Scraping the bottom of the trench. Jason Statham gets ONE semi-hearted jutsu scene at the beginning of MEG 2: THE TRENCH, then it’s just a dumb fish movie from there… If you want a shark movie that’s stupid, try SHARKNADO. For a shark movie that’s boring, try THE MEG. If you want a shark movie that’s boring AND stupid, then … Read More
THE MEG
MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) vs. MMA (Massive Marine Animal). Marine biologists unwittingly unleash a prehistoric Megalodon shark from under the Mariana Trench, and only one thing can stop it – Mixed Martial Arts. Well, not really – this movie is not the finesse of opening a bottle-cap with a spinning side-kick, it’s much more big and blunt. In the stupid … Read More
AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER
The Way of Resting On Laurels, Bro. James Cameron’s AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER, like its predecessor, AVATAR (2009), will leave you agape at the superbly realized world it envelops you in; will leave you stunned at the scintillating imagination running wild on the silver screen, and yet will have you scratching your head at the lazy screenwriting and banal … Read More
A THOUSAND WORDS
Nine-hundred and ninety words too long. A THOUSAND WORDS just needs four words to describe it: Writing: good. Movie: average. Eddie Murphy stars as big mouth literary agent Jack McCall, whose encounter with guru Dr. Sinja (Cliff Curtis) leads to a Bodhi tree magically springing up in his backyard, which loses a leaf for every word that Jack speaks. He … Read More
THE LAST AIRBENDER
Bender me this, Bender! What is a Bender? the petulant anarchist Judd Nelson in THE BREAKFAST CLUB; the alcoholic, kleptomaniac robot in FUTURAMA; a homosexual man; getting stoned on alcohol or drugs for a sustained period of time; an exceptionally bad hockey player; a tumescent penis; a curveball; to shit oneself; a person who can affect the elements at will; … Read More
VIRUS
Inhuman Immunodeficiency Virus. I feel like vomiting and I’m getting a headache and maybe even diarrhea. I’ve either got a virus. Or I’ve just watched the movie of the same name. But here’s the twist. VIRUS isn’t about some little animalcules that infect your blood and make your nose run. It’s about an alien entity that uses electricity for energy … Read More
THREE KINGS
KELLY’S HEROES without the ragtag. War is not just Hell. In THREE KINGS, it is confusing as Hell. Four American soldiers behind enemy lines on a mission; they’re not here to fight a battle, they’re here to rob a bank. If the plot sounds familiar, it is KELLY’S HEROES for the morally ambiguous generation. THREE KINGS is a stunning, ferocious … Read More
10,000 B.C.
Mammoth Mistake. Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. is such an authentic and realistic portrayal of primitive man, it is clear he did all his research by watching THE FLINTSTONES. I never knew a movie could annoy me from its first minute. It is 10,000 B.C. A camera pans down on a prehistoric village – and a “narrator” starts – not just … Read More
THE FOUNTAIN
Doubtin’ The Fountain. Raving beauty, rabid camera angling and startlingly somber performances almost save this movie from its own convoluted and ambitious storyline spiraling down the artsy-fartsy toilet. The trailers for THE FOUNTAIN were extremely well done and conveyed the hero (Hugh Jackman) as traveling through time, pursuing his true love across the ages (Rachel Weisz) – then I watched … Read More
LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD
In Bruce We Trust. Never trust a computer you can’t throw out your window. – Steve “Woz” Wozniak. This mess is not his fault; he’d rather be home with a cold one; he’s no superman, just an average guy who must act like a super man – and I think he’s wearing the same sweaty shirt from DIE HARD (1988). … Read More