Probing your mind, not your anus. A renowned horse trainer and his sister experience strange happenings on their farm. They soon discover the horses are being spooked by something Not Of Planet Earth. Writer-director Jordan Peele subverts our expectations with such an original story in NOPE that it catches us off-guard. Yes, there is something extra-terrestrial prancing around in the … Read More
NIKKI GLASER: BANGIN’
Doing the Schumer Shimmy. What a slut! I’m 12 minutes into Nikki Glaser’s standup Special and she is still talking about blowjobs. It stopped being funny around the 2nd minute. Nikki Glaser’s second standup Special, BANGIN’ (her first for Netflix), filmed at The Academy in Los Angeles, is 1 hour and 3 minutes of incessant chatter and zero content. I … Read More
NOTHING SACRED
Before Martin & Lewis – there was March & Lombard. NOTHING SACRED is the original 1937 screwball comedy that inspired the Martin and Lewis remake, LIVING IT UP in 1954. Vermont smalltown girl, Hazel Flagg (Carole Lombard, extra cute, extra red), has fatal “radium poisoning” and receives a hefty sum from her employer, with which she plans to visit New … Read More
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION
Tidings of no comfort, no joy. I’ll tell you why I hate Chevy Chase. As much as Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx and Jerry Lewis worked on honing their comedic craft, the talent-less drogue Chevy Chase has done exactly the opposite. Chase can be compared to his equally talent-less contemporary, singer Ozzy Osbourne; both Chevy and Ozzy ride the … Read More
NEIGHBORS 2014
Flab versus Ab. A young married couple with a newborn are faced with a rowdy college fraternity moving in next door. And all rock hard abs break loose… well, not really, but once Zac Efron takes his shirt off, there’s really nothing left in the universe to look at. The suburban comedy NEIGHBORS finds Mac (chub Seth Rogen), improbably married … Read More
NON-STOP
A particular set of thrills. An air marshal must stop a mysterious texting terrorist carrying out his threats to kill one person every 20 minutes. And sending poo emojis. The airplane thriller NON-STOP is, in fact, non-stop thrills, with Liam Neeson plying his intensity as air marshal Bill Marks (basically a reprise of his role as Bryan Mills, special forces … Read More
NOW YOU SEE ME
The closer you look, the less you’ll care… Magician J. Daniel Atlas has a slogan: “The closer you look – the less you’ll see.” Uh, no, I’m actually seeing right into your cliché-riddled screenplay, and your swooping camera moves to misdirect me means that you know that I know what you don’t want me to know… Four smug magicians use … Read More
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION
Road trip-up. American Humor. And if that’s not an oxymoron, then surely the phrase Comedian Chevy Chase is. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION stars non-comedian Chase as Clark Griswold, a father determined to drive his family cross-country from Chicago to Los Angeles, to visit the famed Disneyland-type amusement park, Walley World. And all American Humor breaks loose, which means vain attempts at … Read More
THE NUT JOB
Nutless. A group of woodland creatures tries to infiltrate a nut shop and heist its nuts for the winter after their supply in the park is accidentally blown up. Uncute, unlovable animal characters populate THE NUT JOB, an animated feature that aims for excitement, romance and danger and never pulls off any of it as successfully as the uncute unlovable … Read More
THE NET
The Future Is Then. Back in the days when having a computer was like having a teleporter, young hacker Angela Bennett (Sandra Bullock, who has a computer at her home and everything!) is sent a disk (wow! A floppy disk! This is like, too futuristic for me to handle!) with an illegal program on it that could allow access to … Read More
NOAH
Dark Ark. Obsession! It’s not just a perfume. It’s all over the King James Bible. And for the first time, captured in a major motion picture that doesn’t paint a biblical figure like a cardboard cutout whimsically pimping himself out to God’s unholy will. On the strength of a “vision,” a guy builds a boat 300 cubits long (whatever that … Read More
NINE HOURS TO RAMA
The Dark Side of the Horst. I see a red door and I want it painted black. –The Rolling Stones, “Paint It Black” No, it’s not a movie about Arthur C. Clarke’s enigmatic alien space station, Rendezvous With Rama, but about the assassination of Mohandas K. Gandhi (aka Mahatma Gandhi) on January 30, 1948, and his alleged last utterance upon … Read More
NETWORK
Don’t get mad – get a News Show. A washed-up newscaster (Peter Finch) is about to be fired from a television network for being over the hill and losing ratings. Until he does something that shocks the network executives, forces the viewing public to take notice, and rockets his ratings. He starts telling the truth. Sidney Lumet‘s NETWORK is a … Read More
NOWHERE BOY
I Am The Baby Seal Jesus. It helps if you read this review with a nasal British accent. Bonus points for having a big cartoon nose. John Lennon’s high school principal tells him, “You’re going nowhere, son.” At that point, you’re meant to slap your thigh and exclaim “Hah! Little did he know!” Do you feel dirty yet? A mixture … Read More
NINE MONTHS
What a miscarriage! NINE MONTHS is about an expectant couple. To borrow a tagline from a Jeff Goldblum movie: Be afraid. Be very afraid. If the inanity doesn’t kill you, the stupidity will. NINE MONTHS opens with Samuel and Rebecca (Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore) on a beach, assessing their couplehood, Samuel deciding he is happy, Rebecca intimating she is … Read More
THE NEGOTIATOR
Two Wrongs making Two Rights. THE NEGOTIATOR would have scored higher Cukee ratings had it not opted for melodramatic Hollywood-speak and Samuel L. Jackson‘s penchant for delivering didactic lines as if he was Jules in PULP FICTION explaining stuff to Vincent Vega. Jackson is police hostage negotiator Danny Roman – the best at what he does – who is framed … Read More
NEXT
Next To Nothing. “Here’s the thing about the future,” Nic Cage tells us at the beginning of NEXT, “every time you look at it, it changes – because you looked at it. And that changes everything else.” Oh, so it’s Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. Only dumber. Cage is Cris Johnson, a Las Vegas mentalist who can see two minutes into his … Read More
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
Night of the Actor’s Studio Rejects. 1968. While Kubrick unveiled 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, while Polanski birthed ROSEMARY’S BABY, while Franklin J. Schaffner unleashed PLANET OF THE APES, George A Romero, a director who couldn’t direct, got together with a bunch of actors who couldn’t act and lumbered out NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. And the world became a stupider … Read More
NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS
I’m going to take a Treasure Bath! For all its contrived clue-solving and annoying coincidences and tiresome car chases, and even Nicolas Cage‘s mourning face, NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS is a lot of fun. Maybe producer Jerry Bruckheimer had something to do with the fact we can hardly take a breath before the next relentless action sequence derived from … Read More
NOT EASILY BROKEN
Preachy, Peachy and Screechy. Directed by the great Bill Duke (the big black guy from PREDATOR), NOT EASILY BROKEN is tailored for the black christian market like a black suit and tie is tailored for a Reservoir Dog. Dave Johnson (Morris Chestnut) is married to a screeching harridan (Taraji P. Henson), who seems to possess no redeeming qualities except two … Read More
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