PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Are We Scare Yet? They should remove the word “Activity” from this movie’s title. Note to filmmakers: after nothing happens on camera for two minutes, no need to keep the camera running for another two minutes, guys. The problem with PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2 is that it’s already been done – far better – by its own predecessor. It was innovative … Read More

PAUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Kind Encounters of the Close Third. It’s a buddy comedy of the crude kind, a road movie of the chase kind, a close encounter of the third kind! Hey, isn’t that Roger from AMERICAN DAD? Or do all aliens just look alike to me?… Two Brits on a pilgrimage to famed UFO sites in Nevada pick up a real extraterrestrial … Read More

PANDORUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Pablum-orum. PANDORUM is One Great Idea subsumed by all the bloodied action and trapped-in-space mayhem and frenzied filmstock required to hold a modern audience’s attention. But it frenzies up well, which accounts for its style-over-substance cucumber rating. Top-notch set design, direction, editing, all creating a claustrophobic impression of a star cruiser too long in space. Though PANDORUM is rife with … Read More

PAUL BLART MALL COP

Poffy The Cucumber

DIE HARD with a Segway. Kevin James is as funny as he can possibly be in PAUL BLART MALL COP – which means it’s a dull, uninspiring comedy that relies on him falling down and being fat a lot. In THE HANGOVER Ken Jeong laughs at plump Zack Gallifianakis clambering out of a car window with the comment, “It’s funny because … Read More

PRETTY WOMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

For the Love of Prostitution. Julia Roberts is a classless whore who gets lucky by bedding a millionaire. And in PRETTY WOMAN, Julia Roberts is a classless whore who gets lucky by bedding a millionaire. In what may be the most ignorant movie in a decade, a businessman hires a Hollywood Boulevard hooker (renowned for their trashiness, tastelessness, uncleanliness, tardiness … Read More

PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Incredible movie of a non-credible story. PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE is not a movie. It is a tonal poem. Writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson (MAGNOLIA, 1999) paints in dire hues, onerous sound and shifty-eyed desperation. And he makes a Man out of Adam Sandler – an achievement in itself. Sandler is Barry Egan, a businessman whose company makes novelty toiletries. He’s not all … Read More

PREDATORS

Poffy The Cucumber

Roaring Ripping Rending Rebirth! At last – the sequel to PREDATOR we’ve been waiting for! With the internet ablaze with derogation over the casting of Adrien Brody in the lead role (purely because action fans cannot comprehend life after Arnold), and the B-movie schlock of the ALIEN VS. PREDATOR movies sullying DVD rental racks around the planet, it would seem … Read More

PARANORMAL ENTITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Paranormal En-titty. I watched PARANORMAL ENTITY at night and I was not able to sleep afterwards. I was laughing that hard. A guy walks around his badly set-dressed house with a Point of View camera for ten nights, recording evidence of the titular paranormal entity haunting him and his bland mother and big-breasted sister. Boring has a new middle name. … Read More

PHILADELPHIA

Poffy The Cucumber

Lawyers cutting back door deals. Let’s face it – Tom Hanks probably caught AIDS at that BACHELOR PARTY. In PHILADELPHIA, Hanks is Andrew Beckett, a young gay lawyer (not pejoratively, as in “all lawyers are gay” – literally). His life is good; his law firm entrusts him with a primo case and brings him into the bigwig fold of Conservative … Read More

PINK FLOYD THE WALL

Poffy The Cucumber

“Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall…” If you wanna find out what’s behind these cold eyes You just have to claw your way through this disguise… — In The Flesh, Pink Floyd. A visual cataclysm of a musical monolith. PINK FLOYD: THE WALL is the movie of the album that hit us right between the teens, embedded in … Read More

PUBLIC ENEMIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Small time crooks painted larger than the criminals in any given corporation. An insipid telling of the fast life and crooked times of America’s first Public Enemy Number 1, John Dillinger. PUBLIC ENEMIES makes all the right moves, with all the right stars wearing all the right hardguy overcoats, but it somehow lacks grip. Set in the 1930’s Chicago crimewave … Read More

PLANET 51

Poffy The Cucumber

He who sips from many cups, drinks from none. The imitative art is an inferior who marries an inferior and has inferior offspring. — Plato, The Republic, Book X. Wow! A movie with NO original ideas! PLANET 51 is a glop of as many nudge-nudge wink-wink cultural references as cartoonly possible in an uninvolving 91-minute chase movie. Set on an … Read More

PURPLE RAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Hendrix’s Purple Phoenix Writ Large. The soul of Hendrix – and then some. And then some more. Dearly beloved, I give you: Prince Rogers Nelson, passion bleeding every note, saturating every choreographed gesture, purple feather boa and avant garde guitar, high on the genius of esoteric creation… PURPLE RAIN, at the time of its release, was Prince’s THE SONG REMAINS … Read More

PASSENGER 57

Poffy The Cucumber

Plain Plane Pain. Wesley Snipes is airline security specialist Cutter, who is the titular PASSENGER 57 onboard a flight when it is hijacked by British terrorists trying to escape the FBI (Bruce Payne as Charles Rane (who falls mainly on the plane), and a strikingly beautiful Elizabeth Hurley as his Bad Girl). Wesley must use his patented Wesley-Kwon-Do to bring … Read More

A PERFECT GETAWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Sunny, with a chance of homicide. Remember when it was cool for a movie to have a twist? Even a bad twist was a Good Thing. Then M. Night Shyamalan came along and gave us The Greatest Twist Of All in THE SIXTH SENSE… and screwed it up for everyone. “Twist” has become a bad word over the last decade, … Read More

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

Poffy The Cucumber

Shiver me fey timbers. Johnny Depp as some kind of transvestite, in a swinging, swordfighting fey-quest over the high seas of The Caribbean, with Orlando Bloom as his blacksmith girlfriend, and Geoffrey Rush as a grumpy old man in a Halloween pirate costume. Keira Knightley’s square man-jaw causes untold distraction; Jonathan Pryce gads about in a wig slightly smaller than … Read More

PAM AND TOMMY LEE: HARDCORE AND UNCENSORED

Poffy The Cucumber

White Trash Circus. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee naked. Like we haven’t seen that before. Let’s understand something: PAM AND TOMMY LEE: HARDCORE & UNCENSORED is not a movie in the regular sense of the word. It is a home video “leaked” to the press that has attained international notoriety because it features two well-known celebrities getting married. Oh, and … Read More

THE PROPOSAL

Poffy The Cucumber

I Do. Not. A vanilla THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA meets an idiotic GREEN CARD. Did Sandra Bullock learn nothing from her 1995 movie WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING? Here she goes again, blatantly lying about her supposed boyfriend to her supposed boyfriend’s family, to cover an empty life of lovelessness. Predictable? Check. Funny? Check. Cute little white dog named Kevin? Check. … Read More

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Poffy The Cucumber

Pants Not Normal Activity. Gonna get this PARANORMAL ACTIVITY party started by insulting “you people.” You People know who you are: believe in demons, astrology, gods, ghosts, angels, woobies… I make this distinction because this film’s impact on a non-superstitious cucumber is very different to its effect on You People, who take it for granted the events in this indie … Read More

PAN’S LABYRINTH

Poffy The Cucumber

A wondrously grim fairy tale. PAN’S LABYRINTH is a fairy tale, but it’s not for kids. Ironically, the fairy tales that are for kids are as dark as this tale. Set in the lush woodlands of 1944 Spain, during the waning of WWII, young bookworm Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) and her pregnant mother (Ariadna Gil) move into an army barracks with … Read More