Leveling Off instead of Gonna Fly Now, OR, The Nanny that became a Fifth Wheel. “You can’t win, kid!” “I’m gunna win!” He doesn’t win. “You fought for the wrong reason!” Training montage. Kid wins. For the right reason. Uh, to get a concussion? The mixed messages come like a roundhouse to the chin in CREED II, the bastard child … Read More
ROCKY V
The Patriot that became a Senior Citizen. ROCKY V is the ALIEN 3 of Rocky Movies. Back to basics. It’s about Heart. And it’s about Family. Rocky’s enduring heart. And his struggles to understand his family outside the boxing arena. Facing potential brain damage from his last fight with Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren), Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) begrudgingly retires. Piling … Read More
ROCKY IV
The Gangbanger that became a Patriot. ROCKY IV is a montage of montages. And some boxing. Drago cometh. Montage. Drago breaketh Apollo. Montage. Rocky cryeth. Montage. Rocky traineth in snow. Montage. Rocky fighteth. For America! Montage. Rocky winneth. Hooray! Rocky brings democracy to Russia! Montage. Russian soldier-turned-boxer Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) is brought to the United States by politicians from … Read More
ROCKY III
The Pussy that became a Gangbanger. I pity the fool that takes ROCKY III seriously. ROCKY III is the STAR TREK IV of Rocky Movies. The most glitz and glam-blammo, with a story so basic your dog could have written it; the most color and muscles and shouting – and definitely the most fun! Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) must defend … Read More
ROCKY II
The Stallion that became a Pussy. The giant title floats across screen – ROCKY II –and we are assaulted with the visual of two men beating each other to death. Blood, eyes swollen shut, back-sweat and bruising, bone pounded, ears cauliflowered, cutting an eye open, nose broken – what kind of christian crucifixion torture-porn am I looking at? Oh, it’s … Read More
ROCKY
The Underdog that became a Stallion. That epic fanfare, a giant name floats across screen – ROCKY. Movie opens in elation, as we fly with Bill Conti’s soon-to-be-immortal theme, Gonna Fly Now, and then suddenly comes crashing to Earth– — a small-time boxing match, a pudgy, young and decidedly graceless boxer belts it out with a bigger truck of a … Read More
GRUDGE MATCH
Raging Rocky. It’s Rocky versus Raging Bull in a battle to the retirement community. It’s old versus older in a rampage to the replaced hip… Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro square off as old – and I do mean old – boxing rivals who ended their careers unbeaten, except by each other – once each! Now, thirty years later, … Read More
CREED
Apollo’s CREED, OR, The Child Beater that became a Nanny. When Apollo Creed’s son, Adonis, seeks out Rocky Balboa to train him in CREED, there’s only one thing Rocky can do – become Mickey. Sylvester Stallone takes on the role that made Burgess Meredith famous – cantankerous old fart who trains a contender. It’s a strange animal, this CREED, about … Read More
SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME
The Passion of the Goombah. If you can get past Paul Newman‘s insufferable “schoolyard Italian” SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES ME is… well, it’s still pretty mediocre. It’s a tribute to boxing legend Rocky Graziano, his street youth, his thug life, his Army AWOL, his boxing career under the name “Graziano” (real name Thomas Rocco Barbella), his insipid love life with … Read More
REAL STEEL
Steel with Real Feel. I can’t tell if this is massively retarded, or ultra cool. wtf. –YouTube comment. I’m going to officially declare this movie hella enjoyable. It may not be the Oscar-muncher of the year, but it’s definitely the most fun. And is it coincidence or mild irony that Wolverine is the star of a movie called REAL STEEL? … Read More
THE FIGHTER
Trailer Trash Writ Glorious. In the first three minutes of THE FIGHTER, we realize that Christian Bale should not have won that Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor in this film. He should have won for Best ACTOR. Yes, we know the technical definitions of “main,” “major,” and “supporting” characters – but really! Bale’s Herculean immersion into his wild-eyed character … Read More
MILLION DOLLAR BABY
Punch drunk love. Clint Eastwood‘s magnificent tone-poem of determination, redemption, salvation, loyalty, guilt… oh, and there’s some boxing and stuff… MILLION DOLLAR BABY is as much a “boxing movie” as UNFORGIVEN is a “cowboy movie.” That is to say, not at all. (Simpletons: “Say wha–?”) Sure, Clint plays a boxing trainer, Frankie Dunn, in a boxing gym, surrounded by boxers … Read More
ROCKY BALBOA
Rocky LX: Grandpa’s Revenge, OR, The Senior Citizen that became a Child Beater. Something old (Stallone), something new (this film), something borrowed (the script from ROCKY), something blue (Talia Shire, excised from this story for dramatic impact and watching from the ropes as ROCKY BALBOA garners accolades as the best Rocky movie since ROCKY). Whilst working in one mediocre/forgotten/unseen film … Read More