GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO

Poffy The Cucumber

The Shark Jumpty Dance. GODZILLA VS. MONSTER ZERO is a perfect exemplar of why Godzilla movies are so bad. And – I know what you’re thinking – it’s NOT because of the guys in the rubber suits. It’s because even within the world of the movie – Nothing. Makes. Sense. This movie – like so many other “Godzilla movies” of … Read More

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SON OF GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Baby moviemaking spawns baby monster. After taking forever to get to any kind of point, SON OF GODZILLA eventually settles into insulting our intelligence with a mindlessly boring story of a “baby Godzilla” hatching, and its mother?/father? Godzilla protecting it from predators and teaching it The Way Of The Rubber Suit. Shin’ichi Sekizawa proves his utter incompetence as a writer, … Read More

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GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Raiding Places. The Sequel Too Scared To Be Called A Sequel. It’s a pity that the most promulgated and available versions of these old movies are those versions doctored by racist pigs and venal corporations. This version of GODZILLA RAIDS AGAIN, the sequel to 1954’s GODZILLA, is the United States edit that was renamed GIGANTIS: THE FIRE MONSTER, with the … Read More

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GODZILLA 2000

Poffy The Cucumber

Rebooting the unbootable. Lotta talk on GODZILLA 2000 being Toho Company’s rejoinder to Tri-Star Pictures’ GODZILLA 1998 (directed by Roland Emmerich), the red-headed step-child of Godzilla canon. (Maybe Godzilla would have been revived anyway, as there was a five-year hiatus since his demise in DESTOROYAH.) Insofar as comparing this 2000 version to 1998, the storyline is about the same level … Read More

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GODZILLA AGAINST MECHAGODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Mega Godzilla! TITLE CARD Tateyama, Chiba Prefecture. A TV reporter being battered by driving rain, describing the tempest. Behind him, the sea roils. As he says, “It’s huge and getting bigger by the minute!” his crew stare gape-mouthed at what’s behind him, rising from the deep: a gigantic creature, spiked back, blackened skin, dinosaurian in aspect. CUT TO A shopkeeper … Read More

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GHIDORAH: THE THREE HEADED MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Shooting laser beams at our balls. “The flying saucer people are obviously not going to arrive tonight.” The “Flying Saucer People”? Maybe that’s why. That’s one of the more sensible lines in GHIDORAH: THE THREE-HEADED MONSTER, another dimwitted Godzilla movie that brings together four – count ’em, four! – Japanese monsters to try and make a rip in each other’s … Read More

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GODZILLA’S REVENGE

Poffy The Cucumber

The revenge is on US! Godzilla, King Of The Monsters, takes his revenge on us by acting in GODZILLA’S REVENGE and making us watch it, instead of letting us jump out a window to make the suffering end. Longtime Godzilla filmmakers, director Ishiro Honda and writer Shin’ichi Sekizawa, try to exonerate themselves from the execrable creature fights in this film … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Going Green with Big Green. Lost amidst the morass of camp Godzilla insults in the late ’60s and early ’70s, comes this ominous entry in the series, GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER (aka GODZILLA VERSUS HEDORAH); a real horror story, which doubles as one long Public Service Announcement against pollution. Japan’s waterways are so choked with sludge, and its smokestacks … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. GIGAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Jumping the Sharkzilla. Extra-terrestrial alien cockroaches defeated by Japanese cartoonist! GODZILLA VS. GIGAN might have retained a semblance of watchability if it had continued the mystery thriller tone of its first act. Young Gengo (Hiroshi Ishikawa) is hired as a cartoonist by a new Children’s Park, that boasts a life-size replica of Godzilla as its office. He meets young Machiko … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. MEGALON

Poffy The Cucumber

Cheese Doodles on Crazy Bread. By the release of GODZILLA VS. MEGALON, Godzilla movies had reached such a level of camp that nothing seemed too ridiculous to put onscreen any more. We are asked to accept such a level of idiocy by the filmmakers, it was anyone’s guess whether they were intentionally driving the franchise into the 1960’s BATMAN ditch, … Read More

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KING KONG VS. GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

King Kong versus King Of The Monsters in a battle to the meh! It’s Halloween. One of your idiot friends is in an ape costume walking around upright like a human, not making the slightest attempt to emulate an ape, and another idiot friend is dressed as an alligator and his long tail has knocked over the snacks table more … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla as Destroyer, Godzilla as Savior, Godzilla as afterthought. Guerilla military installation on island, guarded by gigantic lobster, developing nuclear bomb, using slaves kidnapped from Mothra’s village; teens and a master thief shipwrecked, free the slaves, giant bird attack, lightning storm, nuclear explosions. Uh, and Godzilla. A Godzilla movie with an actual story! GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER boasts the … Read More

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GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla’s Mothman Chronicles. The laugh-out-loud moment in GODZILLA VS. MOTHRA: Mothra uses his tiny little mothy feet to grab Godzilla’s tail and fly backwards, dragging Godzilla backwards along the ground, while Godzilla claws for purchase. The strength of this fluffy Lepidopteran! It’s another fine day in Tokyo, meaning it’s soon going to be raining daikaiju. (Thank you Toho Company!) A … Read More

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GODZILLA 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

Kaiju in battle for Gojira-san so mighty oouaah! Giant creatures threaten San Francisco and Kick-Ass is there to stop them! GODZILLA 2014 reinvents reimagines regurgitates the King of the Monsters on American shores (and tries to take insidious credit for the property, with its “American Godzilla” tag – assholes!) Exemplary production values separate it from every single other GODZILLA movie … Read More

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