THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Poffy The Cucumber

Spy Sandwich. James Bond 007 joins forces with his Russian counterpart Agent XXX to stop a megalomaniac sinking civilization beneath the sea. THE SPY WHO LOVED ME is Roger Moore’s 3rd Bond movie (from Ian Fleming’s 10th Bond novel, publ. 1962), and we can see how Moore’s fans might have come to regard him as “better than Connery” with this … Read More

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SPACE FORCE 2020

Poffy The Cucumber

If the comedy isn’t there – Force it. There was no show, there was no idea; it was really based on nothing, except a name that made everybody laugh. — Steve Carell. Who knew that a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic utterance by the 45th president of the United States could be turned into a pointless, ignorant, non-sequitur, idiotic Netflix show? … Read More

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SINISTER 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Less Sinister than before… With no stars to speak of, a vanilla leading man and a leaden story, SINISTER 2, the unfocused sequel to 2012’s SINISTER (starring Ethan Hawke) relies on jumpscares and morbid deaths to register any heartbeat at all. The Deputy from SINISTER (mourning-faced James Ransone) is traveling the United States, burning down the houses where the supernatural … Read More

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SEVEN SAMURAI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Jedi of Japan. Seven samurai against forty bandits. The bandits never stood a chance… Ultimate majesty. Ultimate tragedy. How does one describe the greatest Akira Kurosawa film, one of the most touching, savage and layered stories about sacrifice, courage and redemption, released in 1954 and still standing as one of the greatest films of all time? SEVEN SAMURAI. (Well, … Read More

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STAR WARS: EPISODE IX – THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Damage Control while Digging a Hole. The older we get, the farther away from STAR WARS we feel. Use the Force and go in young. And you’ll be fine. In the dark, a blue title card on black background: “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” Then – fanfare! Stirring our deep innocence memory banks. That John … Read More

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THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME

Poffy The Cucumber

Shark Fin Stupe. THE LAST SHARKNADO: IT’S ABOUT TIME is about the first sharknado, and how Fin the shark hunter travels back to prehistoric times to stop it, thereby negating all further sharknadoes and saving the planet from having to witness the bombastic mindlessness of any SHARKNADO movies. He fails. Because obviously this is the sixth SHARKNADO shit sandwich. And … Read More

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SOUL TO KEEP

Poffy The Cucumber

Possessed by Mediocrity. After inheriting a rambling old country house from their grandpa, Josh (Tony Spitz) and sister Erin (Aurora Heimbach) invite a gaggle of their Millennial friends over for a par-tayyy. Grandpa “died in the lake; his body was never found…” And if you think that will yield further plot, you haven’t seen one of these barely-written modern kid-possession … Read More

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SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE

Poffy The Cucumber

A kinetic new vision for the next generation of man-spider fans. Much like THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE, SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE is simultaneously ensconced in, and standing apart from, the Cinematic Universe its titular character inhabits, roaming freely in any entertaining direction it fancies, combining, referencing and cross-pollinating canon from its 56-year spectrum of spider-comics and spider-movie lore. As if … Read More

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SATANIC

Poffy The Cucumber

Millennial Belial. In this road trip chiller, four annoying Millennials visit satanic sites in LA. They’re so preppie and goth and YOLO that we hope they get killed. And Satan answers our prayers. The premise for SATANIC is not bad: skeptical kids seeking occult excitement because duh find themselves terrorized by unseen forces that drag them one by one into … Read More

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SPRINGSTEEN ON BROADWAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Springsteen does Dean Martin. In SPRINGSTEEN ON BROADWAY, Robert De Niro talks about his music, his life, his family, his—no wait, that’s Bruce Springsteen. That’s Bruce Springsteen? Call up your mental image of The Boss, from whichever period blows your skirt up: the youthful, scraggly-bearded troubadour, the 80’s rocker with the bandanna and sleeveless denim jacket, the elder statesman on … Read More

