Kylo Ren: Before The Dark Side. 65 million years ago, Kylo Ren crash-lands on Earth the day before the asteroid hits. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, exuding Keanu energy, leaves his home planet Somaris on an interstellar mission that would separate him from his ailing daughter (Chloe … Read More
13 SINS
Sinful Crim-ful. Thirteen challenges. That will either get you killed, jailed, or set for life with a fortune. 13 SINS is, like all movies of its ilk, not about what the man onscreen would do to acquire the Scrooge McDuck swimming pool of riches, but what YOU would do. In this American thriller/black comedy that exudes a British feel, Elliott … Read More
6 UNDERGROUND
Deadpool Times Six. Ryan Reynolds leads six black-ops vigilantes in removing a dictator and installing his democratic brother in the fictional country of Turgistan (resembling Armenia or Persia, one of those places where the food is great but the religion sucks balls). Not exactly a democratic process though, is it? Oh, that’s right – it’s American democracy. He’s not empowered … Read More
1917
The one-take war. War! Huah! Good God y’all! What is it good for?! Absolutely Oscar! GALLIPOLI meets SAVING PRIVATE RYAN in the Newest Generation’s gritty war film, “1917.” (The year people started to realize Archduke Ferdinand probably wasn’t worth all this bone and blood sausage.) World War I (a rare topic, as most modern war movies cover WWII onwards). Two … Read More
14 CAMERAS
America’s Perviest Home Videos. The story of the pervert landlord installing hidden cameras to spy on his tenants in 13 CAMERAS may have been disconcerting, but its sequel, 14 CAMERAS, is disturbing on a visceral level. Gerald the Landlord (Neville Archambault, reprising his sickening, remarkable role as the loose-lipped sex pervert) has taken his voyeur pastime to the dark web. … Read More
13 CAMERAS
He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake… His carriage tilts forward when he waddles like a human-hippo hybrid, his breathing labored, his face the pallor of a fetid corpse, his loose-lipped maw hanging open in licentious drool, his stench overwhelming; he looks like the missing link between Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon Man. And he’s watching you. But … Read More
2 FAST 2 FURIOUS
2 Fast 2 Bi-Curious. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS was so successful that Universal Pictures had to have a sequel, so they did the smart thing and threw out all the characters from the first movie and only kept the prettiest girl for the sequel, Paul Walker. (Actually, all the characters were asked to return, but Vin Diesel turned down … Read More
3 RING CIRCUS
Circus of Pain. In the first film appearance of Martin and Lewis, 1949’s MY FRIEND IRMA, Jerry Lewis was “written in” as a sidekick to Dean Martin’s character, who was integral to the plot. 5 years and 11 films later, now Dean is the fifth wheel in 3 RING CIRCUS. Jerry is Jerome “Jerry” Hotchkiss, and Dean is Pete Nelson, … Read More
300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE
300: Rise of the Swoll. As Zack Snyder’s 300 covered the thrilling land battle of Sparta against Persia, Noam Murro’s 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE covers the concurrent sea battle. The boring sea battle. Oh, it still looks amazing, with the same ochre tint and album-cover pizzazz as Snyder’s epic, with that same filmic technique that lovingly embraces the crystalline … Read More
THE 33
Deep, dark and whitewashed. 33 men trapped in a mine, arguing over food, water, and who gets to negotiate the book deal. THE 33, a dramatization of the Chilean mine disaster of 2010, is a dichotomy of empathy and outrage. The pendulum swings hard both ways; firstly at the outrage of a mining corporation that would think so little of … Read More
21 & OVER
For Mental Ages 21 & Under. Hooray for irresponsibility! 21 & OVER perfectly illustrates why America is at the bottom of the intelligence ladder. But we can still laugh at it. (Like every other country does to America.) Reprobate loudmouth college dropout Miller (Miles Teller) and mildly responsible nerd Casey (Skylar Astin) drag their college friend Jeff Chang (Justin Chong) … Read More
3 DAYS TO KILL
3 Days of Swill. Kevin Costner is suitably grizzled CIA agent Ethan Renner, suffering from a terrible case of Screenwriting Clichés: he’s got The Hollywood Cancer with 3 months to live and he’s got The Estranged Wife and The Strong-Willed Teen Daughter whom he is Trying To Connect With while he’s on One Last Mission with 3 DAYS TO KILL. … Read More
4TH AND LOUD
Football by old Ballers. Love KISS. Could care less about foopball. Hate reality TV. 4TH AND LOUD is a quirky combination of all three. If you like even two out of three, you’re in for a treat with this rollicking, bollicking reality series from AMC, that follows KISS founders Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley as they put together the first … Read More
28 DAYS
Alco-bollocks Anonymous. Hey, Alcoholics, Do you really want to be portrayed this way? Not only having to go through the physical pain of withdrawal, the humiliation of prostrating yourself in front of snide voyeurs, the loss of income, respect and friendship, now you also have to endure 28 DAYS representing your rehabilitation as kindergarten for grownups with mental disorders. So, … Read More
12 YEARS A SLAVE
Twelve Thousand Years A Slave… and Counting… 12 YEARS A SLAVE is a great movie on its surface, is a horrible story when viewed in context of American history and is unspeakably terrifying when placed against the larger sociological canvas. I’ll explain all this in a moment if you’ll just stop fussing about the n-word… on the surface 12 YEARS … Read More
2016: OBAMA’S AMERICA
Fooling the Fools again. Who we foolin’ here? All one needs to glean a perspective on this documentary’s Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS) is to read the opening lines of any of its “sensible” “unbiased” “objective” reviews; all the waterheads who feel the need to proclaim, “First off I want to say that I based my commentary on the content rather … Read More
13
Target Malpractice. A man down on his luck accepts an invitation to make big money – and inadvertently finds himself the 13th gunman in an underground Russian Roulette game. “13” sets up the clichéd premise immediately: electrician Vince Ferro (Sam Riley) needs money for his dad’s operation. While he is busy connecting wires at a client’s home, he overhears the … Read More
THE 99 PERCENT | VANGUARD | S5 E13
When Lambs Become Lions. There’s an old proverb attributed to the Chinese, “May you live in interesting times.” It’s not a blessing, it’s a curse. Yet there’s a certain “blessing” to being privy to these historical times: I have lived to see the event that exacerbated America’s racism – 9/11; the man who changed the way the world communicated – … Read More
127 HOURS
Arm-ageddon. Pain – is such a rush! This – is pain! Fabulous! — Brad from BACHELOR PARTY. Betcha when Aron Ralston started his canyon hike that Saturday morning, he didn’t think that by 10 a.m. he’d be swimming in a subterranean cavern with two hot chicks, that by Wednesday he’d be drinking his own urine and that by Thursday he’d … Read More
11:14
A Time to Ill. An ingenious tripwire thriller, where a series of unrelated events all come together in the wrong place at the wrong time – 11:14 pm. Writer-director Greg Marcks crafts 11:14 like a master weaver of spells, throwing us into compelling vignettes already in progress, in the grand tradition of Tarantino. That being said, 11:14 is reminiscent of … Read More
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