Rocky and Terminator: Retirement Plan. A man who analyzes prison weaknesses by escaping from them is imprisoned in one of his own creations by people who want him disappeared. Now he’s gotta do it for reals! Former rivals, now old pals, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up in ESCAPE PLAN, a brawling actioner that never strays too far from … Read More
AFTERMATH 2017
Misery as Entertainment. When you think about it, practically all movies are “misery as entertainment,” but most have some form of redemption, deliverance, or happy ending to look forward to. AFTERMATH is one of the bleakest slices of life you will ever see: the story of an architect who loses his family in a mid-air collision, due to a distracted … Read More
HERCULES IN NEW YORK
Fish Out Of Austria. Demi-god Hercules visits New York for a lark. And it’s extremely funny. If you’re seven. Before the world discovered his Herculean physique in the muscle-doc PUMPING IRON (1977), and long before his breakout role as an “actor” in CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), Austrian-born bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow convinced American agents, managers, casting agencies and filmmakers to … Read More
CONAN THE DESTROYER
Adventure on Steroids (i.e. too musclebound to move). CONAN THE DESTROYER slowly follows Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, still learning how to speak with his mouth), empowered by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas) to accompany a virgin princess (Olivia d’Abo, too spinner-sexy for words, which is probably why Arnold can’t speak) and her bodyguard (Wilt Chamberlain, still learning how to act) … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES 3
The Dependable Cliché-ables. Sylvester Stallone buys a book from amazon.com called 1001 Dependable Movie Clichés (and How To Utilize Them All In One Movie). Then he writes THE EXPENDABLES 3. DEPENDABLE CLICHÉ: Break an old team member out of jail. Barney Ross (Stallone), leader of the ragtag mercenary guerilla group The Expendables (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture and Terry … Read More
SABOTAGE
Tools Carrying Tools. Arnold Schwarzenegger is Breacher, head of a rogue DEA unit (Drug Enforcement Administration) that steals $10mil from a drug cartel, which is immediately stolen from them by unknown thieves. Whoops! SABOTAGE! Then one by one, his team starts getting murdered mysteriously. This would be a concern for us viewers – if it weren’t for Breacher’s team being … Read More
THE LAST STAND
Arnold’s Back! And he’s… uh, just a guy. He conquered Thulsa Doom, hunted down a Predator and terminated Terminators. Now, Arnold Schwarzenegger faces his greatest foe – a Spanish guy in a sports car. In THE LAST STAND, Arnold is affable Sheriff Bloaty who runs the bucolic town Last Stop Before Freedom with a neighborly pat on the behind. It’s … Read More
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES
Machinery Obscenery. James Cameron had nothing to do with this film. The End. TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES stars Ah-nuld in his third appearance as the Terminator, his first role since his heart attack and last role before Governor of California. It also stars some hot chick as Robert Patrick trying to kill some guy who’s meant to be … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES 2
This time it’s Poisonal! THE EXPENDABLES 2 finds the sinister Church (Bruce Willis) sending his obviously irreplaceable team The Expendables (led by Sylvester Stallone) on a mission into some war-torn country with rebels or something, to get something-something from a crashed plane for the purpose of something-something. It doesn’t matter. The Expendables complete this mission within ten minutes. Now they … Read More
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
Jangles the nerves. The single funniest thing about the bland and pointless “family holiday comedy” JINGLE ALL THE WAY has nothing to do with the supposed comedy it is trying to purvey – it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian. I laff my ass off at that guy, but then, I laffed my ass off … Read More
CONAN THE BARBARIAN
Save a Barbaric Yawp for me. CONAN THE BARBARIAN opens with a Nietzsche title card: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Oh, so it’s a focus on the philosophical struggle of mankind. Well, actually it’s more a focus on the “kill” and “stronger” bits. For an action-adventure fantasy epic, CONAN THE BARBARIAN sure is painfully slow, padded … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES
The Man Show. Ladies, don’t go near this movie if you don’t want to get pregnant. Sylvester Stallone and his man-team infiltrate a junta compound to rescue a chick. Explosions. Gunfire. Wrestling matches. Man-banter. Big explosions. Then some bigger explosions. Then an explosion so big it will rattle the testosterone right out of your ballsac and into the nearest female’s … Read More
CAPITALISM: A LOVE STORY
Too Big To Nail. Corruption is our protection. Corruption keeps us safe and warm. Corruption is why you and I are prancing around in here instead of fighting over scraps of meat out in the streets. Corruption is why we win. — Bob Baer’s SYRIANA (2005). It’s not just about Too Big To Fail – it’s about betting on failing. … Read More
TRUE LIES
Brawny Bond. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s back – in yet another extremely silly, extremely enjoyable comedy-actioner, TRUE LIES, as superspy Harry Tasker, who leads the double life of a Bond-ish field agent and a suburban family man, his wife, Helen (Jamie Lee Curtis), and daughter (Eliza Dushku) oblivious to his “real” job, thinking he is a boring computer consultant. James Cameron writes … Read More
THE TERMINATOR
Rise of the Machine (i.e. Arnold). Arnold Schwarzenegger as a killing machine with no emotions, big guns belching, outlandish feats of body strength, delivering his lines in a sinister, robotic monotone – hang on, that could be any of his movies.But this movie made him what he is today. What, the Governor of California?… When THE TERMINATOR was released in … Read More
END OF DAYS
End of Intelligence. Arnold fans will holler in joy, fans of brainless action will holler in astonishment, and Catholics will just holler. Illogically written by Andrew W. Marlowe and ham-handedly directed by Peter Hyams, END OF DAYS gets The Terminator out of his open-backed hospital gown (Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s return to the big screen after his heart operation), whilst blowing things … Read More
BATMAN AND ROBIN
The Battiest of them all. Why does George Clooney waggle his head like that when he talks?… And how did he infiltrate Wayne Manor’s impenetrable security system – Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) – to become the next Batman? I suppose Alfred – in seeing no less than three Batmen pass through his hallowed halls (Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney), simply puts it … Read More