44 INCH CHEST

Poffy The Cucumber

Chest-beating. ‘Cause I’m a man, I got my pride, Don’t need no woman to hurt me inside. I need love, like any other – So go on and leave me! Leave me for another! — “Good Lovin’ Gone Bad,” Bad Company. I think 44 INCH CHEST is trying to set some kind of record for saying the word “cunt.” That’s … Read More

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17 AGAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Teens and geeks and MILFs. Oh my! I’ve just gone teen-gay for Zac Efron! Before they send the teen-gay patrol to check my temperature with an anal thermometer, I have to add that 17 AGAIN (starring Efron) is a very stupid movie; not deliberately stupid like ACE VENTURA or BALLS OF FURY, but unwatchably stupid, like MONSTER-IN-LAW or GHOSTS OF … Read More

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2012

Poffy The Cucumber

And he’ll have fun fun fun ’til his daddy takes the CG away… As disaster movies go, 2012 is definitely the big one. I mean, how do you outrun the world? An inordinately large neutrino burst from the sun causes the Earth to break, and creates much employment for special effects companies. Also, the planets in our solar system have … Read More

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9

Poffy The Cucumber

Sock It To Me. Sock puppet apocalypse! First, allow me to register a complaint: Tim Burton’s name is bandied about this production like it was his to bandy. Even the intriguing trailers stank of advertising Burton. Tim Burton is one of the producers and his name is for marquee strength only. “9” is solely the vision of animator-writer-director genius Shane … Read More

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88 MINUTES

Poffy The Cucumber

87 Minutes Too Long. In 88 MINUTES, Al Pacino is FBI forensic psychiatrist Jack Gramm, who puts away a serial killer, Jon Forster (crazy-eyed Neal McDonough) and gets a phone call on Forster’s scheduled execution day – a Darth Voice telling him he has 88 minutes left to live. Coincidentally, Pacino’s hair is so big, he looks like he is … Read More

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50 FIRST DATES

Poffy The Cucumber

Fuggedaboudit! Another Adam Sandler movie. Another Chick Flick. Another romantic comedy. Another film that Rob Schneider appears in. All in all, another Spectacular Waste Of Time. 50 FIRST DATES is almost as painful as the brain injury it makes fun of. Henry (Sandler) is a marine biologist at a SeaWorld in Hawaii. (If you can conceptualize Adam Sandler as a … Read More

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THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Most fun you can have not having sex. Judd Apatow’s THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN has a premise which is utterly ridiculous, a story utterly preposterous and a cast utterly hilarious. Steve Carell is Andy, the eponymous 40-year-old virgin, enjoying his bachelorhood working at an electronics store by day, painting action figures and playing video games by night. After Andy’s … Read More

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3:10 TO YUMA 2007

Poffy The Cucumber

Black hat, White hat, Gray souls… Every way of man is right in his own eyes. – Wade quoting the Book of Proverbs, 3:10 TO YUMA. Every modern Western released after Eastwood’s mighty 1992 elegy has laid hollow claim to “The best western since UNFORGIVEN.” 3:10 TO YUMA is. That’s because – like UNFORGIVEN – YUMA is not a “Western,” … Read More

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21

Poffy The Cucumber

Counting to Dumb. In this vacuous drama supposedly based on a true story, Old Hand (Kevin Spacey) teaches Teen Models (Kate Bosworth, Aaron Yoo, Liza Lapira, Jacob Pitts) to count cards and take on Vegas. Happens that Old Hand is college professor Micky Rosa, and his Teen Models are his students at Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Boston. I don’t … Read More

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THE 9/11 COMMISSION REPORT

Poffy The Cucumber

History rewritten. And rewritten. And rewritten… We’ll never know The Truth about 9/11. And this shoddy movie proves it. I recently watched a YouTube report claiming there were no planes involved in the Twin Towers’ destruction; that all the news programs were supposedly provided with same-angle shots of the Towers from a mysterious source (probably the gubmint?), and in that … Read More

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10,000 B.C.

Poffy The Cucumber

Mammoth Mistake. Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. is such an authentic and realistic portrayal of primitive man, it is clear he did all his research by watching THE FLINTSTONES. I never knew a movie could annoy me from its first minute. It is 10,000 B.C. A camera pans down on a prehistoric village – and a “narrator” starts – not just … Read More

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16 BLOCKS

Poffy The Cucumber

With Intent to Act… Has Bruce Willis been taking acting lessons? Rather than Just Another Tough Guy Infurio role, in 16 BLOCKS, Willis has put some nuanced daylight between himself and The John McClane. His detective Jack Mosley is haggard, worn-out, somber, morose, sporting a paunch (which looks suspiciously like a pillow), washing down meds with cheap whiskey, and so … Read More

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1408

Poffy The Cucumber

GROUNDHOG DAY with supernatural teeth. Remember IDENTITY? It’s John Cusack trapped in a hotel again! And just like IDENTITY… It was a dark and stormy night. A car misses a turnoff, the driver reverses to see the hotel sign; turning down the side-street, he soon parks, runs across a picturesque bridge to a rustic hotel, sheltering himself from the tempest. … Read More

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300

Poffy The Cucumber

Body-shaved for Glory. That reminds me, I need to hit the gym. Some say 300 is as violent as Mel Gibson’s APOCALYPTO, but it’s not. 300 elevates violence to a new level – violence as art. Sure, APOCALYPTO and other movies that push the envelope on graphic pain could be construed as “art” – but only in 300 is the … Read More

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2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

Poffy The Cucumber

Also sprach Kubrick und Clarke. Long before Douglas Adams, in 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke tackle Life, the Universe and Everything. The result? Monolithic! A movie where everything exciting happens in the human mind. No aliens blasting at each other as if they were cowboys from 1870 Earth, or rocketsleds blaring loudly in space and … Read More

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2010: ODYSSEY TWO

Poffy The Cucumber

A Midget in the Footsteps of Giants. No one said it would be easy. Following in the mythic footsteps of Stanley Kubrick and equally legendary Arthur C. Clarke. Maybe it was this inimitable pedigree that gave lowly Peter Hyams the impetus to craft such a reasonably watchable sequel to 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. A tension-filled space trek where we laugh … Read More

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3000 MILES TO GRACELAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Another Nail In The King’s Coffin. Obvious from the outset that this Clambake would be a shameless Hollywood glam-scam, wise men say only fools rush in – and Kurt Russell, the best Elvis of all time (well, uh, besides the real one…) – gets himself into Double Trouble by donning this cape. A-uh-huh. Poster, slogan and title of 3000 MILES … Read More

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