MOONFALL 2022

Poffy The Cucumber

…and we thought ARMAGEDDON was devoid of science. MOONFALL is Roland Emmerich’s latest disaster– I mean, disaster movie. The Moon de-orbits toward Earth, and only a conspiracy theorist can save the day! Thanks for giving conspiracy asshats a platform, Roland! John Bradley is the conspiracy nut, KC, whose wildest theories about the Moon being a megastructure built by aliens are … Read More

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2012

Poffy The Cucumber

And he’ll have fun fun fun ’til his daddy takes the CG away… As disaster movies go, 2012 is definitely the big one. I mean, how do you outrun the world? An inordinately large neutrino burst from the sun causes the Earth to break, and creates much employment for special effects companies. Also, the planets in our solar system have … Read More

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10,000 B.C.

Poffy The Cucumber

Mammoth Mistake. Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C. is such an authentic and realistic portrayal of primitive man, it is clear he did all his research by watching THE FLINTSTONES. I never knew a movie could annoy me from its first minute. It is 10,000 B.C. A camera pans down on a prehistoric village – and a “narrator” starts – not just … Read More

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AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

Poffy The Cucumber

AVP: Audience Versus Padding. The question is not whether an “Alien” can overcome a “Predator” (ignorant semantics, as the two non-human species in this film are both “aliens” and “predators”); the real battle is pitting the movie’s Audience against its interminable Padding scenes. Can – we – survive? With my leg bloodied from the onslaught and a gaping wound in … Read More

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