INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2

Poffy The Cucumber

In-Silly-ous. Taking for granted the world has seen INSIDIOUS, writer Leigh Whannell and co-writer/director James Wan drop us into INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2 like step-children being dropped off in the woods to fend for ourselves or die. If you haven’t seen INSIDIOUS, you’re in for a treat of characters you don’t know appearing in places you never saw doing things you … Read More

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL

Poffy The Cucumber

Comedic Horror or Horrible Comedy? Fade in on black. A woman’s scream pierces the blackness; the type of screechy eyeball-rattling scream that is so annoying it makes you NOT want to save the woman… So opens the haunted house horror-comedy HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL, the most terrifyi— wait, is the house haunted or is it the hill? Cos if it’s … Read More

OCULUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Illusion Occlusion. It’s all done with mirrors! A haunted mirror. A spinner redhead. A ship’s anchor. Things in a chilling, original, truly eerie horror movie. Is it real, or is it OCULUS? There is no escape from what you think you see. Kinda like TMZ. Feisty Kaylie Russell (Karen Gillan) tries to destroy an antique mirror from her childhood, claiming … Read More

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

Poffy The Cucumber

True Horror: no budget! Give a shout out to marketing. And synergy. Internet in its infancy, Reality TV exploding, indie film, unknown actors, creation of a new genre (“found footage”) – THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT hit the sweet spot of horror movie history during a perfect storm of cultural upheaval. Filmed for a buck-forty-five on hand held cameras with three … Read More

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE

Poffy The Cucumber

Not dead the way you know it. He is with us always. Not dead the way you know it. MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE is to movies what a car accident with a head in the street is to traffic. Untold tragedy. People die. Lives change. No, that’s not the car accident – that’s from watching MANOS. But you cannot … Read More

RODAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Godzilla with wings. Prehistoric Pteranodon destroys Japanese city. Military weapons have no effect on it. Burying it under a volcano works though. Such is the prosaic plot behind RODAN, a Japanese monster movie made while Godzilla wasn’t looking. The movie itself has its strong points, due to the talent involved – literally, the full team that brought us the original … Read More

GODZILLA

Poffy The Cucumber

Tampering in Godz domain… Giant monster terrorizes Tokyo. From the depths of hell it came, roaring, spitting fire, destroying civilization; black of heart and devoid of empathy. And it probably had a really small brain too. It was called – The United States of America… People think they know Godzilla. Even you think you know Godzilla. No, you don’t. That … Read More

I, FRANKENSTEIN

Poffy The Cucumber

Frankenstein’s Glamster. I, FRANKENSTEIN finds Frankenstein’s Monster in the modern world (which still resembles a big and brash medieval fantasy), immortal, an outsider caught in a war between two immortal clans – the Gargoyles and the Demons – that could damn the fate of humankind… if only humankind gave a toss. Aaron Eckhart, ripped like a bridge cable, is the … Read More

THE HAUNTING 1999

Poffy The Cucumber

The terror of bad direction, editing and acting. Not to be confused with THE HAUNTING OF HELL HOUSE, released in the same year, THE HAUNTING is the tiresome, overlong, yawnfest remake of the 1960 movie of the same name. The only reason it’s terrifying is that it illustrates how low the bar for horror movies has sunk. Dr. Marrow (Liam … Read More

BIGFOOT 2012

Poffy The Cucumber

Big Foot In Mouth. Greg Brady and Danny Partridge face off in a battle over BIGFOOT! The horror, the unmitigated horror – of watching Danny Bonaduce (aka Danny Partridge) trying to find a facial expression besides Douche No. 3. He’s Harley Anderson, a radio talk-show host who clears 50 acres of forest to hold a rock festival. Barry Williams (aka … Read More

GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER

Poffy The Cucumber

Going Green with Big Green. Lost amidst the morass of camp Godzilla insults in the late ’60s and early ’70s, comes this ominous entry in the series, GODZILLA VS. THE SMOG MONSTER (aka GODZILLA VERSUS HEDORAH); a real horror story, which doubles as one long Public Service Announcement against pollution. Japan’s waterways are so choked with sludge, and its smokestacks … Read More

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIA

Poffy The Cucumber

“I see black people!” Five minutes into THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIA, I was exhausted. Every ten seconds director Tom Elkins is blasting us with glitchy special effects. In lieu of horror. Tom thinks that the title card Based On a True Story is enough to scare the bejesus out of us. He’s right: I, for one, … Read More

WORLD WAR Z

Poffy The Cucumber

World War ZGI. The first interesting zombie movie ever made in the history of cinema! I hate zombie movies. Tedious, repetitive, unimaginative. Shuffle, grab, shoot, run, shuffle, grab, shoot, run, block doorway with hands grabbing through gap. Repeat. Okay okay, I get it! Discounting well-made black comedies (SHAUN OF THE DEAD, WARM BODIES, ZOMBIELAND), zombie movies that take themselves seriously … Read More

THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Gruesome, gory, and oh so cute. THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE is the indie sequel to BUNNYMAN (2011), continuing the gore-fest in the grand tradition of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974), except the skin-mask has been replaced by a bunny head. And really, really bad acting. Bunnyman (Joshua Lang, attired in constant bunny suit) goes on a killing rampage somewhere in the … Read More

THEM!

Poffy The Cucumber

Anty Heroes. Giant ants – irradiated by atomic bomb testing – overrun the Californian desert, and big white Californian men are there to save the day. In 1954, atomic power and its “radiation” was the driving device behind 10,000 shitty B-movies. THEM! is one of them. What sets it apart is that director Gordon Douglas and the cast are taking … Read More

MOTHMAN

Poffy The Cucumber

Like a Moth to a Lame… In MOTHMAN, the eponymous man-moth returns to the small town of Point Pleasant to avenge a murder that has gone unpunished. And all cheap special effects break loose. A group of Point Pleasant teens accidentally kill one of their own on a camping trip. Instead of alerting the authorities to what was a prank … Read More

DAYBREAKERS

Poffy The Cucumber

I vont tu harvest yor blud. Imagine a world where the vampires won. They’ve taken over. Everything. They have overrun every facet of “normal” society. Except they are the normals now: the corporate executives, the managers, the laborers and cubicles, the military and infrastructure; they work in supermarkets, in advertising, in agriculture; they are the cops, the criminals and the … Read More

THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD

Poffy The Cucumber

Humans Bigger Dicks Than Aliens. An American Arctic outpost, complete with built-in misogyny, racism, a smartass reporter and military drogues, encounter an extra-terrestrial alien with the constitution of a carrot. And sauté it. Kinda directed by Howard Hawks (in some goofy mixup, where Christian Nyby is instead credited as director), from a short story by John W. Campbell (Who Goes … Read More

SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR

Poffy The Cucumber

Once Upon a Terrifying Time… SNOW WHITE: A TALE OF TERROR has the potential to be one of the great revisionist re-tellings of the original Grimm Fairy Tale, but, like BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, suffers from inauthentic sets, TV production values and bad editing. And big dwarfs. As the title suggests, it’s the age-old German folk tale of Snow White (tabulated … Read More

PRIMAL 2010

Poffy The Cucumber

Fear and Loathing and Shark-Teeth. It’s like bad-delicious candy. You know it’s not healthy, it’s not educational, and it will probably destroy a few brain cells. But you eat it anyway. It’s PRIMAL. This bad-delicious Aussie candy is mindless, gory, indie – and effective. Six college-age kids visit an Aboriginal rock-painting deep in the Australian bush; cut off from civilization, … Read More