much. Well, back then, as the party of LINCOLN, they were trying to free the slaves; nowadays, they’re working to get them all back. My main question about this ambitious film is: With all the camera operators, … Read More

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II

Poffy The Cucumber

Not really “Last” and not really “Exorcism.” This movie’s predecessor, THE LAST EXORCISM (2010), had a great hook: an exorcist who knew he was only placating the superstitious with his staged exorcisms, but if it helped the redneck families who believed this guff to regain their lives, it was beneficial – until he ran up against a real demon. THE … Read More

THE LONGEST DAY

Poffy The Cucumber

The Longest Fey. A German soldier tells his commander “Some sort of rubber dummies have been dropped by parachute!” – and he wasn’t talking about the Americans. THE LONGEST DAY has the distinction of revealing many interesting World War II tactics even to jaded modern, post-RYAN audiences. Such as the British dropping 3-foot-high dummies as night decoys, made to shoot … Read More

LO

Poffy The Cucumber

Lo and Behold. Ambitious, independent, smart and dumb at the same time, Travis Betz’s LO is about summoning demons, selling souls and whipping pussies. Justin (Ward Roberts) has lost his girlfriend April (Sarah Lassez), so summons the demon Lo (Jeremiah Burkett) to get her back. Not the usual modus operandi of getting drunk and scoring a hooker to numb the … Read More

LIMITLESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Full Frontal Lobity. Bradley Cooper takes a pill that makes him even sexier. Now how is that even possible? LIMITLESS is a breezy fantasy about a shiftless writer, Eddie Morra (Cooper), who is given a mysterious pill that allows him to access 100% of his brain, instead of the usual 20%. A super-man tale (or, in the case of Cooper, … Read More