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A STAR IS BORN 1976

Poffy The Cucumber

A Nose for Stardom. An alcoholic rock star sees a nose singing in a small club. It’s attached to Barbra (Ms. Streisand if you’re nasty). He falls in love with the nose, brings it into his rock world and sees it rise to fame, whilst his own star is falling. Another generation, another A STAR IS BORN… It’s 22 years … Read More

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A STAR IS BORN 1954

Poffy The Cucumber

Falling Star, Rising. A generation passes.  A STAR IS BORN rises. 18 years after the original 1937 movie (with Janet Gaynor and Fredric March), which followed an ambitious young girl being molded into a movie star, writer Moss Hart and director George Cukor remake A STAR IS BORN as a Musical, where the young girl is now a singer who … Read More

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A STAR IS BORN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Acceptable Weinstein. A determined young woman moves to Hollywood to become a star, and – after she hooks up with a famous actor – does. Proving that it’s all about Who You Bang. A STAR IS BORN is one of those films that seems deeper than it is. The basic plot is as stated above – a starstruck girl … Read More

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A STAR IS BORN 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

It’s all about Who You Nose. We may not be known as The Greatest Generation, but this fourth filmic iteration of A STAR IS BORN, for our generation, is surely the greatest. 42 years after the 1976 version, Bradley Cooper co-writes the movie, directs, stars, plays guitar, plays piano, sings, co-writes the songs, and co-produces… A STAR IS BORN all … Read More

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SAILOR BEWARE

Poffy The Cucumber

Kissed Off. Probably the stoopidest Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis musical-comedy, SAILOR BEWARE is about two pals enlisting in the Navy and getting involved in a kissing contest that somehow gives one of them the reputation of a Lothario – even though he is allergic to kissing women. Then it ends before it gets mistaken for a movie. After an … Read More

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SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Oh Han, where did you Kessel Run to? What we do in life – echoes in eternity. — Russell Crowe as Maximus, GLADIATOR Just how did Han Solo come by his beloved Millennium Falcon? (He told us in Episode IV he won it gambling.) And how did he get his trusty blaster? (Uh, I guess he either bought it, stole … Read More

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STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT: AN EVENING YOU WILL FORGET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

Poffy The Cucumber

Old Hands at Comedy, or just Old Comedy? The aptly-named STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT: AN EVENING YOU WILL FORGET FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE is a cavalcade of roasting comedy, political puppetry, jazz anecdotes and bluegrass banjo that you truly will not remember. Comedy legend Steve Martin and comedy somewhat-well-known Martin Short team up for a two-man show, … Read More

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SHARKNADO 5: GLOBAL SWARMING

Poffy The Cucumber

Shit-nado. SHARKNADO rained sharks on Los Angeles; SHARKNADO 2 rained sharks on New York; SHARKNADO 3 swamped the White House reign; SHARKNADO 4 made it rain in Las Vegas… and SHARKNADO 5 shits all over the world. Literally and figuratively. SHARKNADO 5 finds shark-slayer Fin (Ian Ziering) and his cyborg wife April (Tara Reid), chasing down a sharknado that has … Read More

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ATOM MAN VS. SUPERMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Fruiterman! Superman must defeat his greatest arch-enemy, Luthor, and constantly save the only two people in the world, Lois and Jimmy. ATOM MAN VS. SUPERMAN is a 15-part Columbia serial, directed by Spencer Bennet (who also directed the precursor serial, SUPERMAN, in 1948, and also helmed Columbia’s other superhero property, BATMAN AND ROBIN, in 1949). As with all the Columbia … Read More

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THE SHAPE OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires. Like the aqua spawn of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and Abe Sapien from HELLBOY, our collective consciousness accepts the “Gill Man” as a species; a familiar alien entity in our science fiction. Yet in Guillermo del Toro’s unique THE SHAPE OF WATER, the Gill Man has transcended the species demarcation and … Read More

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