LONDON HAS FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Secret Service Superman. LONDON HAS FALLEN follows in the same vein as its predecessor, OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN – a gritty actioner that puts the American president in peril, so his bromantic bodyguard can save him. The terrorists are winning again. Movie opens on a Middle Eastern wedding party near Pakistan, which is blown sky-high by an American missile, taking the … Read More

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE

Poffy The Cucumber

300: Rise of the Swoll. As Zack Snyder’s 300 covered the thrilling land battle of Sparta against Persia, Noam Murro’s 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE covers the concurrent sea battle. The boring sea battle. Oh, it still looks amazing, with the same ochre tint and album-cover pizzazz as Snyder’s epic, with that same filmic technique that lovingly embraces the crystalline … Read More

GODS OF EGYPT

Poffy The Cucumber

Who knew Ancient Egypt had so many special effects? Plot Flaw Alert Which No One Seems To Notice: In the visual gluttony called GODS OF EGYPT, evil god Set defeats virtuous god Horus by plucking out the source of Horus’s power – his eyes. Now Horus must go on a quest to retrieve his eyes, so that he can regain … Read More

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Stop Dragon my Bewilderbeast around. In HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2, Jay Baruchel returns as Hiccup the Viking with his small black dragon. And his pet named Toothless. In this sequel to 2010’s HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON, Hiccup faces off with an enemy attacking his village with a horde of dragons, and proves how wrong it is to … Read More

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

Poffy The Cucumber

Spanking the Dragon. Should I assume HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON is a sex manual on controlling premature ejaculation? Oh, a cartoon about a Viking boy that learns understanding and tolerance after befriending a dragon. (Still, that blond chick’s pretty hot for a cartoon; ‘scuse me while I train my dragon…) TRAIN YOUR DRAGON is Dreamworks, but like the greatest … Read More

MACHINE GUN PREACHER

Poffy The Cucumber

Rebel With A Cause. Chronicling the true story of an American religious convert in Sudan, MACHINE GUN PREACHER stars Gerard Butler as Sam Childers, a Pennsylvania ex-con who found his calling rescuing kidnapped children from militant terrorist mobs in Africa. It’s an incredible tale, commendable, inspiring, honorable, humane and laudable… … and by “laudable” I mean “Lord-able”… And that’s where … Read More

MOVIE 43

Poffy The Cucumber

Disgusting Inappropriate Filthy Hilarious Hellspawn Godsend. Specifically designed to make you call your Congressman and complain, MOVIE 43 will offend, distress, embarrass, infuriate, ejaculate, and give you anal warts. Not your average ensemble cast movie where everyone is trying to be more serious than their peers in order to win that Golden Globe, MOVIE 43 takes its A-Listers, jams them … Read More

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN

Poffy The Cucumber

DIE HARD in the White House. OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN but don’t worry – John McClane is there to– I mean, Gerard Butler is there to pick it back up again. North Korean terrorists take over the White House, and Secret Service Black Ops Special Forces Seal Team Ninja Mission Impossible Flames-Comin-Out-De-Side Agent Gerard Butler is the fly in the ointment, … Read More

THE UGLY TRUTH

Poffy The Cucumber

Uglier than we can imagine. THE UGLY TRUTH seems to be telling us that strong, intelligent women are not desirable, or at least, not as alluring as eye-candy T&A who exhibit only as much brainpower as required to breathe and fuck. Why does the movie make its leading lady an ambitious, intelligent, decisive woman until she is in the proximity … Read More

DRACULA 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Bloody Hell! There is one very provocative idea in DRACULA 2000 – all the rest is crap. The crap goes like this: In 2000, Dracula comes to New Orleans seeking the daughter of Van Helsing. Bland action movie ensues. Only redeeming factor is that every chick is groin-achingly hot. The provocative idea is that Dracula is not a warrior impaler … Read More

THE BOUNTY HUNTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Apathy on the Bounty. She hates him. He hates her. They drive each other crazy… Of COURSE they get back together; it’s a White American Romantic Comedy. Did you expect you’d have to use your brain to follow an actual plot or something? All I ask is that you don’t puke on my shoes. I’m having a hard enough time … Read More

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN

Poffy The Cucumber

…and Justice for none. Just as every cop is a criminal / And all the sinners saints. As heads is tails, just call me Lucifer / ‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint… — Sympathy For The Devil, The Rolling Stones. Handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser, I see a poster for LAW ABIDING CITIZEN and overhear the … Read More

ROCK N ROLLA

Poffy The Cucumber

High Voltage Rock n Roll. Another twisty, spanky, kablooey tale from the dirty messiah madman who gave us LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS (1998), Guy Ritchie, about expensive hoods, cheap hoods, indestructible hoods, Russian hoods, and a McGuffin painting that we never see that everyone wants. As with Ritchie’s other slambanging movies, describing the plot is a futile exercise, … Read More

300

Poffy The Cucumber

Body-shaved for Glory. That reminds me, I need to hit the gym. Some say 300 is as violent as Mel Gibson’s APOCALYPTO, but it’s not. 300 elevates violence to a new level – violence as art. Sure, APOCALYPTO and other movies that push the envelope on graphic pain could be construed as “art” – but only in 300 is the … Read More

TIMELINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Space-Time Continuum Saved by Surfer Dude & Community Theatre Actress. To call this movie “silly” would be an insult to silly movies. TIMELINE makes the execrable indecency of THE CORE look like a scientific masterpiece. With costumes borrowed from a traveling Renaissance Festival and actors borrowed from the local community theatre, even the brainless idiocy of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY … Read More