Movie clone of a clone movie. So it’s not cool enough to call them “clones” anymore? Now we call them REPLICAS. Keanu Reeves fulfils the role of mad scientist in this modern FRANKENSTEIN meets PET SEMATARY tale, where he tragically reconstructs his dead family after a fatal accident. We meet bio-engineer William Foster (Reeves), as he and his team try … Read More
ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS
You Can’t Do Eet. For a guy whose catchphrase is “You can do it!” Rob Schneider has spent decades proving that he can’t. In ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS, Adam Sandler’s number one unfunny bottom bitch takes to the stage for his first ever Standup Special in Salt Lake City (just days before the Dumbo Donald Virus Shutdown in March 2020) … Read More
RETURN OF THE SEVEN
Magnificent Yul and the Six Dexters. You know how when you make a copy of a copy, it’s not as sharp as… well… the original. — Michael Keaton as Doug #3, MULTIPLICITY THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN was such a worldwide hit, a sequel had to come. But… uh… almost everyone died in the first one. How could there possibly be a … Read More
THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT
Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More
RAMBO: LAST BLOOD
Going out with a hammer, not a whimper… Mexican pimps. Rambo kill. The End. When distilled down to its essence, RAMBO: LAST BLOOD is a revenge movie, with creative kills bordering on gore-porn and Sylvester Stallone in the titular role bordering on Rambostein’s Monster. I guess we can’t fault a Rambo movie for being a quintessential Rambo movie. If we’re … Read More
THE RITUAL 2017
Swedish meat and balls. Four British friends on a hiking trip through Sweden encounter an elemental evil that crucifies people and eats their innards. This ain’t your daddy’s Swedish Chef. The hook in THE RITUAL is its crescendo of fear. With a chilling soundtrack that is disturbing all by itself, when added to the morbid events that bedevil the four … Read More
ROMA
Interesting Boredom. ROMA will bore you to death. Unless you pretend to like it because film critics say you should. ROMA is excellent filmmaking, controlled and economical, with creative direction, powerful performances and a tragic story. And it won the 2019 Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film. Yet it’s like watching Mexican paint dry. The story is quite simple: In … Read More
ROCK-A-BYE BABY
When the bough breaks… Jerry Lewis tries to fulfill the roles of both Dean Martin AND Jerry Lewis in this lurid tale of deceit and obsession disguised as family farce, where an unwed Hollywood starlet secretly leaves her new triplets in the care of her childhood sweetheart in a small town, to avoid scandal. The highest hurdle for 1958’s ROCK-A-BYE … Read More
THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE
Lost In Dysfunction. THE ROBINSONS: LOST IN SPACE is a 2004 remake of the 1965 series LOST IN SPACE, and remains as one unaired pilot episode. Following the unsuccessful filmic remake of LOST IN SPACE in 1998 (starring William Hurt and Gary Oldman), which was criticized (incorrectly) as being too dark, this television production goes in another direction and soaps … Read More
RUNAWAY
Looking back at the Future. Back in 1984, when Tom Selleck was kinda a leading man and Gene Simmons was kinda an actor, they made a movie called RUNAWAY. Kinda. It is The Future, and “robots” are aiding every facet of humanity, from drones with cameras in them (you don’t say!) to Artificial Intelligence nanny robots (that look like a … Read More
THE ROOM
It is not a good film! It is naaht! A scheming whore and a bad actor circle the drain in THE ROOM. Strange visitor from another planet, Tommy Wiseau writes, directs and stars in what has become infamous as “the worst movie ever made.” Johnny (Tommy Wiseau, who looks like a holdover from a Sunset Strip metal band in the … Read More
REPTILICUS
The Euro Puppet Holocaust. Godzilla – Denmark repreZENT! REPTILICUS, Denmark’s one and only daikaiju movie, is the Danish answer to Japan’s GODZILLA (1954). But whereas GODZILLA was a magnificent parable of man’s hubris toward nuclear abuse, REPTILICUS is about a puppet. There were only two Godzilla movies released at the time of REPTILICUS (1961) – the first was Ishiro Honda’s … Read More
ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY
Star Wars 3.5: Martyrs’ Crossing. It’s always the rogue that excites us… ROGUE ONE: A STARS WARS STORY is the bad boy of the STAR WARS universe. He turns up in his black charger with the heavy metal blaring and he makes our panties moist. Easily boasting the best production values of all the eight STAR WARS films to date, … Read More
ROCKY V
The Patriot that became a Senior Citizen. ROCKY V is the ALIEN 3 of Rocky Movies. Back to basics. It’s about Heart. And it’s about Family. Rocky’s enduring heart. And his struggles to understand his family outside the boxing arena. Facing potential brain damage from his last fight with Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) begrudgingly retires. Piling … Read More
ROCKY IV
The Gangbanger that became a Patriot. ROCKY IV is a montage of montages. And some boxing. Drago cometh. Montage. Drago breaketh Apollo. Montage. Rocky cryeth. Montage. Rocky traineth in snow. Montage. Rocky fighteth. For America! Montage. Rocky winneth. Hooray! Rocky brings democracy to Russia! Montage. Russian soldier-turned-boxer Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) is brought to the United States by politicians from … Read More
ROCKY III
The Pussy that became a Gangbanger. I pity the fool that takes ROCKY III seriously. ROCKY III is the STAR TREK IV of Rocky Movies. The most glitz and glam-blammo, with a story so basic your dog could have written it; the most color and muscles and shouting – and definitely the most fun! Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) must defend … Read More
ROCKY II
The Stallion that became a Pussy. The giant title floats across screen – ROCKY II –and we are assaulted with the visual of two men beating each other to death. Blood, eyes swollen shut, back-sweat and bruising, bone pounded, ears cauliflowered, cutting an eye open, nose broken – what kind of christian crucifixion torture-porn am I looking at? Oh, it’s … Read More
ROCKY
The Underdog that became a Stallion. That epic fanfare, a giant name floats across screen – ROCKY. Movie opens in elation, as we fly with Bill Conti’s soon-to-be-immortal theme, Gonna Fly Now, and then suddenly comes crashing to Earth– — a small-time boxing match, a pudgy, young and decidedly graceless boxer belts it out with a bigger truck of a … Read More
RACE 2016
The Race-ist. Isn’t there a punchline that goes, “faster than Jesse Owens at a Klan rally”? And there’s BLAZING SADDLES, when African-American Cleavon Little, discovered hiding under a klansman hood declares, “And now for my next impression: Jesse Owens!” – and runs like the devil. Point being: African-American Olympic sprinter Jesse Owens has entered Western vernacular for his race-ISM, and … Read More
RED 2
Better Dead Than RED 2. A bunch of stunts and car chases got together and called itself RED 2. It convinced Bruce Willis and John Malkovich to reprise their roles as Frank Moses and Marvin, ex-CIA Retired-Extremely-Dangerous overactors, “indicating” their way through this spy comedy. Movie also convinced Helen Mirren to reprise her role as the most dangerous wetwork queen … Read More