CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE

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Tits and Guns and Blood and Tits. Jason Statham‘s big-dick energy once again sees him running rampage in Los Angeles streets, mowing down gangsters, and getting laid in public. This movie’s predecessor, CRANK (2006) followed hitman Chev Chelios (Statham) after he was injected with a drug that would kill him if his adrenalin dropped below a certain level. Think SPEED … Read More

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THE POPE’S EXORCIST

Poffy The Cucumber

No Sympathy for the Devil. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted: it isn’t. Grow up! — Jimmy Carr, comedian. Supposedly a tale from the “real-life files” of Father Gabriel Amorth, Chief Exorcist of the Vatican (from 1986-2000), THE POPE’S EXORCIST follows Amorth in a 1987 case as he exorcises a young boy possessed by Mick Jagger … Read More

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OPPENHEIMER 2023

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The REAL Quantum Mania. Christopher Nolan’s OPPENHEIMER follows the “father of the atomic bomb,” J. Robert Oppenheimer, as he gathers geniuses, cockblocks politicians, and bangs mistresses. A breakneck political thriller with loads of intrigue and dramatic flourish, with an award-winning performance by Cillian Murphy (PEAKY BLINDERS) as the titular physicist, who delved into the quantum realm and actually conquered it. … Read More

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THE HIGHWAYMEN

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Cry Havoc and Let Slip the Lawdogs. Kevin Costner and Woody Harrelson are THE HIGHWAYMEN, two old detectives past their prime, hired by the Texas Governor to join a manhunt – for Bonnie and Clyde. Ah, connection to popular culture! But this ain’t your granddaddy’s BONNIE AND CLYDE from 1967 with sexy Faye Dunaway and sexier Warren Beatty – we’re … Read More

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CREED III

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The Winner That Became a Winner. Adonis Creed (Michael B. Jordan) is the Heavyweight Champion of the World. He retires. Someone else wins the title. So he UN-retires to become the Heavyweight Champion of the World again, winning a fight that he never had to enter. Where’s the journey? The plot of CREED III seems… inconsequential. Of course, the screenwriters … Read More

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WHIPLASH 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Blood, Sweat and Tears. But mostly blood. Man, there is blood over EVERYTHING in this movie; blood over his hands, his drums, his cymbals, his sticks. It’s like you can’t practice the drums without a significant amount of blood loss. So this is jazz, huh? WHIPLASH shows us the rugged reality of chasing dreams, the mind-numbing repetition and unsung practice; … Read More

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ELVIS 2022

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Elvis: The Man, The Legend, The Manager? Baz Luhrmann’s ELVIS crams the rise and fall of rock ‘n roll legend Elvis Presley into a questionable biopic – because it’s told from the POV of his manager! Tom Hanks (under obese makeup) plays Colonel Tom Parker, the enigmatic manager who shepherded Elvis into the stratosphere, in an astounding performance only slightly … Read More

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TOP GUN: MAVERICK

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Highway To The Ager Zone. Exciting? CHECK. Emotional? CHECK. Goddamit, I really wanted to make gay jokes about this movie! But TOP GUN: MAVERICK, even with its hokey premise and neanderthal plot, really is an exciting cinematic engulfment, tearing us headlong into azure space with those magnificent men (and women now too!) in their flying machines. Ace fighter pilot from … Read More

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CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

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Captains Courageous… or not. CAPTAIN PHILLIPS details the real-life hijacking of the freighter ship Maersk Alabama by Somali pirates on April 8, 2009, and how its captain was taken hostage. And gaslights him into an undeserving hero. Amongst his own officers, opinion was that the real Captain Richard Phillips was an arrogant, self-righteous prick. He was no selfless hero. So … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-07: MY FRIEND, MR NOBODY

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Angela Cartwright: Star Lite. Penny gets her moment in the sun… or at least, on a planet orbiting a different sun, as she is the focus of this drug-induced episode, where she befriends a disembodied voice in a cave, only to have that voice attack her family via an earthquake through a misunderstanding, and for it to then reconcile with … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-06: WELCOME STRANGER

