THE CONJURING

Poffy The Cucumber

Paradise by the Jump-Scare Light. If this movie didn’t have jump-scares, it wouldn’t have any scares at all. Clichéd Haunted Houses Monthly awarded THE CONJURING its highest honor: “Best Movie With A Middle-American Family Moving Into An Obvious Haunted House Where Murders Were Committed.” The movie was also given a plaque by the Organization For Jump-Scares And Orchestra Stabs, with … Read More

AQUAMAN 2018

Poffy The Cucumber

Will make you wet. AQUAMAN graduates to jewel of the DC Comics universe, as it finds a perfect mix of action, humor, sex and surf. An American screenwriter’s dream come true, for its fishy foreshadowing and porpoiseful payoffs (couldn’t resist!); an origin story and a high sea adventure, an undersea war and a touching family redemption. It’s got everything, from … Read More

FAST & FURIOUS 7

Poffy The Cucumber

The Stupidous Furious. The FURIOUS franchise is TWILIGHT for men. — YouTube comment. Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker. What do you think of when someone asks you NOT to think of Paul Walker? Answer: Paul Walker. This is the case in FURIOUS 7, where it … Read More

INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2

Poffy The Cucumber

In-Silly-ous. Taking for granted the world has seen INSIDIOUS, writer Leigh Whannell and co-writer/director James Wan drop us into INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2 like step-children being dropped off in the woods to fend for ourselves or die. If you haven’t seen INSIDIOUS, you’re in for a treat of characters you don’t know appearing in places you never saw doing things you … Read More

INSIDIOUS

Poffy The Cucumber

Not Normally this Para. Uh-oh. I need to turn on the lights… INSIDIOUS is one of the few modern horror films that is truly scary. Not many movies can hold your nerves hostage like THE EXORCIST or THE OMEN, but INSIDIOUS comes close, with atmospheric direction, blood-chilling sequences and lots of screeching violins. A family with three kids moves into … Read More

SAW III

Poffy The Cucumber

Now it’s just painful. A horror movie with brains… splashing all over your feet as they fall out of someone’s skull. Okay, now it’s officially gratuitous. SAW III begins the ruination of the SAW franchise. Not only is it needlessly gory, original SAW writers Leigh Whannell and James Wan try to connect the existing SAW movies in a Grande Trilogy … Read More

SAW

Poffy The Cucumber

To Die For. It’s all about the story, innit? SAW dives into its second act in its first minute: Two men in a subterranean TRAINSPOTTING bathroom, chained by their ankles to steel pipes at opposite ends of the room. A dead man lies in a pool of blood on the floor; in his hands, a gun and microcassette player. The … Read More

DEATH SENTENCE

Poffy The Cucumber

Sizzling Bacon. The actual sequel to Charles Bronson’s 1974 DEATH WISH, the movie DEATH SENTENCE (written by same author, Brian Garfield, in 1975) delivers a solid thematic punch, pounding us with the message that if enacted decisively and quickly, vigilante revenge can be fruitful and satisfying, but dilutes its own message with its sappy denouement. (So many movies chicken out … Read More