GALGAMETH

Poffy The Cucumber

Vanilla Godzilla. The North Korean movie PULGASARI, though it featured a giant monster, was a parable about a weapon of mass destruction turning on its creators. GALGAMETH, though a remake of PULGASARI, is a low-budget, straight-to-video, badly-acted and -scripted kiddie movie about a giant monster that restores its teen master to his rightful throne as King Douchebag. PULGASARI, for all … Read More

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OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL

Poffy The Cucumber

Devil: 1. God: 0. Again. A charlatan spirit medium discovers her daughter can actually contact spirits through a Ouija board. And all, uh, hell breaks loose. OUIJA: ORIGIN OF EVIL is a prequel to 2014’s OUIJA; set in the late ‘60s, we meet the young family that would become the ghosts of the 2014 film, and we experience their harrowing … Read More

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THE BYE BYE MAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Horror? Buh-bye. Don’t say it. Don’t think it. Say what? THE BYE BYE MAN. D’oh! The more you think about him, the closer he gets. You see things that aren’t there. You don’t see things that are there. He makes you kill people. Or kill yourself. Or something else might kill you. So, basically, just whatever then… “And you die … Read More

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THE SHAPE OF WATER

Poffy The Cucumber

Interspecies Love and the Balls it Requires. Like the aqua spawn of THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and Abe Sapien from HELLBOY, our collective consciousness accepts the “Gill Man” as a species; a familiar alien entity in our science fiction. Yet in Guillermo del Toro’s unique THE SHAPE OF WATER, the Gill Man has transcended the species demarcation and … Read More

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BATMAN RETURNS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bat, The Cat and The Fat. Something happened between BATMAN and BATMAN RETURNS. The eighties had ended, George H.W. Bush ended his one-term presidency, CGI was invented, and director Tim Burton was so depressed about all these things that the tears in his eyes must’ve clouded his Dark Knight vision. Crooked businessman Max Shreck makes an underground freak, The … Read More

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THE BENCHWARMERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Man-ginas Assemble! Question: How retarded do you have to be to enjoy THE BENCHWARMERS? Answer: Pretty fuckin’ retarded. When Rob Schneider is the best thing in your movie, you’ve got a problem. And when Rob Schneider is actually good in your movie, you really have to wonder at how bad everything else is to make this actor’s excuse for a … Read More

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THE WATCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Don’t WATCH. THE WATCH  is supposedly a comedy. But it’s funny how no one’s laughing. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (the dynamic duo that brought us SUPERBAD and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS), this tale of four suburbanites who start a Neighborhood Watch group to catch a murderer, and discover they must defend the world against an extra-terrestrial invasion, seems to … Read More

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LEGION

Poffy The Cucumber

Apoca-Limps. Humans against angels at a truck stop diner. Fate of the world in the hands of rednecks. As usual. LEGION follows Angel Michael (Paul Bettany) helping the rednecks fend off the heavenly host sent to wipe out the human race. God’s pissed again. Can you blame him? Y’know, I don’t see eye to eye with Him on anything (on … Read More

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PAN’S LABYRINTH

Poffy The Cucumber

A wondrously grim fairy tale. PAN’S LABYRINTH is a fairy tale, but it’s not for kids. Ironically, the fairy tales that are for kids are as dark as this tale. Set in the lush woodlands of 1944 Spain, during the waning of WWII, young bookworm Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) and her pregnant mother (Ariadna Gil) move into an army barracks with … Read More

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HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Poffy The Cucumber

Hell-Tilt With The Wheels Comin’ Off. PAN’S LABYRINTH smashed up against the Cantina Sequence from STAR WARS and Guillermo del Toro rode that bad boy all the way to a town called HELLBOY. In HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY, writer-director del Toro has concreted his gleaming vision, found his devil stride, piling spectacle upon wonder upon bombastic fantastic. From Mike … Read More

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FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

Poffy The Cucumber

More FOUR Bore. There’s something about the Fantastic Four that’s not all that fantastic: it’s called acting.Had to spin Joe Satriani’s Surfing with the Alien before spanking this review – ‘twas the only way I was gonna cyber-charge the cells after watching the soporific, yet tenuously linked FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER. As some of you 80s steel-belted … Read More

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HELLBOY

Poffy The Cucumber

Hell-Freed but Earth-Bound. They say he’s from Hell – now is that the Christian version or the ancient Jewish version? Or the Greek version, or Nordic, or Moslem? Why, there are as many versions of Hell as demons from there. But enough about George Bush Junior. HELLBOY is a classic example of hype over-riding content. I am as big a … Read More

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