BAD TEACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

BAD TEACHER not good. It’s commendable that Cameron Diaz would go to such great lengths to portray someone so despicable and “ugly,” but BAD TEACHER doesn’t do her any justice, being even more despicable and ugly. Foul-mouthed gold-digger Elizabeth (Diaz) takes a teaching job for a year while she cultivates her sugar daddy into marriage. When he dumps her before … Read More

KNIGHT AND DAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Mission: Implausible. A movie built around its stunts. Ergo, if the audience was purely stuntpeople, KNIGHT AND DAY is awesome! But we’re just regular little cucumbers out here in the fluttering dark. As much as it thrills me to see a car flip over and miss Tom Cruise’s head by inches (even though thrills would have magnified had it connected), … Read More

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dude, Where’s My Car(eer)? In DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?, Ashton Kutcher wakes after a drunken party, doesn’t remember what he did, and spends the movie trying to rectify the previous night’s mistakes. In WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, Ashton Kutcher wakes after a drunken party, doesn’t remember what he did, and tries to rectify the previous night’s mistakes. It’s nice to … Read More

THE BOX

Poffy The Cucumber

Filmmaking Outside The Box. DONNIE DARKO meets INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. I put this movie into the DVD player without prior knowledge of its makers or pedigree. As I watched, I couldn’t help thinking of the two above references, with a heavy sprinkling of TWILIGHT ZONE. Lo and behold, it’s the writer-director of DARKO at the helm, Richard Kelly. … Read More

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Importance of Being Malkovich. It’s about a puppeteer who finds a portal into the head of a real-life actor… No, it’s about an over-sexed, 105-year-old pirate who runs a company on the 7 ½ floor of a building who has found a way to live forever… No, it’s about a woman who realizes she is transsexual after having sex … Read More

CHARLIE’S ANGELS FULL THROTTLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Too much style IS a bad thing. Despite the consensus that Cameron Diaz wantonly proffering her backside like a baboon in estrus makes for good cinema, my existence would be incalculably enhanced if I never witness this repulsive rectal display cloaked in ostensible good-natured humor ever again in my short span on this earth. CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE is so … Read More

GANGS OF NEW YORK

Poffy The Cucumber

An Army Of One – Daniel Day-Lewis. There are three reasons to watch Martin Scorsese’s superlative GANGS OF NEW YORK: Daniel. Day. Lewis. Marlon Brando as Don Vito Corleone, Al Pacino as Tony Montana, Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious, Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday and (to wax more modern) Hugh Jackman as Wolverine: iconic performances, one and all. Daniel Day-Lewis … Read More