JURASSIC WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Indominus Wrecks. Raptor wrangler Owen says it perfectly, when Jurassic World supervisor Claire tells him they’ve created a new dinosaur artificially, “Corporate felt genetic modification would up the wow factor.” Owen replies, “They’re dinosaurs – wow enough.” In trying to flex their rex, JURASSIC WORLD jumps the shark. Owen’s summation is the perfect metaphor for this movie. The original Crichton-penned/Spielberg-directed … Read More

GAMERA VS. VIRAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Octopustulent. In a cold open, a bumblebee spaceship with English-speaking aliens attack Earth because it’s the planet most like theirs in the universe. Actual logic in a GAMERA movie! Then Gamera the giant flying turtle attacks the spaceship because – whatever. An unseen commander onboard the ship, who might just be Richard Burton, elocutes orders to his unseen crew, and … Read More

GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION

Poffy The Cucumber

Badass Turtle does good. A synopsis for GAMERA 2: ATTACK OF THE LEGION reads: “A strange meteor lands in Japan unleashing hundreds of insect-like “legion” creatures which find their way into Tokyo. When the military fails to control the situation, Gamera shows up…” (Alex Smits, imdb). Wait, the “military fails to control the situation”? Let me ask: Have the military … Read More

GAMERA VS. GAOS

Poffy The Cucumber

Pointy Birds. Pointy birds, so pointy pointy. Anoint my head. Anointy ‘nointy. — Steve Martin, THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS. Godzilla had Rodan, a giant marauding bird, so Gamera went one better and hatched Gaos – not just a giant bird, a giant pointy bird – from a volcano! With a head ornament styled after a shuriken star, and laser … Read More

GAMERA VS. BARUGON

Poffy The Cucumber

Finian’s Barugon. As with all movies that kill off their prime properties in the first installment, this sequel to GAMERA (1965) must retro-activate a trashy pulp retrieve of its dead star attraction. So (in the American version at least) there is the sweaty-mouthed, talk-fast-so-no-one-will-notice introduction narration: Gamera, the destructive prehistoric turtle hatched from slumber by an atomic bomb, was cocooned … Read More

GAMERA VS. ZIGRA

Poffy The Cucumber

Space Fish Out Of Water. Futuristic fish-creature against prehistoric turtle-creature in a battle to the almost-makes-sense. GAMERA VS. ZIGRA is the 7th Gamera film, and effectively the last in the “Showa” series made by production company Daiei – and the exhaustion shows. (There would be one more contracted Gamera film in 1980, GAMERA: SUPER MONSTER, a stock footage compilation like … Read More

KING DINOSAUR

Poffy The Cucumber

King Dinosaur Dropping. Four gifted scientists travel to the planet Nova in a technologically advanced spaceship and discover a prehistoric world, coming face to face with a Tyrannosaurus rex… Nah, actually four ignorant doofuses, the Teen Models of their day, travel to an imaginary planet that the excitable narrator makes up on the spot, in a child’s idea of a … Read More

REVENGE OF THE CREATURE

Poffy The Cucumber

Bad Moviemakers Strike Again. There’s not much “revenge” in REVENGE OF THE CREATURE, except maybe the filmmakers’ revenge on clear-thinking movie viewers. Scientists led by John Agar capture the CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and bring him to civilization to “train” him. And kill him. Called the “Gill Man” by the tourists and sightseers that call themselves “scientists,” the creature … Read More

GAMERA

Poffy The Cucumber

Stone-Age Mutant Ninja Turtle. GOJIRA was a smash hit for Japan’s Toho Studios in 1954, so competing Daiei Studios pondered on how they could also create a property as towering and nightmarish as the fire-breathing irradiated lizard; a gigantic, destructive, plodding behemoth that would strike terror into the heart of Mankind as fearfully as Godzilla, King of the Monsters! And … Read More

RODAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla with wings. Prehistoric Pteranodon destroys Japanese city. Military weapons have no effect on it. Burying it under a volcano works though. Such is the prosaic plot behind RODAN, a Japanese monster movie made while Godzilla wasn’t looking. The movie itself has its strong points, due to the talent involved – literally, the full team that brought us the original … Read More

GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Tampering in Godz domain… Giant monster terrorizes Tokyo. From the depths of hell it came, roaring, spitting fire, destroying civilization; black of heart and devoid of empathy. And it probably had a really small brain too. It was called – The United States of America… People think they know Godzilla. Even you think you know Godzilla. No, you don’t. That … Read More

CLASH OF THE TITANS

Poffy The Cucumber

Titan-ic Kraka-lacken. Greek mythology explodes in Harryhausen splendor! CLASH OF THE TITANS is written by Beverly Cross, directed by Desmond Davis, and stars Laurence Olivier as Zeus the king of the gods, but the man whose footprint makes this adventure fantasy memorable is the king of Dynamation – Ray Harryhausen! Blank-faced Harry Hamlin stars as Perseus, son of Zeus, half … Read More

KONGA

Poffy The Cucumber

You konga be kidding me! It’s the British King Kong! Wait, you’re gonna name your movie KONGA – about a chimp that grows giant – and you don’t want to be compared to KING KONG? Okay, but what do we compare it to then? How about ass cancer? Super Brit Michael Gough is Dr. Decker, who comes back to England … Read More

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Final Bores. GODZILLA: FINAL WARS – the movie where every single Godzilla enemy turns up to try out their new rubber suit design, and where each line of dialogue makes no sense in the context of the line just before it. It’s Godzilla’s 50th anniversary, his 29th film, and the 6th and final film in the Millennium series… and aliens … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

The Shark Jumpty Dance. GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO is a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits. It’s because even within the world of the movie – Nothing. Makes. Sense. This movie – like so many other “Godzilla movies” of … Read More

SON OF GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Baby moviemaking spawns baby monster. After taking forever to get to any kind of point, SON OF GODZILLA eventually settles into insulting our intelligence with a mindlessly boring story of a “baby Godzilla” hatching, and its mother?/father? Godzilla protecting it from predators and teaching it The Way Of The Rubber Suit. Shin’ichi Sekizawa proves his utter incompetence as a writer, … Read More

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Raiding Places. The Sequel Too Scared To Be Called A Sequel. It’s a pity that the most promulgated and available versions of these old movies are those versions doctored by racist pigs and venal corporations. This version of GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN, the sequel to 1954’s GODZILLA, is the United States edit that was renamed GIGANTIS: THE FIRE MONSTER, with the … Read More

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Trying to fix something that ain’t broke – and breaking it. No, it’s NOT just the same movie re-edited. I speak for all cucumber reviewers when I contend – nay, insist – that the 1956 American re-edit of GODZILLA (1954), re-titled GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS, cannot, must not and should NEVER be reviewed with the original, even as a … Read More

GODZILLA 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Rebooting the unbootable. Lotta talk on GODZILLA 2000 being Toho Company’s rejoinder to Tri-Star Pictures’ GODZILLA 1998 (directed by Roland Emmerich), the red-headed step-child of Godzilla canon. If you’re talking storyline, then they’re about the same dumbness, with 2000 cheating a little by borrowing many story elements from the original 1954 GODZILLA. If you’re talking acting, they’re still about the … Read More

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Mega Godzilla! TITLE CARD Tateyama, Chiba Prefecture. A TV reporter being battered by driving rain, describing the tempest. Behind him, the sea roils. As he says, “It’s huge and getting bigger by the minute!” his crew stare gape-mouthed at what’s behind him, rising from the deep: a gigantic creature, spiked back, blackened skin, dinosaurian in aspect. CUT TO A shopkeeper … Read More