BLACK PANTHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Black EmPantherment. “Millions of years ago,” Movie narrates to us, “a special effects meteorite made of vibranium – the strongest substance in the universe – struck the special effects continent of Africa. Five special effects arms rise from the soil to represent the Five Tribes that would form the special effects country of Wakanda. A special effects panther god named … Read More

ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY

Poffy The Cucumber

Star Wars 3.5: Martyrs’ Crossing. It’s always the rogue that excites us… ROGUE ONE: A STARS WARS STORY is the bad boy of the STAR WARS universe. He turns up in his black charger with the heavy metal blaring and he makes our panties moist. Easily boasting the best production values of all the eight STAR WARS films to date, … Read More

ARRIVAL 2016

Poffy The Cucumber

Mind Encounters of the Close Kind. Unless I’m mistaken, she’s stuck in a time-loop, where extra-terrestrials, having arrived, affect her past, present and future… How do we say Hello? And how do we tell the stupid people of Earth to butt out of the conversation? ARRIVAL is an intelligent science fiction Möbius strip that speculates on the first contact between … Read More

TAKEN 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Someone should’ve TAKEN the director’s place. His wife is murdered. And his daughter doesn’t like the giant bear he bought for her birthday. For Liam Neeson, TAKEN 3 is just one tragedy after another. But not with his wife and daughter – with the director. It’s official: Olivier Megaton is the WORST ACTION DIRECTOR in history. He has no clue … Read More

THE LAST STAND

Poffy The Cucumber

Arnold’s Back! And he’s… uh, just a guy. He conquered Thulsa Doom, hunted down a Predator and terminated Terminators. Now, Arnold Schwarzenegger faces his greatest foe – a Spanish guy in a sports car. In THE LAST STAND, Arnold is affable Sheriff Bloaty who runs the bucolic town Last Stop Before Freedom with a neighborly pat on the behind. It’s … Read More

SPECIES

Poffy The Cucumber

Darwin never looked so good. It’s ALIEN with a spectacular pair of natural knockers. Designed by H.R. Giger – the alien species, not the knockers – a half-human, half-alien life form called Sil (Natasha Henstridge in her human form) escapes from a SETI facility and goes on a rampage fucking everyone. In the Biblical sense. And then fucking them in … Read More

VANTAGE POINT

Poffy The Cucumber

Point Of View Askew. In a town square in Salamanca, Spain, during a public address, the American President (William Hurt), is assassinated. In the ensuing furor, two bombs explode… And we roll our eyes: coulda seen that coming – the president was launching an initiative on counter-terrorism. VANTAGE POINT relates the tales of various players and onlookers in this incident … Read More

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND

Poffy The Cucumber

While watching this movie, comparison between the mad past President of Uganda and the mad current President of America becomes unavoidable. This review somehow skews into that of full-blooded political rant somewhere east of crazy town, where Cheney and Rice enjoy peaceful Middle Eastern town strolls with John McCain in Kevlar vests. Apologies. – Poffy the Cucumber. Acid Reign. No … Read More

PHENOMENON

Poffy The Cucumber

Battlefield Iowa. Long before John Travolta and Forest Whitaker turn Earth into a battlefield for L. Ron Hubbard in BATTLEFIELD EARTH, the Psychlos envoy (Travolta and his mildly-retarded lieutenant, Whitaker) inhabit a small midwestern American town, pretending to be human, in PHENOMENON. On his 37th birthday, Travolta sees lights in the sky – L. Ron Hubbard beaming down brain juice … Read More