CIRCLE 2015

Poffy The Cucumber

Not for squares. 50 disparate people stand in a staggered circle facing each other, on some kind of technological dais, where the floor is touch-sensitive to their presence, so they cannot move off their individual space or touch each other on pain of electrocution. Black background, like some episode of LOST IN SPACE or THE TIME TUNNEL. Every two minutes, … Read More

AFTERMATH 2017

Poffy The Cucumber

Misery as Entertainment. When you think about it, practically all movies are “misery as entertainment,” but most have some form of redemption, deliverance, or happy ending to look forward to. AFTERMATH is one of the bleakest slices of life you will ever see: the story of an architect who loses his family in a mid-air collision, due to a distracted … Read More

BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS – PART 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Should I Bats or should I go? A decade after retiring, Batman has returned to Gotham. So has The Joker. A new police commissioner wants Batman arrested. And the president wants Batman dead – enlisting the aid of Superman. BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS – PART 2 concludes the epic journey of Bruce Wayne/Batman (voiced by Peter Weller) in his … Read More

BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS – PART 1

Poffy The Cucumber

A Chinful Of Knight. Published in 1986, Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns was a watershed moment for The Batman. After a ten-year absence, a 55-year-old Batman returns to fight spiraling crime, though fiercer criminals and simple old age threatens to stultify his efforts to redeem Gotham. And then there’s the problem of exorcising his own demons that made him … Read More

1917

Poffy The Cucumber

The one-take war. War! Huah! Good God y’all! What is it good for?! Absolutely Oscar! GALLIPOLI meets SAVING PRIVATE RYAN in the Newest Generation’s gritty war film, “1917.” (The year people started to realize Archduke Ferdinand probably wasn’t worth all this bone and blood sausage.) World War I (a rare topic, as most modern war movies cover WWII onwards). Two … Read More

MIDSOMMAR 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Ain’t no cure for the Sommartime Blues. MIDSOMMAR will break you. Five college kids travel to Sweden for a midsummer festival. Oops! It’s a pagan cult. A good way to get yourself killed. Or to break up with your boyfriend.  – – – – S P O I L E R S – – – – – You have been … Read More

HEREDITARY

Poffy The Cucumber

New Horror from Old Trope. HEREDITARY inherits its DNA from THE EXORCIST and THE OMEN. Writer-director Ari Aster’s feature film debut is a brutal masterpiece, drenched in dread, an eerie thriller about a fractured family that ends in a different genre altogether. Movie’s opening scene is a study in creativity: camera pushes in on a room filled with paraphernalia, then … Read More

BLADE RUNNER 2049

Poffy The Cucumber

I’m too sexy for my existential crisis. He’s a BLADE RUNNER in 2049. And he’s a Replicant – a robot that resembles humans. And he hunts older-model Replicants that are not as gorgeous as him. And – unlike the last guy – he’s terrific at his job! Ryan Gosling is Agent K, a Nexus-9 Replicant, the newest products of the … Read More

BATMAN: THE KILLING JOKE

Poffy The Cucumber

The joke’s on us. The Joker (voiced by Mark Hamill) intends to prove once and for all that even the most stable person is merely “one bad day” away from madness, so kidnaps Commissioner Gordon whilst maiming his daughter Barbara in front of him, and runs the Commissioner through a gamut of torture designed to tip him into lunacy, thus … Read More

JOKER 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?… Joaquin Phoenix is unpredictable, funny, disturbing, and when you meet him, he might just kill you. In JOKER, he won the 2020 Oscar and Golden Globe for Best Actor… But was he really acting? JOKER, like STEPHEN KING’S IT, shows clowns for what they really are: insecure, unbalanced, traumatized sociopaths. Again, was Joaquin … Read More

DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Black Wiseau. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME is a comeback film for Eddie Murphy? That’s a well-deserved question mark! As its filmmakers whine about being snubbed at the 2020 Oscars, they neglect to mention they’ve made a formulaic film about a conman with questionable product that deserves attention only as a novelty. As a historical figure, the flamboyant Rudy Ray Moore … Read More

RETURN OF THE SEVEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Magnificent Yul and the Six Dexters. You know how when you make a copy of a copy, it’s not as sharp as… well… the original. — Michael Keaton as Doug #3, MULTIPLICITY THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN was such a worldwide hit, a sequel had to come. But… uh… almost everyone died in the first one. How could there possibly be a … Read More

THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Far East becomes Old West. John Sturges remakes Akira Kurosawa’s SEVEN SAMURAI as a western, THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. Katanas become guns, samurai become gunslingers, Far East becomes Old West. A small Mexican farming village, tired of being ransacked annually by a marauder and his henchmen, hire seven gunslingers to repel them. Soon enough, the villagers realize meeting violence with violence … Read More

SEVEN SAMURAI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Jedi of Japan. Seven samurai against forty bandits. The bandits never stood a chance… Ultimate majesty. Ultimate tragedy. How does one describe the greatest Akira Kurosawa film, one of the most touching, savage and layered stories about sacrifice, courage and redemption, released in 1954 and still standing as one of the greatest films of all time? SEVEN SAMURAI. (Well, … Read More

THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More

RAMBO: LAST BLOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Going out with a hammer, not a whimper… Mexican pimps. Rambo kill. The End. When distilled down to its essence, RAMBO: LAST BLOOD is a revenge movie, with creative kills bordering on gore-porn and Sylvester Stallone in the titular role bordering on Rambostein’s Monster. I guess we can’t fault a Rambo movie for being a quintessential Rambo movie. If we’re … Read More

ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that takes us somewhere, yet goes nowhere. Quentin Tarantino once again brazenly rewrites history in his scintillating homage to La La Land of the 1960s, ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD. Hollywood 1969. Two tales intertwine – one, a tale of an actor and his stuntman, hustling for work in a business that has moved past their cowboy … Read More

WHEN THEY SEE US

Poffy The Cucumber

When They See Us… they still won’t give a fuck. WHEN THEY SEE US is a mini-series dramatization of the 1989 “Central Park Five” case, where five young boys were wrongfully convicted and incarcerated for the rape of a jogger in New York’s Central Park. In 2001, the real rapist confessed, precipitating the release of the Five, and their convictions … Read More

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Baba Yaga’s Bogus Journey. Faster than a speeding Bourne, more powerful than a Transporter, able to leap Chuck Norris in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky – it’s a Bond, it’s McClane, no, it’s – JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM! The unkillable killer returns in the undisputed Heavyweight Champeen Boys’ Movie of the Summer! If JOHN WICK … Read More

EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE

Poffy The Cucumber

Extremely Ripped, Shockingly Misguided and Pointless. EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE follows a short period in serial murderer Ted Bundy’s life, as told exclusively from his naïve girlfriend’s point of view. Meaning it tells us nothing. And the movie follows that old gambit of casting a lovable star in the role of a heinous human being (a la Brolin … Read More