SHIN GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Renaissance Zilla. Written like a bullet train, directed like a fighter pilot, SHIN GODZILLA is the most compelling Godzilla film since the original 1954 Ishiro Honda production, GOJIRA! Considering there have been 32 Godzilla films since that first dambuster (34 if you count the American remakes GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS and GODZILLA 1985), I realize what a killa zilla … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Godzilla movie that doesn’t need Godzilla. In GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA, Godzilla’s name may be in the title, but he’s nothing but a bit player. The real star is King Caesar. When a mechanical-Godzilla starts destroying Japan, Godzilla gives it the ole college try to stop it, but is routed by Mechagodzilla’s lasers and sensual finger missiles. Enter the mythical … Read More

DESTROY ALL MONSTERS

Poffy The Cucumber

Destroy All Credibility! DESTROY ALL MONSTERS was planned as the last Godzilla film from Toho Company, which is why, we presume, legendary GOJIRA director Ishiro Honda, Just Doesn’t Give A Fuck anymore. After aliens called Kilaaks gain control of the monsters on Monster Island (translated as “Monster Land” in the English dub), forcing them to destroy Earth cities, Japanese scientists … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II

Poffy The Cucumber

Mechasaurian Dinogodz and their place in history. Godzilla takes on another Mechagodzilla, while a Baby Godzilla hatches from a Rodan egg. Rodan transfers his energy to Godzilla via a dry hump, and filmmakers try to squeeze it past us that these creatures are all related to dinosaurs. Yes, GODZILLA VS. MECHAGODZILLA II, the 20th Godzilla film and 5th serious Heisei … Read More

GODZILLA 1985

Poffy The Cucumber

Zilla versus Tokyo in a battle to the Burr. GODZILLA 1985 (released Aug 1985) is the American edit of the Japanese film THE RETURN OF GODZILLA (released in December 1984). First title card: Starring Raymond Burr. (Sigh… God, I hate American re-edits!) GODZILLA 1985 actually stars Ken Tanaka in the lead role, as the action man who bests Godzilla and … Read More

GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE

Poffy The Cucumber

Whole Lotta Rosie. Godzilla versus a giant mutating rose! And all gardening breaks loose!… GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE opens directly after events of the last film (THE RETURN OF GODZILLA, 1984, the first of the Heisei series), with Godzilla falling into a volcano and getting trapped. As with all the Heisei series, emphasis is on the pitfalls of genetics rather than … Read More

GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Crush-o, Kill-o, Dest-o-royah! Godzilla’s having a nuclear meltdown! GODZILLA VS. DESTOROYAH is the last of the Heisei series (that started with THE RETURN OF GODZILLA, 1984), and finds Godzilla battling a monster spawned from the weapon that killed the original Godzilla in 1954 – the Oxygen Destroyer! [dun dun daaah!] Subtitled “The Death Of Godzilla” (which should give you some … Read More

GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Tampering in Godz domain… Giant monster terrorizes Tokyo. From the depths of hell it came, roaring, spitting fire, destroying civilization; black of heart and devoid of empathy. And it probably had a really small brain too. It was called – The United States of America… People think they know Godzilla. Even you think you know Godzilla. No, you don’t. That … Read More

TERROR OF MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

The Tyranny of Evil Men… Mechagodzilla is re-forged by aliens, and Titanosaurus is mind-ruled by scientists, sent to kill Godzilla, who is ass-raped by moviemakers. Opening montage: oh shit! – the American version – we can tell immediately: an American narrator pisses his pants trying to sound cogent during a Boolshit Maximus montage that he is clearly making up as … Read More

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS

Poffy The Cucumber

Final Bores. GODZILLA: FINAL WARS – the movie where every single Godzilla enemy turns up to try out their new rubber suit design, and where each line of dialogue makes no sense in the context of the line just before it. It’s Godzilla’s 50th anniversary, his 29th film, and the 6th and final film in the Millennium series… and aliens … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

The Shark Jumpty Dance. GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO is a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits. It’s because even within the world of the movie – Nothing. Makes. Sense. This movie – like so many other “Godzilla movies” of … Read More

SON OF GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Baby moviemaking spawns baby monster. After taking forever to get to any kind of point, SON OF GODZILLA eventually settles into insulting our intelligence with a mindlessly boring story of a “baby Godzilla” hatching, and its mother?/father? Godzilla protecting it from predators and teaching it The Way Of The Rubber Suit. Shin’ichi Sekizawa proves his utter incompetence as a writer, … Read More

GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Raiding Places. The Sequel Too Scared To Be Called A Sequel. It’s a pity that the most promulgated and available versions of these old movies are those versions doctored by racist pigs and venal corporations. This version of GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN, the sequel to 1954’s GODZILLA, is the United States edit that was renamed GIGANTIS: THE FIRE MONSTER, with the … Read More

GODZILLA 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Rebooting the unbootable. Lotta talk on GODZILLA 2000 being Toho Company’s rejoinder to Tri-Star Pictures’ GODZILLA 1998 (directed by Roland Emmerich), the red-headed step-child of Godzilla canon. If you’re talking storyline, then they’re about the same dumbness, with 2000 cheating a little by borrowing many story elements from the original 1954 GODZILLA. If you’re talking acting, they’re still about the … Read More

GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Mega Godzilla! TITLE CARD Tateyama, Chiba Prefecture. A TV reporter being battered by driving rain, describing the tempest. Behind him, the sea roils. As he says, “It’s huge and getting bigger by the minute!” his crew stare gape-mouthed at what’s behind him, rising from the deep: a gigantic creature, spiked back, blackened skin, dinosaurian in aspect. CUT TO A shopkeeper … Read More

GHIDORAH: THE THREE HEADED MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Shooting laser beams at our balls. “The flying saucer people are obviously not going to arrive tonight.” The “Flying Saucer People”? Maybe that’s why. That’s one of the more sensible lines in GHIDORAH: THE THREE-HEADED MONSTER, another dimwitted Godzilla movie that brings together four – count ’em, four! – Japanese monsters to try and make a rip in each other’s … Read More

GODZILLA’S REVENGE

Poffy The Cucumber

The revenge is on US! Godzilla, King Of The Monsters, takes his revenge on us by acting in GODZILLA’S REVENGE and making us watch it, instead of letting us jump out a window to make the suffering end. Longtime Godzilla filmmakers, director Ishiro Honda and writer Shin’ichi Sekizawa, try to exonerate themselves from the execrable creature fights in this film … Read More

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Going Green with Big Green. Lost amidst the morass of camp Godzilla insults in the late ’60s and early ’70s, comes this ominous entry in the series, GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER (aka GODZILLA VERSUS HEDORAH); a real horror story, which doubles as one long Public Service Announcement against pollution. Japan’s waterways are so choked with sludge, and its smokestacks … Read More

GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Jumping the Sharkzilla. Extra-terrestrial alien cockroaches defeated by Japanese cartoonist! GODZILLA VS. GIGAN might have retained a semblance of watchability if it had continued the mystery thriller tone of its first act. Young Gengo (Hiroshi Ishikawa) is hired as a cartoonist by a new Children’s Park, that boasts a life-size replica of Godzilla as its office. He meets young Machiko … Read More

GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

Poffy The Cucumber

Cheese Doodles on Crazy Bread. By the release of GODZILLA VS. MEGALON, Godzilla movies had reached such a level of camp that nothing seemed too ridiculous to put onscreen any more. We are asked to accept such a level of idiocy by the filmmakers, it was anyone’s guess whether they were intentionally driving the franchise into the 1960’s BATMAN ditch, … Read More