RAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Tragedy and Triumph on the Cliché Superhighway. A talented superstar like Ray Charles deserves every bit of tribute he receives, so the makers of RAY can be forgiven for their “good intent” (tempered by their desire for profit, of course), but in crafting this ostensible monument to the blind blues-gospel pianist, they step knee deep in every cliché created by … Read More

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RED

Poffy The Cucumber

Red-Blooded American Funtime. A shoot-em-up, rock-em sock-em age-fest. RED is Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren and Morgan Freeman; they’re ex-CIA, Retired Extremely Dangerous. You betcha – each of these operatives could wipe out whole cities: Willis with his arctic cool, Malko with his leering morbidity, Helen Mirren with her sexagenarian sexiness and Morgan Freeman with his pompous voiceover. The … Read More

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REVOLUTIONARY ROAD

Poffy The Cucumber

The Road To Nowhere leads straight through Suburbia… Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them. — Henry David Thoreau. Leo and Kate–together again! For those emotionally trigger-happy TITANIC fans who thought REVOLUTIONARY ROAD would be a reteaming of their favorite star-crossed lovers to recapture lachrymose memories (like the manipulative … Read More

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ROBIN HOOD 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Everything’s Archy. GLADIATOR and BRAVEHEART had a baby and they called it Russell Crowe. This ain’t Errol Flynn, this ain’t Adam Ant, and it’s certainly not Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, riding through the woods… This ain’t your daddy’s ROBIN HOOD; no swinging from vines in the forest, no star-crossed lovers, no archery competition, no “splitting his competitor’s arrow in twain,” … Read More

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RED SUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Stick ’em up – or just stick ’em! The Old West meets the Rigid East on a collision course with wackiness! Is it a Samurai Western or a Western Samurai movie? RED SUN: a unique action-adventure that is all six-shooters and sushi. Across the American western landscape, outlaw gunslinger Link (man’s man Charles Bronson) and samurai Kuroda (Japan’s Man, the … Read More

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THE ROAD

Poffy The Cucumber

A Tale of No Cities. In a post-holocaust world, a father and son fend for survival, staying on the move for food, shelter, and the endless quest for a MAD MAX Trilogy Boxed Set. “In a moment the world changed forever.” More of an exposition than a slogan. It gets us on THE ROAD without having to explain why. We … Read More

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RAMBO III

Poffy The Cucumber

Bigger, Badder, Body Oilier. It’s all about the body oil. RAMBO III continues the RAMBO legacy by effectively blowing things up with wild abandon, while Sylvester Stallone keeps his shirt off. And why shouldn’t he? He’s arguably in the best shape of his life for this third outing as John Rambo, the unstoppable ex-Special Forces killing machine who has never … Read More

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ROLE MODELS

Poffy The Cucumber

Old rockstars never die – they just become movie references. Any movie that is such homage to KISS can’t be all that bad. KISS is, after all, the role model for four generations of rock bands. Beth, Rock and Roll All Night, Love Gun, Detroit Rock City – sung or heard as source music; a KISS pinball machine; Seann William … Read More

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RIVERWORLD 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Cry me a river… Poor Philip José Farmer. Look what they did to his Hugo Award-winning story. To Your Scattered Bodies Go is the first of the Riverworld series of novels and winner of the award, which obviously meant nothing to the morons who crushed Farmer’s ideas under flatfooted filmic heel in RIVERWORLD. Stuart Gillard has the audacity to call … Read More

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RAVENOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Tasty! Guy Pearce is beefcake. No – literally. Pearce is Captain John Boyd, an American soldier in the 1847 Mexican-American war, transferred to a desolate outpost harboring a troop of military misfits, one of whom is discovered to be a cannibal. Jeffrey Jones is Colonel Hart, leader of this band of stir crazy soldiers, which includes Jeremy Davies, David Arquette … Read More

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THE READER

Poffy The Cucumber

Bedtime for Hitler. Post-Nazi West Germany. A young boy vomits on the street in a rainstorm, in Neustadt, 1958. An older woman helps him. What follows? Full frontal sex, sex and much more sex. In between reading, reading and much more reading. Well, the movie is called THE READER, a heavy-handed, manipulative “romance” tale that will tear-jerk those who are inclined … Read More

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REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

Poffy The Cucumber

Heroes for a Loser Class. If you’ve never done hard drugs before, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM will make sure you don’t. If you’ve puked your guts out over your bed, stayed unwashed for a month straight, and sold your mother’s TV for a fix, well, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM is like last Wednesday. To say Darren Aronofsky‘s unflinching mind-bender is … Read More

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REIGN OVER ME

Poffy The Cucumber

When Sandler’s good, he’s very good. (Did I just say that?) The words Adam Sandler and Acting don’t fit together well. In Mike Binder‘s drama REIGN OVER ME, they – ulp! – do. Sandler is Charlie Fineman, an ex-dentist suffering Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after his family died in one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center. He has … Read More

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THE ROCKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Bohemian Crapsody. Ooh, look out, you rock and rollers! Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older. — David Bowie, Changes. Even though THE ROCKER is about a middle-aged rock drummer who sees a second stab at fame with his young nephew’s band, it is mostly for nerds who need to get laid by pretending to be rock stars. Rainn Wilson, … Read More

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ROCK N ROLLA

Poffy The Cucumber

High Voltage Rock n Roll. Another twisty, spanky, kablooey tale from the dirty messiah madman who gave us LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS (1998), Guy Ritchie, about expensive hoods, cheap hoods, indestructible hoods, Russian hoods, and a McGuffin painting that we never see that everyone wants. As with Ritchie’s other slambanging movies, describing the plot is a futile exercise, … Read More

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RUN FATBOY RUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Running Gag. I have a newfound respect for that unfunny dork, David Schwimmer, after RUN FATBOY RUN. Schwimmer directs Simon Pegg as Dennis, a man who ran from his pregnant bride at the altar five years ago and now decides to win her back by beating her current boyfriend at his own game – marathon running. The plot only seems … Read More

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RIGHTEOUS KILL

Poffy The Cucumber

Righteous Swill. Dream cast, nightmare script. What a shameless waste of Acting’s two elder statesmen. RIGHTEOUS KILL re-unites Robert de Niro and Al Pacino as two New York cops on the trail of a killer who is wiping out the city’s vilest criminals. The plot of MAGNUM FORCE resurrected, except in this movie, it’s Dirty Harry without the Dirty. Or … Read More

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RANSOM

Poffy The Cucumber

Blow me the money. Mel Gibson is billionaire airline owner Tom Mullen, whose son gets kidnapped in RANSOM. Rather than play to the kidnappers’ ransom demands, Mullen’s status allows him to go on national TV to offer the 2-million dollars ransom money as reward for any info on his son’s kidnappers – the ransom money becomes bounty money! Serpentine Gary … Read More

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REDACTED

Poffy The Cucumber

Hell on Earth, overlorded by Satan Bush. Iraq calls America The Great Satan. REDACTED shows us why. Written and directed by Brian de Palma, we follow a small cadre of American troops for a few explosive havoc days of rape and murder in Samara, Iraq. Based on a real account of the rape and murder of a 15-year-old Samara girl, … Read More

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THE REAPING

Poffy The Cucumber

Reaping what you sow: Superstitious Stupidity. Hilary Swank seems to have no concept of bad or good movies – either her agent or advisors or herself have no integrity or simply no discernment between choice roles and duds – wild swings from the silly THE NEXT KARATE KID (1994), to the bravura BOYS DON’T CRY (1999), to the execrable ignorance … Read More

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