MEG 2: THE TRENCH

Poffy The Cucumber

Scraping the bottom of the trench. Jason Statham gets ONE semi-hearted jutsu scene at the beginning of MEG 2: THE TRENCH, then it’s just a dumb fish movie from there… If you want a shark movie that’s stupid, try SHARKNADO. For a shark movie that’s boring, try THE MEG. If you want a shark movie that’s boring AND stupid, then … Read More

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THE MEG

Poffy The Cucumber

MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) vs. MMA (Massive Marine Animal). Marine biologists unwittingly unleash a prehistoric Megalodon shark from under the Mariana Trench, and only one thing can stop it – Mixed Martial Arts. Well, not really – this movie is not the finesse of opening a bottle-cap with a spinning side-kick, it’s much more big and blunt. In the stupid … Read More

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THE EQUALIZER 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

The Black TAKEN, featuring Home Depot Man. A retired black ops hitman, trying to blend into quiet suburban life by being a clerk at a hardware store, must use his “particular set of skills” to help a prostitute with a heart of gold. THE EQUALIZER (based loosely on the 1985 TV series of the same name, starring Edward Woodward) might … Read More

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THE MARTIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Home Alone 6: Kevin on Mars. Well, he’s not really a Martian. He’s an Earthling. And he’s overstaying his visit on Mars without a Green Card. Stranded, with not enough supplies to survive until the next crew arrives, astronaut Mark Watley quips: “I’m gonna have to Science the shit out of this!” THE MARTIAN is a striking, intelligent film, from … Read More

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COWBOYS AND ALIENS

Poffy The Cucumber

A shallow ripple in the Force. Is COWBOYS AND ALIENS a boring western movie, or a clichéd alien invasion movie? At some point, I wondered whether it was just a tax write-off for Steven Spielberg, who seems to have phoned in his producer’s credit on this one. At least he hired Han Solo. A cowboy (Daniel Craig) wakes in the … Read More

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UNSTOPPABLE

Poffy The Cucumber

Train-ing Day. “In training they just give you an ‘F.’ Out here you get killed!” — Denzel in UNSTOPPABLE. Didn’t Denzel say that in his Oscar-winning TRAINING DAY? Same thing applies here in UNSTOPPABLE, a kinetic, racing steel headrush about an out-of-control, unmanned freight train a half-mile long, loaded with explosives, headed for the city of Pennsylvania. And only Denzel … Read More

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THE TOWN

Poffy The Cucumber

A Tale of Two Townies. On the one hand, THE TOWN seems to be the movie Ben Affleck wanted to make with GONE BABY GONE – a tough, suspenseful actioner with enough lonely heart to drive it to a tragic climax; on the other hand, Affleck bows to numerous conventions that rob the movie of originality. Yet as director, co-screenwriter … Read More

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CHICKEN RUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Eggs over easy. THE GREAT ESCAPE meets KFC. Creator Nick Park brings his WALLACE AND GROMIT stop-motion skills to the chicken coop, with CHICKEN RUN, a cutesy claymation adventure set in a British farmyard where a group of chickens are trying to escape Tweedy’s Farm, whose owner has just purchased a pie-making machine that makes… chicken pies! The chickens enlist … Read More

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THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN

Poffy The Cucumber

The Chronic Kills of Narnia: Prince Hasbeen. Has stupider become the new darker? Everyone thrills at describing how PRINCE CASPIAN, the second movie in THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA series, is “darker” than its predecessor, THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE (2005). But they lost me at pasty, delicate, British kids playing pretend “warriors.” I’m just not buying any of … Read More

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X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE

Poffy The Cucumber

Claws I Said So. What amazes about that boy Wolverine is that over a century of storied adventures, traveling the world, fighting numerous battles, through changing trends and technological advances, he manages to keep that same funky Astro Boy hairstyle. I’ve lost track of all the “authorized” Marvel Comics origin tales and “official” timelines of Wolverine/Logan, although I remember enough … Read More

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THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 2009

Poffy The Cucumber

Rocking the remake rails. An organized gang of criminals led by Ryder (John Travolta) takes hostage a New York subway train, and train dispatcher Walter Garber (Denzel Washington) must talk them down. Brian Helgeland screenwrites and Tony Scott (TOP GUN, TRUE ROMANCE, MAN ON FIRE) directs this remake of the 1974 film of the same name, THE TAKING OF PELHAM … Read More

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THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE

Poffy The Cucumber

The Lyin,’ the Snitch and the Whored Road. Four bloodless, pasty-white British kids on an adventure in a magical wardrobe. When I was 13, I loved the C.S. Lewis book so madly that I forced my mother to read it on the train on her way to work every day. Fast forward thirty years, I knew the film version of … Read More

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TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE

Poffy The Cucumber

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Of the heroes. TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE: saving the world from terrorism… whether we like it or not. It’s like THUNDERBIRDS for assholes. Once again the SOUTH PARK instigators (Trey Parker and Matt Stone) steer into the curve with a raunchy, revolutionary, incitant comedy gem. With R-Rated puppets! The Team America counter-terrorism “freedom fighters” (runway … Read More

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THE NUMBER 23

Poffy The Cucumber

The Number of the Least. It just don’t add up! Numerology – utter coincidence coupled with utter stupidity. Try telling that to the EVP fake-moon-landing 9/11-conspiracy empath-candle what’s-your-sign bible-thumping bobbleheads. When dogcatcher Walter Sparrow (Jim Carrey) reads a mysterious book called The Number 23, he begins to realize how much the number 23 figures in his life, from his birth … Read More

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GONE BABY GONE

Poffy The Cucumber

View to a Hammock. Casey Affleck (Ben’s bro) stars in this controlled, sober, slightly disturbing thriller. From a novel by Dennis Lehane, Ben Affleck makes gravy in his directorial debut, about a redneck daughter’s kidnapping on the mean streets of Boston. And how his sleepwalking brother saves the day. Surrounded by intrigue and Ed Harris as a detective and Morgan … Read More

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