JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM

Poffy The Cucumber

Baba Yaga’s Bogus Journey. Faster than a speeding Bourne, more powerful than a Transporter, able to leap Chuck Norris in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky – it’s a Bond, it’s McClane, no, it’s – JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 – PARABELLUM! The unkillable killer returns in the undisputed Heavyweight Champeen Boys’ Movie of the Summer! If JOHN WICK … Read More

MOVIE 43

Poffy The Cucumber

Disgusting Inappropriate Filthy Hilarious Hellspawn Godsend. Specifically designed to make you call your Congressman and complain, MOVIE 43 will offend, distress, embarrass, infuriate, ejaculate, and give you anal warts. Not your average ensemble cast movie where everyone is trying to be more serious than their peers in order to win that Golden Globe, MOVIE 43 takes its A-Listers, jams them … Read More

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

Poffy The Cucumber

The Wolverine Show, Part VII. Wolverine goes back in time to unify the X-Men of the disco past to stop an event that brings into existence giant robots called Sentinels, who are systematically wiping out X-Men of the dystopian present. It’s a heart-gripping, tension-filled, magnificent, sprawling epic – that doesn’t make one lick of sense! X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST … Read More

CLOUD ATLAS

Poffy The Cucumber

Cloudy with a chance of Atlas. CLOUD ATLAS is six incredibly evocative movies mashed together to make one incredibly annoying one. It’s bolder than most movies, bigger than most, intelligent and well-produced, with epic sweep across past, present and future societies, with grandiose performances, seamless effects and what seems like a million hanging threads – until we realize CLOUD ATLAS is … Read More

X-MEN

Poffy The Cucumber

Mutation Elation. They gave superheroes a new reason to be super. X-MEN is the sometimes brooding, sometimes kick-ass, mostly campy filmic incarnation of a Marvel Comics series that added a new dimension to “super” heroes. It doesn’t quite outline the first generation of Professor Xavier’s “X-Men” but it comes close enough to raise the hairs on our bushy berserker sideburns. … Read More

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND

Poffy The Cucumber

X-eunt in X-asperation. Action without heart. Spectacle without logic. Brawn without brains. Director Brett Ratner balances on Bryan Singer’s shoulders, attempting to hold up the mutant world Singer so reverently rendered in X-MEN (2000) and X-MEN UNITED (2003). But he falls off – and helms X-MEN: THE LAST STAND, the third in the x-franchise, with as much reverence and talent … Read More

CATWOMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Pussy Galore. Halle Berry brings her cat scratch fever to bear upon corporate villainy and meddling-cop lovers alike in CATWOMAN, with the style of an Egyptian priestess oozing Western sadomasochismo; a puss in boots by any other name. Strictly Felis silvestris, no doggy-style for this feline. The MPAA prove beyond a doubt that they are so blunt-skulled as to be … Read More

X2: X-MEN UNITED

Poffy The Cucumber

X-traordinary. In X2: X-MEN UNITED, the two factions of warring mutants we met in X-MEN (2000) unite against a common enemy: homo sapiens. And all genetic babbling breaks loose… The “good” mutants (the ones tagged with the X-Men epithet) are Professor X (Patrick Stewart), Cyclops, Jean Grey, Storm, Wolverine, Iceman and Rogue (joined by additional cast, Nightcrawler and Colossus); the … Read More