THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Film That Stares Into Space. Your tax dollars at work. A few years ago, I read about the U.S. military exploring “paranormal combat techniques” in George W. Bush’s Fake War On Terror: using goats as test subjects, the Amerikan Military were trying to train soldiers to kill terrorists by staring at them to psychically stop their hearts. No, it’s … Read More

THE GHOST WRITER

Poffy The Cucumber

Ghost in the Machine. Ewan McGregor is hired as a GHOST WRITER to liven up the memoirs of disgraced British ex-Prime Minister Adam Lang (Pierce Brosnan), an obvious analog for Tony Blair puling at the feet of the American administration then rewriting his legacy to make it sound like he wasn’t a lapdog. Spirited to a hideaway island, presented with … Read More

THE ISLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Attack of the Clones. You know what they say: Every man is an island. Unless he has a clone. Then he’s an archipelago. Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson discover they are clones living in an underground community, being cultivated for rich people as “harvestable beings” for their body parts. And who wouldn’t want body parts from Ewan McGregor and Scarlett … Read More

AMELIA

Poffy The Cucumber

Fly Girl. By no means boring, but by no means compelling either. Amelia Earhart’s life might have been one of wonder and adventure and romance, but in the movie AMELIA, well, she flies, she flies, she dies. The end. Hilary Swank is Amelia Earhart, a true America’s Sweetheart for her aviation feats in the late 1920s, who attempted to circumnavigate … Read More

ANGELS AND DEMONS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dopey Popey. Another fine mess the Catholic Church has gotten us into! Tom Hanks returns in ANGELS & DEMONS as Robert Langdon, atheist symbologist from THE DA VINCI CODE (2006), a little trimmer, a little wiser, a little more action man and a little less Vitruvian Man. The Pope has just died and the archbishops next in line to be … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE

Poffy The Cucumber

A Legend Unravels… Twenty years ago, I liked Michael Jackson. Everyone did. Twenty years ago, I liked STAR WARS. Everyone did. Look what happened to Michael Jackson. Look what happened to STAR WARS. Both these entities were done in NOT by lack of funding, backstabbing competitors or unbalanced advisors. Ironically, they brought their downfalls on themselves through a surfeit of … Read More

VELVET GOLDMINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Moonage Daydreams of Stardust. …Your poison doesn’t hurt me, no Tender wine disguised in a milk-fat fair kiddie show. I’m here to celebrate the one below At last I’ve heard from good God above As the slap on my ass by a lipstick-kissed elbow glove… – “The Ballad of Maxwell Demon,” Shudder To Think. A true songwriter would give his … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE III – REVENGE OF THE SITH

Poffy The Cucumber

It had to happen. There had to come something in this world to contest Episode II’s mind-numbing thoughtlessness and ineffectualness – behold, George Lucas gives us Episode III. You might want to brave the queues and watch the movie BEFORE reading this article. (I went on a Tuesday afternoon and the theatre was only a quarter full with doinks, dorks, … Read More

STAR WARS: EPISODE II – ATTACK OF THE CLONES

Poffy The Cucumber

CGI = Cast Grossly Inessential. George Lucas doesn’t make book on The Beatles’ Can’t Buy Me Love. Flagrantly disregarding the word “budget,” Lucas feels that by throwing the baby, the bathwater, the soap AND the rubber ducky at audiences, it will buy him the love and respect he seems so desperately to be craving. STAR WARS: EPISODE II – ATTACK … Read More