THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

Poffy The Cucumber

Signage Pwnage. After a murder investigation goes cold, the mother of the murdered girl purchases advertising on THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI to turn up the heat on the local sheriff, by reminding the town of his neglect: RAPED WHILE DYING AND STILL NO ARRESTS? HOW COME, CHIEF WILLOUGHBY? It’s not a murder mystery, it’s not a cop drama, it’s … Read More

TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Faking Porn, Fart 2. Somewhere along the way, the tween girlie movie series TWILIGHT transmorphed into the painfully overwrought “THE TWILIGHT SAGA,” like there was something extremely important happening between all these vampire models standing around doing nothing and all these werewolf models standing around doing nothing with their shirts off. So we arrive at the conclusion of author Stephanie … Read More

TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART 1

Poffy The Cucumber

Breaking Wind, Fart 1. The two-part laborious conclusion to the most trivial love story ever told, TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 1, opens with a wedding sequence, exactly like the one in THE GODFATHER, with two small differences: it’s not about New York Crime Families, and it’s not good. Edward the Vampire (Hayden Christensen doppelganger Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan the … Read More

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Book of Duderonemy. All The Dude ever wanted was his rug back. –The Dude, THE BIG LEBOWSKI. Thus it begins. Two low-rent thugs mistakenly terrorize shiftless stoner Jeff Lebowski (aka The Dude) instead of the rich mark they were meant to threaten, also named Lebowski. They pee on The Dude’s rug for good measure, precipitating the rug’s demise. That … Read More

TRUE GRIT 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

From Duke to Dude. They went and done it! Remade TRUE GRIT (1969). I can understand how John Wayne purists would blanch at any actor attempting his legendary dirt-talkin’, eye-patched, whiskey-guzzlin’, six-shootin’ role as Marshal Reuben J. “Rooster” Cogburn. It’s like remaking DIRTY HARRY without Clint Eastwood. But they went and done it anyways! And like one of those rare … Read More

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

When Aunties Collide. Aren’t all lesbians secretly pining for a good hard one? THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT is a new species of homo erectus. It’s a gay-themed movie that doesn’t crow gayness all over its leather chaps; it can afford to be non-offensively mainstream like few other gay-themed movies because its homosexual couple is female – but in going mainstream, … Read More

THE LADYKILLERS 2004

Poffy The Cucumber

Killer me saucy. A farcical heist movie, with quirky characters, sharp, dark storyline and dialogue so delicious you can feed your cat with it. It’s not describing a suave Bond-type; the title of this movie is literal – but easier said than done. THE LADYKILLERS follows confidence man Professor G.H. Dorr (Tom Hanks in the sauciest, most enunciated performance of … Read More

THREE KINGS

Poffy The Cucumber

KELLY’S HEROES without the ragtag. War is not just Hell. In THREE KINGS, it is confusing as Hell. Four American soldiers behind enemy lines on a mission; they’re not here to win a battle, they’re here to rob a bank. If the plot sounds familiar, it is KELLY’S HEROES for the morally ambiguous generation. THREE KINGS is a stunning, ferocious … Read More

TWILIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

Bloodless. A chick falls in love with a fey vampire. They don’t have sex. The End. Vampires used to be scary once. The iconography of the blood-drinking psychotic, the shape-shifting coffin-dweller, reached a horrifying zenith with the novel Dracula by Bram Stoker (published 1897). Then came the startling film NOSFERATU (1922). Modern media has progressively been bleeding out all the … Read More

IN BRUGES

Poffy The Cucumber

Quentin Tarantino’s THE ODD COUPLE. Humor so black and ironic, it’s like stabbing nuns with the same ruler they used to rap your knuckles during piano lessons. IN BRUGES. It’s in Belgium. It’s where mismatched hitmen Ken (Brendan Gleeson) and Ray (Colin Farrell) are sent by Harry the Boss (Ralph Fiennes) to lay low after a hit, to await his … Read More

BURN AFTER READING

Poffy The Cucumber

Guy Ritchie without the Two Smoking Barrels. At times funny, at times frenetic, at times foolish, BURN AFTER READING is mostly a lost opportunity with a great ensemble cast. Brad Pitt is a goofball Valley Boy (ten years too old for the role), saying “shit” to his heart’s content, as John Malkovich is a recently-fired CIA agent (perfect for the … Read More

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD

Poffy The Cucumber

Doing the business on the family business. “May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.” That old Irish saying warns that you can fool yourself into believing you’re in gravy, until Reality mops the floor with you. Walking a fine line between pulp noir and terrifying reality, BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD succeeds … Read More

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

New Killer. Old Hairstyle. Quietude. West Texas veldt. 1980. A lone gunman (Josh Brolin) hunting game comes upon a slaughter scene: a handful of Mexicans dead in their clustered cars on the barren plain. The gunman follows a blood trail to another dead man clutching a leather briefcase stuffed to the seams with cash.Does he walk away? Does he call … Read More

THE HOAX

Poffy The Cucumber

The Barbaric Yawp of the Lunatic Fringe. In 1970, author Clifford Irving fooled all of the people some of the time when he produced the autobiography of one of the world’s most intriguing recluses, Howard Hughes. Like all great hoaxes, it eventually served him better than the truth. And like all movies “based on true stories,” we approach cautiously where … Read More

VELVET GOLDMINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Moonage Daydreams of Stardust. …Your poison doesn’t hurt me, no Tender wine disguised in a milk-fat fair kiddie show. I’m here to celebrate the one below At last I’ve heard from good God above As the slap on my ass by a lipstick-kissed elbow glove… – The Ballad of Maxwell Demon, Shudder To Think. A true songwriter would give his … Read More

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

Poffy The Cucumber

The Importance of Being Malkovich. It’s about a puppeteer who finds a portal into the head of a real-life actor… No, it’s about an over-sexed, 105-year-old pirate who runs a company on the 7 ½ floor of a building who has found a way to live forever… No, it’s about a woman who realizes she is transsexual after having sex … Read More

KINSEY

Poffy The Cucumber

A Cocksure Man. Apparently, Kinsey had a big one. For a pioneer of world-shaking sex research, that’s one helluva hook. And straight from the ‘truth is better than fiction’ bin – his wife had a small one… Liam Neeson is biologist Alfred C. Kinsey, who was single-handedly responsible for bringing sobriety and scientific method to the wild-eyed speculation and downright … Read More

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY

Poffy The Cucumber

Surprisingly Tolerable. George Clooney hasn’t been this funny since he was Batman. Playing smitten lawyer Miles Massey with the graceful aplomb of a suave Jerry Lewis, Clooney takes his pretty-boy image on a fringe journey of impeccable comedic exactitude in INTOLERABLE CRUELTY, pursuing gold-digging ice-queen, Marilyn (Catherine Zeta-Jones playing her usual arrogant C-Word to the hilt). Eschewing “romantic comedy” cliché … Read More