THE DISASTER ARTIST

Poffy The Cucumber

The best movie ever made about the worst movie ever made. And one man’s worst performance becomes another man’s best performance. Adept actor James Franco plays inept actor Tommy Wiseau in THE DISASTER ARTIST, a good film about the making of the bad film THE ROOM. In 2003, atrocious writer-director-actor Tommy Wiseau released THE ROOM, a poorly-written, artlessly-directed, badly-acted piece … Read More

ALIEN: COVENANT

Poffy The Cucumber

In space, no one can hear you mandroid. Back in 1979, ALIEN was all about the Aliens. Now it’s about the mandroids. And no wonder. The resident mandroid in ALIEN: COVENANT is Michael Fassbender. And haven’t I always effused over Michael Fassbender’s magnetic onscreen presence? Unwittingly or not, he has become the focal point of the modern ALIEN saga. Since … Read More

SNL 40

Poffy The Cucumber

Celebrating 40 Years of Stunning Mediocrity. The American comedy institution SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE continues its tradition of not being funny, by throwing a 40th Anniversary Special and not being funny. SNL 40 is not only Not Funny, it’s embarrassing, pathetic and painful. Why do these people put themselves through this? Why do they put US through this? Why do audiences … Read More

THE INTERVIEW 2014

Poffy The Cucumber

The Propaganda Never Starts… Two American talk show numbnuts score an interview with the dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, and try to assassinate him in the process. It’s THE INTERVIEW, banned by everyone gutless enough to believe the threats of North Korean nationalist hackers who said they would bomb theaters that screened it. How they planned to do that … Read More

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Poffy The Cucumber

A planet where apes evolved from James Franco? PLANET OF THE APES (1968) was about a man trying to find himself in an Apes’ world; RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is about an ape trying to find himself in a Man’s world. Dispensing with all the Tim Burton monkey business, RISE is a sober and epic thriller on … Read More

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

Poffy The Cucumber

Follow the yellow slick road… An origin tale of how a sideshow charlatan becomes the Wizard of Oz, OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL is as wondrous and exciting as the film that inspired it, which means it is kaleidoscopically trippy and makes no sense. In 1905 sepia-toned Kansas, James Franco is carnival magician Oscar Diggs, a womanizing narcissist, swept away … Read More

THIS IS THE END

Poffy The Cucumber

The Apocalypse is Upon Us… and it’s at James Franco’s house. Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel drop in at James Franco’s housewarming party in Hollywood – just in time for The Apocalypse. THIS IS THE END is a laugh-a-minute, self-referential, absurdist, end-of-the-world comedy starring Rogen, Baruchel, Franco, Jonah Hill, Craig Robinson and Danny McBride – as themselves. Innumerable other dynamic, … Read More

YOUR HIGHNESS

Poffy The Cucumber

Their Lowness. The trailers fooled us with witty asides and raunchy innuendo, but YOUR HIGHNESS is a fast-paced slow-brainer for people who like to hear swear words unsurrounded by actual comedy. Not only sophomoric – uninvolving and uncomfortably devoid of laughs, with sloppy, predictable writing, direction and story; Danny McBride at his unfunniest as a slacker prince; James Franco as … Read More

127 HOURS

Poffy The Cucumber

Arm-ageddon. Pain – is such a rush! This – is pain! Fabulous! — Brad from BACHELOR PARTY. Betcha when Aron Ralston started his canyon hike that Saturday morning, he didn’t think that by 10 a.m. he’d be swimming in a subterranean cavern with two hot chicks, that by Wednesday he’d be drinking his own urine and that by Thursday he’d … Read More

DATE NIGHT

Poffy The Cucumber

A night to (kinda) remember. DATE NIGHT is an adequate comedy with exactly three high points, about married couple Phil and Claire (Steve Carell and Tina Fey) in a rut; unrewarding jobs, three kids, no sex. On one of their regular Date Nights, they raunch it up a little by going into the city of Manhattan for dinner; at a … Read More

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

Poffy The Cucumber

The Fast Track to Brotherly J. Well, it in’t MIDNIGHT EXPRESS. Welcome to the new edge of comedy. There’s something very brave about Judd Apatow/Seth Rogen films – how they eschew Hollywood protocol and make their leading men (their male leads) each other’s love interest! Not gay. Love, you prurient, fundamentalist bigots. Two men who can swear eternal love for … Read More

TRISTAN AND ISOLDE

Poffy The Cucumber

ROMEO AND JULIET meets mincing BRAVEHEART. Don’t look for any historical resonance in this version of TRISTAN AND ISOLDE, reimagined yet again for a modern audience, with a blond babe sporting tresses slapping her backside and James Franco flexing his muscles as much as possible. So no aspect of this Kevin Reynolds-directed romancer should be confused with the actual legend … Read More

MILK

Poffy The Cucumber

Got Rights? Life really did begin at 40 for Harvey Milk. Unfortunately, it ended at 48. MILK follows the short, comet-across-the-skies career of Harvey Milk (Sean Penn), the first gay official elected to public office in the Close-minded United Hypocrite States of America. We meet Milk in the waning hours of his 39th birthday, picking up a stranger (James Franco … Read More

IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH

Poffy The Cucumber

Into the Valley of Death… ‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’ Was there a man dismay’d ? Not tho’ the soldier knew Some one had blunder’d: Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do & die, Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. — “The Charge of The Light Brigade,” Alfred, Lord Tennyson. The … Read More

SPIDER-MAN 3

Poffy The Cucumber

Really Swingin’. What an adventure! SPIDER-MAN 3 is a swingin’ soiree; a chill-er thriller ladykiller that tops both its previous incarnations with smooth-headed, web-spangling adventure and vibrant, flesh-colored emotion. Heroes tainted by evil, villains infused with poignancy, lovers circling in triangles and Topher Grace as the meanest metrosexual this side of AMERICAN IDOL. Writer-director Sam Raimi bats it out of … Read More

SPIDER-MAN 2

Poffy The Cucumber

Spider Sense-tingling. Grander, faster, slicker than its predecessor, director Sam Raimi’s SPIDER-MAN 2 is more action-packed, more thrill-rided, more rollercoastered than SPIDER-MAN (2002) – but though its plaudits stretch skyscraper tall, its demerits run Mariana Trench deep. Based loosely on the comicbook episode Spider-man No More, plot finds Dr. Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina, in strapping scenery-chewing mien) “tampering in God’s … Read More

SPIDER-MAN 2002

Poffy The Cucumber

Hangin’ With The Big Boys. Great Scott! They’ve done it right! From the web-woven opening credits to the last strains of the cartoon theme as the copyrights roll, SPIDER-MAN joins the pantheon of underpanted heroes whom the movie forum has portrayed as mightily as their bulging quadriceps (at this movie’s release date, that being only SUPERMAN and BATMAN – the … Read More