MAGIC MIKE

Poffy The Cucumber

Sweat, Flesh, Booze, Drugs, wife-swapping, dry humping, backstabbing… who wants breakfast? Don’t bullshit me! You came here to see Channing Tatum dance! You didn’t come to MAGIC MIKE to see the story of young loser Adam (Alex Pettyfer) who can’t hold a job to save his life, befriending stripper Magic Mike (Tater Tots Tatum), who smarms him a job at … Read More

MONEYBALL

Poffy The Cucumber

When Statistics Became Sexy. Brad Pitt ends MONEYBALL with, “How can you not be romantic about baseball?” which is ironic, because he just spent the whole movie deconstructing The Great American Pastime’s romanticism with “sabermetrics” (a clinical mathematical process that focuses purely on statistics to choose players), wheeling and dealing at the highest levels of the baseball industry with wrath-of-God … Read More

MR BLUE SKY: THE STORY OF JEFF LYNNE & ELO

Poffy The Cucumber

Into The Blue… MR BLUE SKY documents the career and works of singer, songwriter, producer, guitarist, vocalist, keyboardist, control freak, all-round nice guy, and (according to Paul McCartney) total twat – Jeff Lynne. Lynne has always been one of the most underrated musicians in the world, and one of the most unassuming. With this documentary from veteran musicologist Martyn Atkins, … Read More

THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Of gods and mothmen. Big moth. Big mystery! THE MOTHMAN PROPHECIES is a well-directed, original psychological thriller about a stranger (Richard Gere) in a small town who is driven almost mad with disembodied voices warning of danger, all the while hearing tales around town from reputable witnesses, of an eight-foot tall “Mothman” that could somehow be connected to the prophecies. … Read More

MARGIN CALL

Poffy The Cucumber

Shark Poop Swim Eat. Beautifully staged, excellently performed and brilliantly explained, J.C. Chandor’s conference-table thriller is about the financial crash of 2008, and the 700 billion dollar American bailout that followed. But nowhere does MARGIN CALL give us a date, place or corporation name; it shows us AnyCompany, Inc., populated by AnySharks dealing with EveryOne’s money. It is a story … Read More

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Highway to the Ambivalent Zone. Exciting? Yes. Stupid? Impossibly. Super spy Ethan Hunt (an incredibly smug Tom Cruise) must stop villain Sean Ambrose (Dougray Scott) from spreading a genetically modified disease in Australia. Taking his cues from every reputable pharm corporation, Ambrose wants to spread the Chimera virus in order to sell the cure, called Bellerophon, buying enough stocks in … Read More

MIDWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Midway between “average” and “annoying crap.” MIDWAY opens with a title card: “This is the way it was. The story of the battle that was the turning point of the war in the Pacific. Told wherever possible with actual film shot in combat. It exemplifies the combination of planning, courage, error and pure chance by which great events are often … Read More

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Film That Stares Into Space. Your tax dollars at work. A few years ago, I read about the U.S. military exploring “paranormal combat techniques” in George W. Bush’s Fake War On Terror: using goats as test subjects, the Amerikan Military were trying to train soldiers to kill terrorists by staring at them to psychically stop their hearts. No, it’s … Read More

MACHETE

Poffy The Cucumber

Carving a niche for immigration heroes. If you really wanna be street cool, you’ll pronounce it ‘Ma-CHET-tay.’ The much-overlooked yet mustered Danny Trejo brings his battleground face to the title role of Robert Rodriguez‘s hilariously vicious MACHETE, the story of an ex-federale (code name: Machete) going undercover against illegal politicians against illegal immigrants. The hook is that Machete prefers as … Read More

MILLION DOLLAR BABY

Poffy The Cucumber

Punch drunk love. Clint Eastwood‘s magnificent tone-poem of determination, redemption, salvation, loyalty, guilt… oh, and there’s some boxing and stuff… MILLION DOLLAR BABY is as much a “boxing movie” as UNFORGIVEN is a “cowboy movie.” That is to say, not at all. (Simpletons: “Say wha–?”) Sure, Clint plays a boxing trainer, Frankie Dunn, in a boxing gym, surrounded by boxers … Read More

MANHATTAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Allen’s Town. On the island city of MANHATTAN, Woody Allen’s masterful study of how every person is an island. Opening montage is enough to make you want to move there; a scintillating montage of the Manhattan skyline, the streets, the people, the shops and streetside vendors, from the scum to the scenic, Allen’s narration starting out purposely melodramatic and settling … Read More

MOON

Poffy The Cucumber

Space Oddity. In 1969, two years before director Duncan Jones was born, David Bowie released the single, Space Oddity. 40 years later, Bowie’s son, Duncan Zowie Haywood Jones releases his own space oddity – the brilliant MOON, an intelligent, thoughtful, unsettling, dialogue-driven drama and the first true science fiction movie in a light year. “Commencing countdown, engines on…” This isn’t … Read More

MR. HOLLAND’S OPUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Mopus Opus. A well-intentioned redemption movie that follows all its formulas sweetly, MR HOLLAND’S OPUS then tries one last tear-jerk that just makes us feel dirty, paying off with a piece of elevator muzak that is so memorable, it will have you humming something else within five minutes of hearing it. Richard Dreyfuss is Mr. Holland, a composer who begrudgingly … Read More

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND

Poffy The Cucumber

High Maintenance Heroine. Luke Wilson sells this film. MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND has Ivan Reitman (GHOSTBUSTERS) directing, a solid comedy writer from THE SIMPSONS, Don Payne, Rainn Wilson at the top of his game and Eddie Izzard at the middle (though still attaining the standard of low-bar American comedians); it also has Uma Thurman looking hot – as a super heroine AND … Read More

MULTIPLICITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Keaton’s Bravura Quadriformance. One person sells MULTIPLICITY: Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton. And Michael Keaton. Keaton is Doug Kinney, so swamped in career and family life that in order to find felicity for himself, he creates a clone to share the burden of domesticity. But one clone turns into two clones turns into three clones… the complicity … Read More

MOBY DICK

Poffy The Cucumber

Taming the Beast of Man. Call me Moby. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – I thought I would swim about and see the watery part of the world. So there I am, big white sperm whale, enjoying the ocean green, going about my whaley business, when along comes Cap’n Ahab and harpoons me! Without so much … Read More

THE MAIDEN HEIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Passion of The Heist. A quaint little heist comedy, with a nifty romantic resolution, THE MAIDEN HEIST stars Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken and William H. Macy as security guards at a Boston art museum, so enamored with certain art pieces that when those pieces are sold to a European museum, they decide to steal the pieces for themselves and … Read More

MR SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON

Poffy The Cucumber

Pure as the driven ho. Politicians are whores. This we know to be fact. So what makes anyone think the idealistic Mr. Smith in MR SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON would not buckle at the knees and subscribe to the corruption inherent in the system, were his career drawn out long enough? Alan Grayson, the real life Democratic Florida senator in … Read More

MONSTERS VS ALIENS

Poffy The Cucumber

Monstrous Alienation. MONSTERS VS ALIENS is a suitably giggly concept, well executed in 3D animation, well written, with funny characters and a straightforward storyline that kiddies will understand. Yet it fails for a fundamental reason – it advocates Guantánamo Bay! Whoa! Poffy’s gone insane! Comparing a kid’s cartoon to President Bush-Cheney’s war crimes. But think carefully now: As a human … Read More

MARLEY AND ME

Poffy The Cucumber

The Pursuit of Crappyness. In the insensate family comedy, MARLEY & ME, a young couple (Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston) buy a labrador puppy that we know the film wants us to regard as “mischievous,” “lovable,” “cute,” but which is, in reality, retarded, for when it grows to adulthood, it still has not learned one shred of discipline and cannot … Read More