NOAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Dark Ark. Obsession! It’s not just a perfume. It’s all over the King James Bible. And for the first time, captured in a major motion picture that doesn’t paint a biblical figure like a cardboard cutout whimsically pimping himself out to God’s unholy will. On the strength of a “vision,” a guy builds a boat 300 cubits long (whatever that … Read More

BLACK SWAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Swan Quake. My God, but ballet is boring! Thank God for Natalie Portman masturbating! Neurotic ballerina Nina (Portman) jockeys for the coveted Swan Queen role in a production of Swan Lake… Let’s not pretend elitism – all the roles look the same to me: girls on their tippy-toes and guys in penis-hugging tights. The obsessive director (Vincent Cassel) tells the … Read More

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM

Poffy The Cucumber

Heroes for a Loser Class. If you’ve never done hard drugs before, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM will make sure you don’t. If you’ve puked your guts out over your bed, stayed unwashed for a month straight, and sold your mother’s TV for a fix, well, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM is like last Wednesday. To say Darren Aronofsky‘s unflinching mind-bender is … Read More

THE WRESTLER

Poffy The Cucumber

Emotional Pounding. Well I’m frustrated, outdated, I really wanna be over-rated. I’m a finder and I’m a keeper; I’m not a loser and I ain’t no weeper. I got the boys to make a noise Won’t ever let up – Hope it annoys you! Join the pack, feel the crack! Well now you’re here – There’s no way back! — … Read More

PI

Poffy The Cucumber

Uneasy as Pi. There is something genius lurking its way to the surface in Darren Aronofsky’s PI – but it gets sidetracked with hallucinatory drugs. An indie film through and through, filmed in startling, scratchy black and white, with reasonably poor performances from everyone except the two leads – Sean Gullette and Mark Margolis (forever Alberto the assassin from SCARFACE, … Read More

THE FOUNTAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Doubtin’ The Fountain. Raving beauty, rabid camera angling and startlingly somber performances almost save this movie from its own convoluted and ambitious storyline spiraling down the artsy-fartsy toilet. The trailers for THE FOUNTAIN were extremely well done and conveyed the hero (Hugh Jackman) as traveling through time, pursuing his true love across the ages (Rachel Weisz) – then I watched … Read More