THE CONSPIRATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

The SYSTEM is the conspiracy! We’re gonna put the SYSTEM on trial! — Jim Carrey, THE CABLE GUY. If you were wondering why director Robert Redford would re-litigate Abraham Lincoln’s assassination on film (how many times can they sink the Titanic, right?), then defer to Redford’s rationale: “It’s a story that no one knows about, connected to a story that … Read More

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TORA! TORA! TORA!

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Rising Sun over Despising Sam. Next to Viet Nam, Pearl Harbor must be one of the most shameful failures in American military history. We can understand why the American meme has been twisted into “surprise attack by the Japanese”; otherwise, how was the vaunted United States war machine caught with its pants so low around its ankles? TORA! TORA! TORA! … Read More

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THE DEVIL’S DOUBLE

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Bismillah! Noooo! We will not let you go! THE DEVIL’S DOUBLE flies high on the performance of one man. Playing two men. Dominic Cooper. In a star-making turn, Cooper plays Saddam Hussein’s son, Uday, and the body-double that Uday blackmails into his service, Latif Yahia. And they both look like Freddie Mercury! Every politician needs a body double, for those pesky … Read More

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FAIR GAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Weasels of Mass Distraction. Dirt piggy Karl Rove made a statement in 2003, which reporter Chris Matthews relayed to Joe Wilson: “Wilson’s wife is fair game.” FAIR GAME is the movie that tells the low down dirty story that resulted from Dirt Piggy’s threat. Sean Penn plays U.S. Ambassador Joe Wilson and Naomi Watts plays his undercover CIA wife Valerie … Read More

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MIDWAY

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Midway between “average” and “annoying crap.” MIDWAY opens with a title card: “This is the way it was. The story of the battle that was the turning point of the war in the Pacific. Told wherever possible with actual film shot in combat. It exemplifies the combination of planning, courage, error and pure chance by which great events are often … Read More

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THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Film That Stares Into Space. Your tax dollars at work. A few years ago, I read about the U.S. military exploring “paranormal combat techniques” in George W. Bush’s Fake War On Terror: using goats as test subjects, the Amerikan Military were trying to train soldiers to kill terrorists by staring at them to psychically stop their hearts. No, it’s … Read More

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CRY FREEDOM

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Slaving for Freedom. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. –Obi-Wan to Darth Vader in STAR WARS. Another man of peace killed by men of ignorance. CRY FREEDOM stars Denzel Washington as Steve Biko, the black South African anti-apartheid insurrectionist of the 1960s and 70s (a contemporary of Mandela’s, imprisoned on Robben … Read More

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BRAVEHEART

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Mel gets medieval on our asses… When the Legend becomes fact, print the Legend. — from THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE. War is Mel. Reprising his MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME hairdo, donning a slimming skort, pumping up the man-ceps and dropping an accent that is either Scottish or some form of Indonesian elvish, Mel Gibson brings the thunder as … Read More

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THE SOCIAL NETWORK

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Revenge of the Nerd. THE SOCIAL NETWORK officially makes Jesse Eisenberg the male version of Michael Cera. Eisenberg is boy-genius Mark Zuckerberg, creator of the most insidious computer virus since electricity was invented – Facebook. Let’s face it: the internet – for all its proven utility as an advertising forum, a business device and knowledge repository – is just a … Read More

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A CIVIL ACTION

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Justice IS blind – so can’t see Truth. In movies, the good guys always seem to win court cases. Over an ingratiating orchestra swell, no less. But in reality, good or bad has nothing to do with the outcome of court cases. It’s how you play the game. If you can afford to be in the game in the first … Read More

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THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

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Blair and Bubba: A Love Story. All political friendship is strategic and conditional. — Tony Blair advisor. A touching bromance between two heads of state. The Special Relationship refers to that unspoken sexual tension between America and any other country that needs to suckle at her black milk teat so she won’t crush them like Hulk crushes puny humans. THE … Read More

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THIRTEEN DAYS

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Immovable Force meets Unstoppable Accent. For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal. — John F. Kennedy, address to the nation, June 1963 after the Cuban Missile Crisis. The people were real, the crisis … Read More

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THE INFORMANT

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A little less corn, a little more syrup. From its ugly orange posters to its silly, misleading theatrical trailers, everything about THE INFORMANT is an exercise in bad marketing. Supposedly based on a true story, Matt Damon is Mark Whitacre, a VP at the agricultural corporation Archer Daniels Midland in Decatur, IL, who agrees to turn informant for the FBI … Read More

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THE QUEEN

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SexyRegal is the new Streep. Regal AND sexy. Only Helen Mirren could pull that off… Mirren is THE QUEEN. Inhabiting the role of Elizabeth II like she was born into the English monarchy, giving the old biddy some reg’lr ole toughness, independence and spunk, at one point reminding her aides that she was a mechanic during The War. THE QUEEN … Read More

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SOMETHING THE LORD MADE

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I Heart Heart Surgery. Apparently Mos Def is a rapper. But alongside veteran actor Alan Rickman, we’d be hard-pressed not to regard him as Rickman’s thesp equal. A True Story worthy of movie status. Not another Viet Nam bore-fest or boxer’s tragic rhapsody or musician’s clichéd biopic, SOMETHING THE LORD MADE addresses an aspect so embedded in our modern culture … Read More

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ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Fall of the Imperial Presidency. Watergate. Conspiracy. Burglary. Perjury. Courtesy of the 37th President of the United States. Over the years, I’ve called Richard Milhous Nixon a “hellspawn from Satan’s own vagina”… and I see no reason to stop. ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN is a powerful recount of specifically one event in Satan’s Vagina’s presidency that would define not just … Read More

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CHARIOTS OF FIRE

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The Race Between Religion and Spirit. Ah yes, running in slow motion. We’ve all done it. To Vangelis’s music from CHARIOTS OF FIRE. British production, written by Colin Welland, directed by Hugh Hudson, nominated for 7 Academy Awards, winning 4 (including Best Picture), CHARIOTS OF FIRE is based loosely on two real life British runners in the 1924 Paris Olympics, … Read More

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AMISTAD

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Re-educating the slaves of perception. AMISTAD, one of the modern hammers to beat Whitey upside the head for his past, present and future racism. No metaphors, no allegories, no analogies – this is straight up, in-ya-face, naked mea culpa racism for all the world to be ashamed of. Director Steven Spielberg‘s powerful, insightful AMISTAD suffers from the usual problem associated with … Read More

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DEFIANCE

Poffy The Cucumber

In defiance of stereotypes. In the movie KNOCKED UP, five Jewish friends trying to score in a night club talk about the credibility of Jews being raised by one man: “If any of us is gonna score tonight, it’s because of Eric Bana in MUNICH.” Soon they’ll be talking the same way about Daniel Craig in DEFIANCE… 1941: during World … Read More

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PEARL HARBOR

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Pearl Before Swine. In garish detail and stunning investigative probing, PEARL HARBOR digs deep below the surface of the gasoline embargoes and jingoistic fomenting and reveals exactly what this WWII conflict was all about – the love triangle between three young American Models. You see, Ben loves Kate. And Kate loves Ben. But Ben’s best friend, Josh, also likes Kate. … Read More

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