WONDER WOMAN 2017

Poffy The Cucumber

Superman in a bra. Thighs shaved smoother than a cucumber. Cupid-bow lips. Armored breast. Screenings for Lesbians Only. The first ever feature film for the DC superhero WONDER WOMAN has already caused its fare share of controversy and orgasm. It seems as if critics are only lauding this Patty Jenkins-directed film for fear of retribution from the female gender, and … Read More

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

Poffy The Cucumber

Dawn of the Golden Age of Superhero Movies. …if Jesus was alive today and walked on water, it would be instantly on YouTube… And the first Comment would be: “Fag.” — Bill Maher. There is a scene in BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE where Batman turns a corner in his Batmobile and runs headlong into Superman blocking him in … Read More

THE LONE RANGER 2013

Poffy The Cucumber

 A stranger Ranger. The Lone Ranger (in radio, television and film) has made Gioachino Rossini’s galloping theme so famous that the term “intellectual” has been defined as “a man who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” — Wikipedia. No one’s a stranger to the Ranger. Popular in entertainment media since the 1930s, if … Read More

CHAPPIE

Poffy The Cucumber

Slumdog versus Wolverine in REAL STEEL 2: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE BOOGALOO. Another day, another dystopian future. Neill Blomkamp IS the new Terry Gilliam. CHAPPIE is his third crazed metal masterpiece, pitting idealistic slumdog against capitalistic wolverine. In 2016 (yup, “The Future”!) Johannesburg is the first city in the world to instigate an all-robot police force; humanoid in appearance, unthinking, unfeeling, undiscerning, … Read More

INTERSTELLAR

Poffy The Cucumber

Odyssey Three: When Surfer Dudes Boldly Go… In his 2014 Oscar speech, Matthew McConaughey told us his hero was “himself, in ten years’ time.” Everyone thought he was a narcissistic jackass. Until INTERSTELLAR, when he travels to the future through a wrinkle in time and meets – himself! Standing lofty on the shoulders of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY and CONTACT, … Read More

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS

Poffy The Cucumber

Too mysterious for its own smart. SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS is director Guy Ritchie’s brash, bombastic, brainy and body-shaved sequel to his 2009 SHERLOCK HOLMES. Holmes (Robert Downey Jr.) takes on Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris) in a battle as much to do with wits as hits. Along with friend, confidant and eternally disgruntled crimefighting partner Dr. Watson (Jude … Read More

MAN OF STEEL

Poffy The Cucumber

Kneel Before Steel. Darkness, moral ambiguity, self-doubt, wearing underpants inside the trousers: these are things not commonly associated with Superman. But in MAN OF STEEL, the newest Superman vehicle, this heretical new direction is what we get – like it or not. But Poffy likey. The bedrock of Superman canon has been preserved (Krypton exploding, Kal-El sent to Earth, super … Read More

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Highway to the Ambivalent Zone. Exciting? Yes. Stupid? Impossibly. Super spy Ethan Hunt (an incredibly smug Tom Cruise) must stop villain Sean Ambrose (Dougray Scott) from spreading a genetically modified disease in Australia. Taking his cues from every reputable pharm corporation, Ambrose wants to spread the Chimera virus in order to sell the cure, called Bellerophon, buying enough stocks in … Read More

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

Poffy The Cucumber

Yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum Diary. Here we are now! Entertain us! — Nirvana, “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” So I’m sitting there wondering how another PIRATES movie could have the audacity to rear its skull and crossbones, let alone Johnny Depp reprising his transvestite role yet again with any shred of interest from either him or the … Read More

THE DILEMMA

Poffy The Cucumber

Bromantic comedy with a medieval aftertaste. No one knows the right thing to do – especially not director Ron Howard (THE DA VINCI CODE) – when a man sees his best friend’s wife secretly having an affair, in the half-comedy, half-drama, all-indecisive THE DILEMMA. Ronny (Vince Vaughn) is paired with Beth (Jennifer Connelly) and Nick (Kevin James) is married to … Read More

