Even Kurt Klaus kan’t save kristmas. If you thought Kurt Russell could save THE CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES idiocy by Being Kurt Russell, well… almost. But it’s getting harder and harder to polish these christmas turds, as screenwriters must deal with children who every year get more and more sophisticated. And trying to explain away magic as science is sounding stupider and … Read More
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION
Tidings of no comfort, no joy. I’ll tell you why I hate Chevy Chase. As much as Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx and Jerry Lewis worked on honing their comedic craft, the talent-less drogue Chevy Chase has done exactly the opposite. Chase can be compared to his equally talent-less contemporary, singer Ozzy Osbourne; both Chevy and Ozzy ride the … Read More
SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE
Idiot Clause. I feel most embarrassed for Dudley Moore. What a talent! Wasted in SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE; not just wasted, but defiled, besmirched, and shat upon! SANTA CLAUS: THE MOVIE is a nauseating mess of brainless plotlines and platitudes. The trailers allude to the villain: “Now someone wants to take the magic out of Christmas!” Don’t look now, movie, … Read More
THE SANTA CLAUSE 2
Papa’s got a brand new bag – I mean, wife. Due to THE SANTA CLAUSE 2, Santa Claus must find a wife or he will magically stop being Santa Claus, presumably leaving one billion spoiled brats on Earth wailing in frenzy for their free toys. It’s eight years later – in real time and movie time – since THE SANTA … Read More
THE SANTA CLAUSE
Insanity Clause. Santa Claus has his own kind of occult life insurance. If he dies, the person who puts on his suit becomes him (against their will), replete with obesity genes, forceful beard that cannot be shaved off and occult powers of transmogrification; Santa Claus’s life essence preserved and transferred, the person who becomes him having no choice but to … Read More
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
Jangles the nerves. The single funniest thing about the bland and pointless “family holiday comedy” JINGLE ALL THE WAY has nothing to do with the supposed comedy it is trying to purvey – it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger unintentionally being funny while trying to be a comedian. I laff my ass off at that guy, but then, I laffed my ass off … Read More
FOUR CHRISTMASES
Four times the noxious. FOUR CHRISTMASES would be nothing without Jon Favreau dry-humping Vince Vaughn‘s twisted arm. Best part of the movie. I laughed out loud. Then the movie kept going. Unfortunately. In this uneven comedy, Brad (Vaughn) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon) are a boisterous, adventurous young couple who studiously avoid visiting their dysfunctional families every christmas, opting to take … Read More
THE SANTA SUIT
Cognitive dissonance retained for one more year… Kevin Sorbo (HERCULES) dons another mystical suit and battles evil (corporate America). In this cheap, cloying syrup-fest, Kevin stuffs his man-frame into THE SANTA SUIT, another tired exercise in demeaning profit as evil and elevating poverty-stricken people as unequivocally pure. Sigh, let’s get this over and done with… Sorbo is CEO of a … Read More
CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS
Dreaming of a Fight Christmas. CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS is about selfishness, viciousness, hypocrisy and homogeneity – you know, the true spirit of Christmas. From a John Grisham novel, Skipping Christmas (which I presume is as compelling as his other books – and therefore nowhere near as asinine as this movie), KRANKS is about middle-aged upper-class couple Luther and Nora … Read More
DECK THE HALLS
Ferris Bueller’s Slay Off. DECK THE HALLS is about selfishness, envy, assault, infantile bickering and malice aforethought. That’s right – it’s about Christmas. Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito), in trying to alleviate his self-esteem issues, decides to light up his house so brightly it can be seen from space. Luckily, it’s Christmas, when snideness and unbridled, irrational spending are rife in … Read More
BAD SANTA
I Didn’t Shit Right For a Week. So filthy. So disgusting. So irreverent… So funny. Billy Bob Thornton gives new meaning to “Santa Claus is coming to town” as a drunken, lecherous, foul-mouthed thief posing as a department store Santa with his accomplice elf (little person, Tony Cox), only to rob each store that employs them. BAD SANTA is THE … Read More
ELF
Elven Hell. Will Ferrell is funny. This movie is not. In ELF, Ferrell is Buddy, a normal-sized human raised by Santa’s elves (hence, thinks himself an elf), who is sent out into the world ostensibly to find his real daddy, but in reality to get his clumsy, over-sized bollocks out of the tiny toy factory. In Christmastime New York, still … Read More
SURVIVING CHRISTMAS
Surviving Affleck. There is one great moment in SURVIVING CHRISTMAS that almost makes it worth the pain: James Gandolfini cracks a shovel over Ben Affleck‘s stupid head. This movie serves as yet another unfortunate example of James Gandolfini proving what a great actor he is whilst simultaneously besmirching his career by acting in this film. Young, wealthy ad exec, Drew … Read More
MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET 1994
A Muddle-Headed Miracle. WARNING TO DIABETICS: The syrup content of MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET is so high that the surgeon general advises not to watch it, for danger of inducing diabetic neuropathy and gastroparesis. Les Mayfield (ENCINO MAN) directs this remake of the 1947 “classic,” about a Coles store Santa who claims to be “Kris Kringle” (Richard Attenborough), and is … Read More