HIGHLANDER

Poffy The Cucumber

Sharp as a Katana, Breezy as a Kilt. There is an important scene missing in the American cut of HIGHLANDER: During World War II, MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) finds an orphaned little girl hiding amongst ruins. When a Nazi guns them down, his body shields hers, absorbing the bullets, and they both fall. In answer to her amazed, “You’re still alive?”, … Read More

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HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER

Poffy The Cucumber

There Can Be Only One… er-Three…uh- Seven? Twenty?.. I dunno, does 43 sound about right?… HIGHLANDER III: THE SORCERER should heed its own slogan: “There can be only one.” There should have been only one – one HIGHLANDER film, that is. Each sequel drives another vapid nail into the bottomless coffin that has become the HIGHLANDER franchise. HIGHLANDER was a … Read More

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HELLBOY

Poffy The Cucumber

Hell-Freed but Earth-Bound. They say he’s from Hell – now is that the Christian version or the ancient Jewish version? Or the Greek version, or Nordic, or Moslem? Why, there are as many versions of Hell as demons from there. But enough about George Bush Junior. HELLBOY is a classic example of hype over-riding content. I am as big a … Read More

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THE STAND

Poffy The Cucumber

My Favorite Martian versus Garth Brooks. This story should have stayed in our heads. Reading Stephen King‘s daunting 1000+ page The Stand (restored version, of course), nothing “visual” could intercept our imagination driving onto the wastelands of a dead earth, seeing an unseeable being (Flagg) in our mind’s eye, envisioning the disturbing horrors of the Lincoln Tunnel gridlock, the appendix operation, … Read More

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THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING

Poffy The Cucumber

deus ex tolkiena. Okay, tattered robes deployed? – check; multiple story lines at the ready to entwine and entangle viewers? – check; sets constructed on a budget which would’ve stamped out hunger in Ethiopia? – check; everyone smeared in poo? – check – let’s roll! Trust me, Gentle Viewer, if you’ve not seen the first two installments of this bloated, … Read More

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STAR WARS: EPISODE II – ATTACK OF THE CLONES

Poffy The Cucumber

CGI = Cast Grossly Inessential. George Lucas doesn’t make book on The Beatles’ Can’t Buy Me Love. Flagrantly disregarding the word “budget,” Lucas feels that by throwing the baby, the bathwater, the soap AND the rubber ducky at audiences, it will buy him the love and respect he seems so desperately to be craving. STAR WARS: EPISODE II – ATTACK … Read More

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THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Poffy The Cucumber

The Bling’s The Thing. “Yeh, Woodstock – I was there.” What – as a pair of gametes in two people who were making out while watching Alvin Lee and Ten Years After, you 21 year old peach? Much like Woodstock, John Ronald Reuel Tolkein’s oeuvre has insinuated itself into First World vernacular and most Real Worlders – even if they … Read More

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PLANET OF THE APES 2001

Poffy The Cucumber

Monkey Pee, Monkey Poo. It’s Marky Mark’s PLANET OF THE APES! Viewing this Tim Burton 2001 remake of the 1968 Franklin J. Schaffner/Charlton Heston classic is much like visiting any given zoo: that ubiquitous whiff of feces on the air… 1st Scene: Chimpnaut blunders space-vehicle simulation, proving he’s not that smart from the outset. Marky Mark appears in shot without his characteristic … Read More

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