INCEPTION

Poffy The Cucumber

Dreaming in Black and Baby Blue. Who was it that said, “Leo is soooo dreamy”? Everyone. So what’s all the fuss over INCEPTION? It’s Leo being dreamy; that is, appearing in people’s dreams. And hasn’t Leo appeared in ALL our dreams at some point? Ahem! Onward… Written, produced and directed by Christopher Nolan, INCEPTION proves once again that while everyone … Read More

IT’S COMPLICATED

Poffy The Cucumber

Glengarry Glen Ruse. Writer-director Nancy Meyers discovers in her late 50s what all men realize in their early 20s – that you can ALWAYS go back to previous panty. And it’s not wrong or right or immoral or unethical. As long as you do it behind everyone’s back. Alec Baldwin shows us how to Always Be Closing in IT’S COMPLICATED, … Read More

NINE MONTHS

Poffy The Cucumber

What a miscarriage! NINE MONTHS is about an expectant couple. To borrow a tagline from a Jeff Goldblum movie: Be afraid. Be very afraid. If the inanity doesn’t kill you, the stupidity will. NINE MONTHS opens with Samuel and Rebecca (Hugh Grant and Julianne Moore) on a beach, assessing their couplehood, Samuel deciding he is happy, Rebecca intimating she is … Read More

SHERLOCK HOLMES 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

The Adventure of the Hero’s Rebirth. Guy Ritchie’s SHERLOCK HOLMES is not quite a reimagining of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s infamous British detective; more like a punch in the face. An analytical punch in the face. I’ll admit I’m not a Sherlock Holmes aficionado. Matter of fact, of the lifetime of books I’ve devoured like a balrog (and sometimes like … Read More

SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE

Poffy The Cucumber

Something’s gotta give – Jack’s heart, Diane’s hips, or my patience. Two white, upper class American senior citizens are thrown together, hate each other, and eventually fall in love. State of romantic comedy in America… yawn. Erica (Diane Keaton) hates Harry (Jack Nicholson) because he dates her daughter (Amanda Peet), and he demeans her for being stuck-up. He owns record … Read More

TRUE ROMANCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Delicious Vicious, Frantic Romantic. A brazen thug-fest, played like an adventure story for boys. Tony Scott (TOP GUN, DAYS OF THUNDER) directs TRUE ROMANCE, but it’s got Quentin Tarantino‘s stank all over it – delicious dialogue juggled with vicious gun play. Though Tarantino is listed only as “writer,” TRUE ROMANCE seems to be the middle child of what could be … Read More

ANGELS AND DEMONS

Poffy The Cucumber

Dopey Popey. Another fine mess the Catholic Church has gotten us into! Tom Hanks returns in ANGELS & DEMONS as Robert Langdon, atheist symbologist from THE DA VINCI CODE (2006), a little trimmer, a little wiser, a little more action man and a little less Vitruvian Man. The Pope has just died and the archbishops next in line to be … Read More

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

Poffy The Cucumber

Shiver me fey timbers. Johnny Depp as some kind of transvestite, in a swinging, swordfighting fey-quest over the high seas of The Caribbean, with Orlando Bloom as his blacksmith girlfriend, and Geoffrey Rush as a grumpy old man in a Halloween pirate costume. Keira Knightley’s square man-jaw causes untold distraction; Jonathan Pryce gads about in a wig slightly smaller than … Read More

AS GOOD AS IT GETS

Poffy The Cucumber

A man-size Jack in a girl-size film. Saw this movie at the cinema with a male friend. We were two men – men who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. And AS GOOD AS IT GETS blindsided us. The marketing was smart. Yes, Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson were probably going to end … Read More

PEARL HARBOR

Poffy The Cucumber

Pearl Before Swine. In garish detail and stunning investigative probing, PEARL HARBOR digs deep below the surface of the gasoline embargoes and jingoistic fomenting and reveals exactly what this WWII conflict was all about – the love triangle between three young American Models. You see, Ben loves Kate. And Kate loves Ben. But Ben’s best friend, Josh, also likes Kate. … Read More