HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL 1999

Poffy The Cucumber

Haunting Incompetence. It’s not the fact it’s a remake of the Vincent Price comedy HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL  from 1959; it’s not the fact the ghosts are real now, instead of manufactured by the unbalanced host; it’s not even the fact Chris Kattan is here, who, on an acting scale of Chris O’Donnell to Gary Oldman – is a Minus … Read More

TAKEN 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Someone should’ve TAKEN the director’s place. His wife is murdered. And his daughter doesn’t like the giant bear he bought for her birthday. For Liam Neeson, TAKEN 3 is just one tragedy after another. But not with his wife and daughter – with the director. It’s official: Olivier Megaton is the WORST ACTION DIRECTOR in history. He has no clue … Read More

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wolverine Show, Part VII. Wolverine goes back in time to unify the X-Men of the disco past to stop an event that brings into existence giant robots called Sentinels, who are systematically wiping out X-Men of the dystopian present. It’s a heart-gripping, tension-filled, magnificent, sprawling epic – that doesn’t make one lick of sense! X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST … Read More

HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Glimmering Grimm. Once upon a time, there was an action man and his hottie sister, and they were called Hansel and Gretel. Abandoned in the forest at a young age, they stumbled upon a witch’s cottage, killed the witch who was trying to eat them, and grew up to be an Avenger and a Bond Girl. Jeremy Renner (THE AVENGERS) … Read More

THE WOLVERINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Sticks and stones might break his bones… THE WOLVERINE, like its eponymous hero, is epic, dark and muscular. Sixth time’s the charm, as Hugh Jackman reprises his Wolverine/Logan character yet again for Marvel Studios, and this time – they get it right! (Or as right as a movie version can get without going full frontal fanboy to pander to every … Read More

TAKEN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Istanbullshit. Great KEY & PEELE sketch where two valets who are action movie fanatics drool maniacally in their frenetic praises of Liam Neeson, calling him ‘Liam Neesons’ in TAKEN and TAKEN 2 (which they call TOOKEN and TOOKEN 2), their heads eventually exploding in fervor over Neesons and their other boy ‘Bruce Willy.’ So here we are at TOOKEN 2. … Read More

X-MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Mutation Elation. They gave superheroes a new reason to be super. X-MEN is the sometimes brooding, sometimes kick-ass, mostly campy filmic incarnation of a Marvel Comics series that added a new dimension to “super” heroes. It doesn’t quite outline the first generation of Professor Xavier’s “X-Men” but it comes close enough to raise the hairs on our bushy berserker sideburns. … Read More

TAKEN

Poffy The Cucumber

TAKEN for a thrill-ride. Liam Neeson has always stood up for what’s right (as Oskar Schindler, as Rob Roy, Michael Collins, hell, even as Qui-Gon Jinn) – but he’s never been so BADASS about it. In the European production, TAKEN, Neeson is Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative – he calls himself a “Preventer of Bad Things” with “a very particular … Read More

LOVE AND SEX

Poffy The Cucumber

Aiming for mediocre – and succeeding. Adam (Jon Favreau) and Kate (Famke Janssen) mix it up as a couple for a while, having the titular LOVE AND SEX. Then they break up. While they each date other people, their feelings for each other resurface almost as much as they keep running into each other in social circles. They end up … Read More

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

Poffy The Cucumber

X-eunt in X-asperation. Action without heart. Spectacle without logic. Brawn without brains. Director Brett Ratner balances on Bryan Singer’s shoulders, attempting to hold up the mutant world Singer so reverently rendered in X-MEN (2000) and X-MEN UNITED (2003). But he falls off – and helms X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, the third in the x-franchise, with as much reverence and talent … Read More

X2: X-MEN UNITED

Poffy The Cucumber

X-traordinary. In X2: X-MEN UNITED, the two factions of warring mutants we met in X-MEN (2000) unite against a common enemy: homo sapiens. And all genetic babbling breaks loose… The “good” mutants (the ones tagged with the X-Men epithet) are Professor X (Patrick Stewart), Cyclops, Jean Grey, Storm, Wolverine, Iceman and Rogue (joined by additional cast, Nightcrawler and Colossus); the … Read More

Poffy’s ODE to | Famke Janssen

Poffy The Cucumber

FAMKE JANSSEN | An Open Letter from Poffy The Cucumber Yours Greenly, Poffy FAMKE JANSSEN Hottest in: GOLDENEYE I SPY LOVE AND SEX X-MEN X2: X-MEN UNITED In the interests of alerting this steel-jawed seductress to my amor fou, I have penned a paean of love to touch her flaming heart. Why do they all think I am immune to … Read More