THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN

Poffy The Cucumber

Moore suave, Moore sexual, Moore savage! Roger Moore slams into his second thrilling James Bond 007 actioner, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (from the 12th Bond novel by Ian Fleming, publ. 1965), targeted by the world’s most expensive hitman, who is plotting to hold the world hostage to the golden sun. Cold open on the million-dollar hitman, Scaramanga. (Christopher … Read More

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

Poffy The Cucumber

Stupid is as James Bond does. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER is one of those movies where you can’t get over the stupid! This film makes us wonder whether author Ian Fleming ever plotted his novels so badly. We place half the blame on director Guy Hamilton, who brought us the turgid stupid of GOLDFINGER, and half the blame on screenwriter Richard … Read More

ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

Poffy The Cucumber

This never happened to the other fella… Bond versus Blofeld, who threatens to wipe out life on Earth – with a virus! (That word, that concept, has taken on different worlds of meaning in 2020!) new bond: lazenby, george lazenby The end titles of YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE promised: “James Bond will return in ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE”… And … Read More

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

Poffy The Cucumber

…but you get endless chances to escape… James Bond in Japan! Pretending to be Japanese! It’s as horrifyingly racist as you think. And then some. When Jerry Lewis imitated an Asian, he used to squint his eyes, put in buck teeth and bow a lot. It was a broad hilarious caricature – but it was racist as hell, though probably … Read More

THUNDERBALL

Poffy The Cucumber

Thunder-belles and Shirtless Sean! I lost track of how many women James Bond bangs in this movie. Is that why they call it THUNDERBALL? Truly, THUNDERBALL features the best-looking collective female cast of any Bond adventure! And there is not one standout beauty – they’re all stunners! The Blond Nurse, The Sisterly Agent, The Villain’s Naif, and The Redhead Slut. … Read More

GOLDFINGER

Poffy The Cucumber

BUTTERFINGER, or, The Case For Firing 007. There are two mentions of “008” in GOLDFINGER. Are we being reminded of James Bond 007 being dispensable? Or is it because in this third outing (from the 7th Bond novel by Ian Fleming), Bond keeps proving how terrible he is at his job? Consider, from this film: how easy it is to … Read More

LIVE AND LET DIE

Poffy The Cucumber

That voodoo that Bond do so well. What does it matter to ya? When you got a job to do, you gotta do it well. You got to give the other fella hell! — “Live And Let Die” – Wings James Bond 007 takes on a heroin kingpin and his voodoo priestess, infuriating the kingpin when he grabs the priestess … Read More

DIE ANOTHER DAY

Poffy The Cucumber

Diamonds are endeavor. A megalomaniac designs a satellite to harness the sun’s power. And James Bond is there to rain on his parade. Cold Open Pretty Orange Explosion Zone: James Bond 007 (Pierce Brosnan, in his 4th and final turn as the superspy) surfs some rad waves into North Korea (reflecting the tenor of the times, no more Russians), infiltrating … Read More

THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

Poffy The Cucumber

Rich people wanting richer. Another villain with a bomb. Another hero who must defuse it. That’s what the twisty confusing plot boils down to in the James Bond actioner THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. The cold open features a rather tame, though humorous, escape for a Bond movie, as Bond easily rappels down an office building (tied around a man’s … Read More

TOMORROW NEVER DIES

Poffy The Cucumber

When even Fake News was ethical. James Bond versus Fox News! And all disinformation breaks loose! Pierce Brosnan returns as James Bond 007 against Jonathan Pryce as Roger Ailes of Fox News—wait, sorry, Brit-evil Pryce is actually media mogul Elliot Carver, who goes to all the trouble of creating a stealth ship, stockpiling it with missiles of different nations, and … Read More

GOLDENEYE

Poffy The Cucumber

Out with the smug. In with the smugger. The codes of a destructive satellite named GOLDENEYE have been stolen by Russian traitors working with a British traitor, Agent 006, who plans to use Goldeneye’s electromagnetic pulses to cause a global financial meltdown. James Bond must defeat the stronger agent, thwart the runaway satellite, and bang the Russian hotness. new bond: … Read More

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Poffy The Cucumber

From Russia With Leering. James Bond 007 returns in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, the first sequel to the first ever James Bond movie, DR. NO. (The 1956 book of the same name was Ian Fleming‘s 5th novel to feature James Bond.) And it is… uh… I don’t know how to break it to you Bond fans, but try to sit … Read More

SPECTRE

Poffy The Cucumber

Same old Bond! What did you ex-spectre? James Bond 007 discovers the looming nemesis dogging his every move since he was in spy-nappies; the criminal organization for expensive suits and limited edition sportscars – SPECTRE! Daniel Craig, in his fourth outing as James Bond, looks old and makes me tired. French flamehair Léa Seydoux is Madeleine Swann, resident Bond Girl … Read More

DR. NO

Poffy The Cucumber

Vote No on NO. It will always be a problem introducing the world to a new Bond. When Sean Connery was hired, it was a disaster because it wasn’t David Niven. – Barbara Broccoli. DR. NO takes a long time to get going. And by ‘get going’ I mean Ursula Andress in her granny-panty bikini. Back when chicks were called … Read More

SKYFALL

Poffy The Cucumber

Bond-fall. James Bond returns in SKYFALL – and is immediately killed… Trending in movies: heroes do not just fall – everything they know is compromised; everything that makes them a hero is called into question. They fall from the greatest height possible (is this the play on words in sky fall?), to make their rise all the more sexy (as … Read More

CASINO ROYALE 2006

Poffy The Cucumber

Old Spy, New World, Tight Arse. International espionage will never be the same. It is now certifiably MAN-HOT. new bond: craig, daniel craig Last seen in London baking a LAYER CAKE (2004) and again in MUNICH (2005) ineptly gunning for terrorists, hawk-eye intense Daniel Craig is now the once and future James Bond. “Re-imagining” has become a dirty word, but … Read More