MILK

Poffy The Cucumber

Got Rights? Life really did begin at 40 for Harvey Milk. Unfortunately, it ended at 48. MILK follows the short, comet-across-the-skies career of Harvey Milk (Sean Penn), the first gay official elected to public office in the Close-minded United Hypocrite States of America. We meet Milk in the waning hours of his 39th birthday, picking up a stranger (James Franco … Read More

MARGOT AT THE WEDDING

Poffy The Cucumber

The Family that frays together… What do you get when you reunite two high maintenance sisters after years of not speaking to each other? Higher maintenance. Margot (Nicole Kidman) and her son, Claude (Zane Pais) travel from Manhattan to Long Island, to attend the wedding of Margot’s sister, Pauline (Jennifer Jason Leigh) to shiftless musician wannabe, Malcolm (Jack Black), whom … Read More

MALCOLM X

Poffy The Cucumber

Malcolm in the Shizzle. Before MLK, Before O, there was – X. MALCOLM X – a black brimstone messiah excoriating the white devil. Denzel Washington is Malcolm Little (whom everyone calls “Red” for his conked red hair), a petty thief, cocaine addict, prostitute peddler, dynamite swing dancer, and all-round small-time gangsta before the term was invented. During the World War … Read More

MR. BROOKS

Poffy The Cucumber

Serial-licious. Serial killer. Not a sympathetic role, but in MR. BROOKS, Kevin Costner dives into the psychotic title character with a violinist’s verve. His killings are orgasmic; his planning, meticulous; his wife and daughter, oblivious. His alter ego, so well-defined it’s William Hurt. And that’s why we love him so. Writers Bruce A. Evans (also director) and Raynold Gideon make … Read More

MR. WOODCOCK

Poffy The Cucumber

Wooden Cack. My recollection of the name “Woodcock” is from BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969) – Paul Newman, trying to convince the Union Pacific Railroad guy to open the train door so the gang won’t have to use explosives, flippantly pronouncing the name with that edge of dirtiness, “Hey, Woodcock! You can’t want to get blown up again!” … Read More

MR AND MRS SMITH

Poffy The Cucumber

Emasculation Proclamation. Almost – but not quite – Bennifer. Idiotically tagged “Brangelina,” the publicity-romance dream team of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie explode in popcorn bedlam in MR. AND MRS. SMITH, as married super spies who are unaware that each other is a spy. …Real pros. Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to popcorn and die – … Read More

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL

Poffy The Cucumber

How We Know the Earth to be Banana-Shaped. Delivered on a budget which would hardly diminish the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow, MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL boasts the production values and inherent quality of a movie ten times its cost.A lesson in resourcefulness, HOLY GRAIL succeeds because it excels at what made Hollywood such a star-mart in … Read More

MADAGASCAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Mad at Gascar. Four spoiled zoo animal friends find their fantasies of living in the wild are far from ideal when they are inadvertently shipped to the jungles of Africa. Loud, slapstick, colorful and – unless you are eight – generally unfunny, MADAGASCAR is a fish-out-of-water tale gasping for air. However, the lemurs are hilarious and the penguins are priceless. … Read More

MONSTER HOUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

Property Impropriety. MONSTER HOUSE takes urban legend ten steps frightfully further by making the neighborhood “haunted house” a real MONSTER. Young teen DJ (voiced by Mitchel Musso) and his portly pal, Chowder (Sam Lerner), find that the menacing house across the street is actually eating people, with tricycles and basketballs as chasers. Owned by sourpuss, Mr. Nebbercracker (Steve Buscemi – … Read More

MAFIA!

Poffy The Cucumber

“What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?” This movie is the severed horse’s head bleeding all over the pajamas of intelligent moviegoers everywhere. Helmed by writer-director Jim Abrahams – the comedy maverick who brought us AIRPLANE, HOT SHOTS! And THE NAKED GUN – words cannot describe the humor that every single frame of this movie … Read More

MEMENTO

Poffy The Cucumber

The Reverse Genius Principle. 9) And that’s when we realize we could never be sure of anything to begin with. 8) When Leonard eventually thinks he has found his wife’s killer, eleventh-hour reveals shock us with the possibility that his whole crisis may be nothing more than delusion. 7) Editing MEMENTO must have been like navigating inside Las Vegas hotels with … Read More

MATCH POINT

Poffy The Cucumber

Unmatched. There is such a brilliant hook in Woody Allen‘s MATCH POINT that to say anything about it would ruin its impact. So I’m going to anyway. It’s the woman in me. Writer-director Allen leans so heavily on the tennis idiom (from opening the film with a tennis analogy dependent on luck – a ball nicking the top edge of … Read More

MISSION TO MARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission To Farce. MISSION TO MARS stands every bit as tall as CAPRICORN ONE in the Ignorant Space Movie category, exhibiting so many misdemeanors, misrepresentations, misapplied physics laws, mistaken facts, missteps, mysterious logic, and misapprehension of spacefaring dialect that one wonders which second-grader took three months off school to helm it. Brian de Palma – the dark force behind 1983’s … Read More

MONSTER-IN-LAW

Poffy The Cucumber

Dogwalker Meets Bitch. This movie was just as asinine when it was called MAID IN MANHATTAN. All Hollywood romantic comedies which aim their two heterosexual principals at marriage – will attain that goal. This is a scientific fact. Also a fact is that once the brain-fuzzed couple has affirmed their intentions to marry, all manner of obstacle – from plausible … Read More

MEET THE FOCKERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Fock This! There are two big laughs in MEET THE FOCKERS – but I can’t remember where they are. Sequel to the minimally-superior MEET THE PARENTS, this movie once again makes a fool of Robert De Niro, continues to make a neb of Ben Stiller, while orbiting megastars Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman add little or nothing with their “oversexed … Read More

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET 1994

Poffy The Cucumber

A Muddle-Headed Miracle. WARNING TO DIABETICS: The syrup content of MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET is so high that the surgeon general advises not to watch it, for danger of inducing diabetic neuropathy and gastroparesis. Les Mayfield (ENCINO MAN) directs this remake of the 1947 “classic,” about a Coles store Santa who claims to be “Kris Kringle” (Richard Attenborough), and is … Read More

MUNICH

Poffy The Cucumber

An Ingenious Fantasy by a Fantasy Genius. MUNICH is not about Munich. Nor is it about events which followed the massacre of Israeli athletes. It is about Steven Spielberg’s ego. And how far into Audacious he can drive it without becoming Oliver Stone. This movie’s tagline boasts, “The world was watching in 1972 as 11 Israeli athletes were murdered at … Read More

ME, MYSELF AND IRENE

Poffy The Cucumber

So Much Effort, So Little Movie. Jim Carrey in another 10-star performance. Alas, for a mere 6-star movie. Where one has come to expect simply another mugging, scenery-chewing turn from Jim Carrey, in ME, MYSELF AND IRENE he surprises elegantly with his controlled portrayal of amiable Charlie Baileygates, a disrespected Rhode Island police officer whose retention of insults, barbs, put-downs … Read More