THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Poffy The Cucumber

Spy Sandwich. James Bond 007 joins forces with his Russian counterpart Agent XXX to stop a megalomaniac sinking civilization beneath the sea. THE SPY WHO LOVED ME is Roger Moore’s 3rd Bond movie (from Ian Fleming’s 10th Bond novel, publ. 1962), and we can see how Moore’s fans might have come to regard him as “better than Connery” with this … Read More

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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Moore suave, Moore sexual, Moore savage! Roger Moore slams into his second thrilling James Bond 007 actioner, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (from the 12th Bond novel by Ian Fleming, publ. 1965), targeted by the world’s most expensive hitman, who is plotting to hold the world hostage to the golden sun. Cold open on the million-dollar hitman, Scaramanga. (Christopher … Read More

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DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

Poffy The Cucumber

Stupid is as James Bond does. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER is one of those movies where you can’t get over the stupid! This film makes us wonder whether author Ian Fleming ever plotted his novels so badly. We place half the blame on director Guy Hamilton, who brought us the turgid stupid of GOLDFINGER, and half the blame on screenwriter Richard … Read More

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ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

Poffy The Cucumber

This never happened to the other fella… Bond versus Blofeld, who threatens to wipe out life on Earth – with a virus! (That word, that concept, has taken on different worlds of meaning in 2020!) In the cold open, the gun barrel graphic moves across screen, and a new Agent 007 bends to one knee to shoot at us! new … Read More

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YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

Poffy The Cucumber

…but you get endless chances to escape… James Bond in Japan! Pretending to be Japanese! It’s as horrifyingly racist as you think. And then some. When Jerry Lewis imitated an Asian, he used to squint his eyes, put in buck teeth and bow a lot. It was a broad hilarious caricature – but it was racist as hell, though probably … Read More

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THUNDERBALL

Poffy The Cucumber

Thunder-belles and Shirtless Sean! I lost track of how many women James Bond bangs in this movie. Is that why they call it THUNDERBALL? Truly, THUNDERBALL features the best-looking collective female cast of any Bond adventure! And there is not one standout beauty – they’re all stunners! The Blond Nurse, The Sisterly Agent, The Villain’s Naif, and The Redhead Slut. … Read More

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GOLDFINGER

Poffy The Cucumber

BUTTERFINGER, or, The Case For Firing 007. There are two mentions of “008” in GOLDFINGER. Are we being reminded of James Bond 007 being dispensable? Or is it because in this third outing (from the 7th Bond novel by Ian Fleming), Bond keeps proving how terrible he is at his job? Consider, from this film: how easy it is to … Read More

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LIVE AND LET DIE

Poffy The Cucumber

That voodoo that Bond do so well. What does it matter to ya? When you got a job to do, you gotta do it well. You got to give the other fella hell! — “Live And Let Die” – Wings James Bond 007 takes on a heroin kingpin and his voodoo priestess, infuriating the kingpin when he grabs the priestess … Read More

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FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Poffy The Cucumber

From Russia With Leering. James Bond 007 returns in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (from Ian Fleming’s 5th Bond novel, publ. 1956), the first sequel to the first ever James Bond movie, DR. NO. And it is… uh… I don’t know how to break it to you Bond fans, but try to sit through this movie in 2016 and let me … Read More

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DR. NO

Poffy The Cucumber

Vote No on NO. It will always be a problem introducing the world to a new Bond. When Sean Connery was hired, it was a disaster because it wasn’t David Niven. – Barbara Broccoli. DR. NO takes a long time to get going. And by ‘get going’ I mean Ursula Andress in her granny-panty bikini. Back when chicks were called … Read More

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MOONRAKER

Poffy The Cucumber

Moonraper. 007. In space! It’s not as epic, or even as amusing, as it sounds. Matter of fact, MOONRAKER, once the highest-grossing of the Bond franchise, is probably the worst James Bond movie ever. This whole enterprise reminds me of KISS. When disco was stomping the charts in the late ’70s, KISS – ever the commercialists – jumped the night … Read More

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