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The Garbled Gaslighting of Irwin Allen. What the Robinsons thought was a missile heading toward them in the previous episode cliffhanger, turns out to be a spacecraft. It lands, and a regular human man exits. He’s sporting a cowboy hat and a Southern accent. And all the promise that LOST IN SPACE showed in this first Season, as a serious … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-05: THE HUNGRY SEA

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The Plotline That Needn’t Be. I don’t think the writers know how spaceships work: that they insulate the people inside from extremes of cold and heat. Writers Shimon Wincelberg and William Welch want to get the Space Family Robinson into a situation not unlike the Swiss Family Robinson: out on the open sea in a raging tempest… So begins the … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-04: THERE WERE GIANTS IN THE EARTH

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Giant Cyclops, Tiny Science. First of all, that title – There Were Giants In The Earth. This ain’t Earth. And that fact alone should make the Space Family Robinson think twice about any interaction they have with the native fauna or flora… it doesn’t, as they go about eating the flora and killing the fauna, even though the movie year … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-03: ISLAND IN THE SKY

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Bubble-Headed Badboy and Deadly Dr. Smith. Professor John Robinson (Guy Williams) has gone out the airlock of the Jupiter to apparently “fly” down to the planet they are orbiting to scope it out. One would think there are instruments onboard the spaceship that would carry out all that spectroscopy and visual reconnaissance. Nope. The only piece of tech the writers … Read More

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LOST IN SPACE – SEASON 1-02: THE DERELICT

Poffy The Cucumber

Sinister Spaceships and Ferocious Furniture. The Space Family Robinson is pulled into a hulking derelict spaceship and attacked by lounge chairs. LOST IN SPACE Season 1 Episode 2 begins exactly where the last episode left off. Professor John Robinson (Guy Williams) is floating away from the Jupiter 2 after his tow-line has broken, as wife Maureen (June Lockhart) watches helplessly, … Read More

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HOUSE OF GUCCI

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Yoko Gucci. Lady Gaga stars as Patrizia Reggiani, one of the world’s greatest gold-diggers (alongside Heather Mills, Anna Nicole Smith and Melania Trump). From a poor Italian family, Patrizia manipulates her way into THE HOUSE OF GUCCI in 1972, marrying Maurizio Gucci (Adam Driver), heir to the Gucci fashion empire. Not content to sit on the sidelines and earn a … Read More

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MARK FELT: THE MAN WHO BROUGHT DOWN THE WHITE HOUSE

Poffy The Cucumber

When Immovable Corruption Meets Unstoppable Corruption. MARK FELT: THE MAN WHO BROUGHT DOWN THE WHITE HOUSE is a clickbait title. It tells us it’s going to push the mainstream narrative that FBI Associate Director William Mark Felt singlehandedly brought down the corrupt Nixon administration in 1974, by leaking anonymously to the press during Nixon’s Watergate scandal. Nicknamed “Deep Throat” by … Read More

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THE BATMAN 2022

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  Knight’s in Black Battin’. A young Batman, in his second year of fighting crime, feels futility mounting in his quest to rid Gotham of corruption. When he is enlisted to help Lieutenant Jim Gordon against a terrorist known as The Riddler who is killing politicians, he begins to question how high up the corruption goes, and is confronted with … Read More

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NO TIME TO DIE

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First Bond To Die. Daniel Craig’s last ever Bond. Is it too gauche to say he goes out… with a BANG? NO TIME TO DIE is a handsome robust conclusion to the Daniel Craig Bond adventure, something the Bond franchise has never done for its other leading spies. After wrapping SPECTRE (2015), with Daniel’s admission that he would rather eat … Read More

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THE POWER OF THE DOG

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Dog of a film. A meandering story with no throughlines, no payoffs and no plot, that everyone says we have to love, because it’s gay. And that’s totally gay. THE POWER OF THE DOG is simply boring, pretentious, attempted art-cinema, for faux-sophisticates and LGBTQ to fawn over and tease out psychodrama and social messages. About a ranch-hand in 1925 Montana, … Read More

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