Would that it were so sequitur. Maybe the fault is mine. Maybe I just don’t “get” the Coen Brothers’ vision of the world’s randomness and disjointedness, but here’s another of their writer-director efforts where I just can’t see the point, unless it’s to make George Clooney look like a lovable buffoon again. Or to watch Channing Tatum dance. In both … Read More
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
DIE HARDER in the White House with a Vengeance. WHITE HOUSE DOWN (released June 2013) was sold as the “comedic” version of OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN (March 2013). Is that why we’re laughing AT it? Not that we can even differentiate them; both are the same level of serious, and the same height of stupidity. With the exact same outcome – … Read More
MAGIC MIKE XXL
Man-Sized Boredom. Male stripper road trip! It might be a draw to the female contingent looking for abs of steel and g-stringed butts a-glisten with strawberry body oil, but heterosexual gentlemen will find more interest in watching paint drying on a wet plank than trying to stay awake for the soporific meanderings in MAGIC MIKE XXL. Channing returns to shake … Read More
THE HATEFUL EIGHT
Eight is Enough to fill our hearts with dingus. THE THING meets CAPTAIN RON. And all Snake Plissken breaks loose. Wyoming. Post-Civil War. At a snowbound outpost, eight strangers must survive the stormy night. And each other. Writer-director Quentin Tarantino‘s THE HATEFUL EIGHT is a slow burn; a firecracker waiting to be ignited in a nunnery. Unlike many of his … Read More
DON JON
Long Don Johnson. This film really touches me where I love being touched – the groin. But at its heart, DON JON is a love story. But then, isn’t all porn? Joseph Gordon-Levitt (LOOPER, 2012) writes, directs and stars in this cumming of age tale that Entertainment Weekly calls “smart and supremely confident.” I don’t usually concur with generic splash-phrases, … Read More
THE LEGO MOVIE
Will knock your block off! THE LEGO MOVIE is a maximus overload of cinematic revelry; a riotous brick house of bedazzlement. Action, spectacle, romance, cultural refs, fueled by goodness and badness and cuteness. And millions and millions of Lego bricks. Emmett Brickowski (voice of Chris Pratt) is a little Lego man, with perfect Lego hair, living in a perfect Lego … Read More
MAGIC MIKE
Sweat, Flesh, Booze, Drugs, wife-swapping, dry humping, backstabbing… who wants breakfast? Don’t bullshit me! You came here to see Channing Tatum dance! You didn’t come to MAGIC MIKE to see the story of young loser Adam (Alex Pettyfer) who can’t hold a job to save his life, befriending stripper Magic Mike (Tater Tots Tatum), who smarms him a job at … Read More
THIS IS THE END
The Apocalypse is Upon Us… and it’s at James Franco’s house. Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel drop in at James Franco’s housewarming party in Hollywood – just in time for The Apocalypse. THIS IS THE END is a laugh-a-minute, self-referential, absurdist, end-of-the-world comedy starring Rogen, Baruchel, Franco, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson and Danny McBride – as themselves. Innumerable other dynamic, … Read More
DEAR JOHN
Dear John, I never want to see you again. Who knew dating was so frickin’ BORING?! DEAR JON is a weepy date movie, where army guy Brick Rockchest (Channing Tatum, champion mumbler) meets beach chick Blondie Cocktease (Amanda Seyfried) and they bore us going on talk-dates. Then they get caught in the rain and kiss. Then they have a beach … Read More
THE DILEMMA
Bromantic comedy with a medieval aftertaste. No one knows the right thing to do – especially not director Ron Howard (THE DA VINCI CODE) – when a man sees his best friend’s wife secretly having an affair, in the half-comedy, half-drama, all-indecisive THE DILEMMA. Ronny (Vince Vaughn) is paired with Beth (Jennifer Connelly) and Nick (Kevin James) is married to … Read More
PUBLIC ENEMIES
Small time crooks painted larger than the criminals in any given corporation. An insipid telling of the fast life and crooked times of America’s first Public Enemy Number 1, John Dillinger. PUBLIC ENEMIES makes all the right moves, with all the right stars wearing all the right hardguy overcoats, but it somehow lacks grip. Set in the 1930’s Chicago crimewave … Read More
STOP-LOSS
Nothing Stops the Loss. “FUCK THE PRESIDENT!” I didn’t say it. Ryan Phillippe did. In its stunning 37th minute, STOP-LOSS gets raw as Staff Sergeant Brandon King (Phillippe) protests being “stop-lossed” – involuntarily deployed again after his voluntary service to the U.S. military has ended. The Stop-Loss program is exactly what it sounds like: a fine print clause in military … Read More