BATMAN: THE KILLING JOKE

Poffy The Cucumber

The joke’s on us. The Joker (voiced by Mark Hamill) intends to prove once and for all that even the most stable person is merely “one bad day” away from madness, so kidnaps Commissioner Gordon whilst maiming his daughter Barbara in front of him, and runs the Commissioner through a gamut of torture designed to tip him into lunacy, thus … Read More

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JOKER 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

Wanna know how I got these (O)scars?… Joaquin Phoenix is unpredictable, funny, disturbing, and when you meet him, he might just kill you. In JOKER, he won the 2020 Oscar and Golden Globe for Best Actor… But was he really acting? JOKER, like STEPHEN KING’S IT, shows clowns for what they really are: insecure, unbalanced, traumatized sociopaths. Again, was Joaquin … Read More

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DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

Poffy The Cucumber

Black Wiseau. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME is a comeback film for Eddie Murphy? That’s a well-deserved question mark! As its filmmakers whine about being snubbed at the 2020 Oscars, they neglect to mention they’ve made a formulaic film about a conman with questionable product that deserves attention only as a novelty. As a historical figure, the flamboyant Rudy Ray Moore … Read More

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RETURN OF THE SEVEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Magnificent Yul and the Six Dexters. You know how when you make a copy of a copy, it’s not as sharp as… well… the original. — Michael Keaton as Doug #3, MULTIPLICITY THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN was such a worldwide hit, a sequel had to come. But… uh… almost everyone died in the first one. How could there possibly be a … Read More

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THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Far East becomes Old West. John Sturges remakes Akira Kurosawa’s SEVEN SAMURAI as a western, THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. Katanas become guns, samurai become gunslingers, Far East becomes Old West. A small Mexican farming village, tired of being ransacked annually by a marauder and his henchmen, hire seven gunslingers to repel them. Soon enough, the villagers realize meeting violence with violence … Read More

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SEVEN SAMURAI

Poffy The Cucumber

The Jedi of Japan. Seven samurai against forty bandits. The bandits never stood a chance… Ultimate majesty. Ultimate tragedy. How does one describe the greatest Akira Kurosawa film, one of the most touching, savage and layered stories about sacrifice, courage and redemption, released in 1954 and still standing as one of the greatest films of all time? SEVEN SAMURAI. (Well, … Read More

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THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT

Poffy The Cucumber

Diving into a fiction of a fiction. In 1979, Captain America takes time out from saving Americans, to save Ethiopian Jewish refugees in Sudan, under the cover of THE RED SEA DIVING RESORT, a fake resort run by him and his superhero pals, to throw the Sudanese government off their taut-buttocked scent. Chris Evans is Ari Levinson, heading a team … Read More

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RAMBO: LAST BLOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

Going out with a hammer, not a whimper… Mexican pimps. Rambo kill. The End. When distilled down to its essence, RAMBO: LAST BLOOD is a revenge movie, with creative kills bordering on gore-porn and Sylvester Stallone in the titular role bordering on Rambostein’s Monster. I guess we can’t fault a Rambo movie for being a quintessential Rambo movie. If we’re … Read More

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ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD

Poffy The Cucumber

A film that takes us somewhere, yet goes nowhere. Quentin Tarantino once again brazenly rewrites history in his scintillating homage to La La Land of the 1960s, ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD. Hollywood 1969. Two tales intertwine – one, a tale of an actor and his stuntman, hustling for work in a business that has moved past their cowboy … Read More

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WHEN THEY SEE US

Poffy The Cucumber

When They See Us… they still won’t give a fuck. WHEN THEY SEE US is a mini-series dramatization of the 1989 “Central Park Five” case, where five young boys were wrongfully convicted and incarcerated for the rape of a jogger in New York’s Central Park. In 2001, the real rapist confessed, precipitating the release of the Five, and their convictions … Read More

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JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Baba Yaga’s Bogus Journey. Faster than a speeding Bourne, more powerful than a Transporter, able to leap Chuck Norris in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky – it’s a Bond, it’s McClane, no, it’s – JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM! The unkillable killer returns in the undisputed Heavyweight Champeen Boys’ Movie of the Summer! If JOHN WICK … Read More

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EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE

Poffy The Cucumber

Extremely Ripped, Shockingly Misguided and Pointless. EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE follows a short period in serial murderer Ted Bundy’s life, as told exclusively from his naïve girlfriend’s point of view. Meaning it tells us nothing. And the movie follows that old gambit of casting a lovable star in the role of a heinous human being (a la Brolin … Read More

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JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Baba Yaga Reloaded. Keanu Reeves once again finds himself the linchpin of a career-defining movie series. He’s the laconic, eponymous anti-hero in JOHN WICK: CHAPTER TWO, a movie whose story is built around its innovative combat scenes. In this sequel to 2014’s JOHN WICK, Wick must fulfill an obligation to a colleague, or risk never being able to leave his … Read More

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THE DIRT 2019

Poffy The Cucumber

THE DIRT – is a load of CRAP! Maybe a quarter of it happened, and not like this… — Logan, LOGAN. THE DIRT opens with a title card: “This story is true.” Fuck off. In this paean to rock band Mötley Crüe (remember when umlauts made everything evil?), every detail, every anecdote, every song and character and drug-fueled escapade is … Read More

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THE PIANIST 2002

Poffy The Cucumber

Szpilman’s Liszt. THE PIANIST follows Jewish concert pianist Wladyslaw Szpilman as he hides out from Nazis during the invasion of Poland. It’s not a story about heroes, rather, the story of a Polish man who avoided being one. And lived to play another day. 1939. Wladyslaw “Wladek” Szpilman (Adrien Brody), whom many contend was “the most accomplished pianist in Poland, … Read More

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ROMA

Poffy The Cucumber

Interesting Boredom. ROMA will bore you to death. Unless you pretend to like it because film critics say you should. ROMA is excellent filmmaking, controlled and economical, with creative direction, powerful performances and a tragic story. And it won the 2019 Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film. Yet it’s like watching Mexican paint dry. The story is quite simple: In … Read More

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VICE 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

The Fat Face of Evil.  Thank you to Satan for giving me inspiration on how to play this role. — Christian Bale, on winning Best Actor Golden Globes, for the role of Dick Cheney. VICE is the story of Dick Cheney, following his rise from hell into the White House as George W. Bush’s vice president. Christian Bale is Cheney, … Read More

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THE MULE 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Riches and Redemption on the Cocaine Superhighway. Family’s the most important thing. Don’t do what I did. I put work in front of family. I thought it was more important to be somebody out there, than the failure I was in my own home. I was a terrible father, a terrible husband. I blew my chance. I didn’t deserve forgiveness. … Read More

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CREED II

Poffy The Cucumber

Flying High Now… Well, leveling off… “You can’t win, kid!” “I’m gunna win!” He doesn’t win. “You fought for the wrong reason!” Training montage. Kid wins. For the right reason. Uh, to get a concussion? The mixed messages come like a roundhouse to the chin in CREED II, the bastard child of ROCKY, ROCKY II and ROCKY IV. Beat for … Read More

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THE GEISHA BOY

Poffy The Cucumber

Jerry finds Charlie. Jerry Lewis channels Charlie Chaplin in GEISHA BOY, his very own homage to Chaplin’s classic, THE KID. Not only does Jerry find his footing with a finely-tuned balance between drama and comedy – something he was striving for in his last three solo pictures – he also stops being racist! (Since his second film in 1950, Jerry … Read More

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