Tits and Guns and Blood and Tits. Jason Statham‘s big-dick energy once again sees him running rampage in Los Angeles streets, mowing down gangsters, and getting laid in public. This movie’s predecessor, CRANK (2006) followed hitman Chev Chelios (Statham) after he was injected with a drug that would kill him if his adrenalin dropped below a certain level. Think SPEED … Read More
MEG 2: THE TRENCH
Scraping the bottom of the trench. Jason Statham gets ONE semi-hearted jutsu scene at the beginning of MEG 2: THE TRENCH, then it’s just a dumb fish movie from there… If you want a shark movie that’s stupid, try SHARKNADO. For a shark movie that’s boring, try THE MEG. If you want a shark movie that’s boring AND stupid, then … Read More
THE MEG
MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) vs. MMA (Massive Marine Animal). Marine biologists unwittingly unleash a prehistoric Megalodon shark from under the Mariana Trench, and only one thing can stop it – Mixed Martial Arts. Well, not really – this movie is not the finesse of opening a bottle-cap with a spinning side-kick, it’s much more big and blunt. In the stupid … Read More
FAST & FURIOUS 7
The Stupidous Furious. The FURIOUS franchise is TWILIGHT for men. — YouTube comment. Vin Diesel underacts his way through a car-slut thug-fest that loses focus in its last act because – Paul Walker. What do you think of when someone asks you NOT to think of Paul Walker? Answer: Paul Walker. This is the case in FURIOUS 7, where it … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES 3
The Dependable Cliché-ables. Sylvester Stallone buys a book from amazon.com called 1001 Dependable Movie Clichés (and How To Utilize Them All In One Movie). Then he writes THE EXPENDABLES 3. DEPENDABLE CLICHÉ: Break an old team member out of jail. Barney Ross (Stallone), leader of the ragtag mercenary guerilla group The Expendables (Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture and Terry … Read More
PARKER
Easy revenge, hard injuries. He’s Jason Statham. He beats people up. As usual. But in PARKER, what isn’t so usual is that Statham, in the title role, actually gets hurt while beating people up. Like “real life” hurt. Hurt bad. That’s the best element in this stock actioner where Mr. Statham (THE MECHANIC 2011) and director Taylor Hackford (RAY) take … Read More
13
Target Malpractice. A man down on his luck accepts an invitation to make big money – and inadvertently finds himself the 13th gunman in an underground Russian Roulette game. “13” sets up the clichéd premise immediately: electrician Vince Ferro (Sam Riley) needs money for his dad’s operation. While he is busy connecting wires at a client’s home, he overhears the … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES 2
This time it’s Poisonal! THE EXPENDABLES 2 finds the sinister Church (Bruce Willis) sending his obviously irreplaceable team The Expendables (led by Sylvester Stallone) on a mission into some war-torn country with rebels or something, to get something-something from a crashed plane for the purpose of something-something. It doesn’t matter. The Expendables complete this mission within ten minutes. Now they … Read More
THE EXPENDABLES
The Man Show. Ladies, don’t go near this movie if you don’t want to get pregnant. Sylvester Stallone and his man-team infiltrate a junta compound to rescue a chick. Explosions. Gunfire. Wrestling matches. Man-banter. Big explosions. Then some bigger explosions. Then an explosion so big it will rattle the testosterone right out of your ballsac and into the nearest female’s … Read More
LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS
LOCK, STOCK comes at us with two smoking barrels. “Right! Let’s sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy and those who love me from the ones who don’t…” Bacon (Jason Statham) and Eddie (Nick Moran) work a street crowd with their hot merchandise. Cops. They flee. When the film suddenly crashes into super-slomo, and a hard, … Read More
CRANK
Crank-y. Super stylish. Super amped. Super shallow. Still, any movie that opens with Quiet Riot’s Bang Your Head scarring the soundtrack can’t be all that bad. And writer-directors Mark Neveldine‘s and Brian Taylor‘s CRANK isn’t all that bad. It isn’t all that good either. A hitman, Chev Chelios (Jason Statham, as British as fuck), has been injected with The Beijing … Read More
SNATCH
SNATCH will grab. Released on the heels of his stylish, dangerous LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS, SNATCH simultaneously solidified the grit-edged, flamethrower directorial style of Guy Ritchie, even as it launched Jason Statham into his TRANSPORTER leading man roles; heralded an altogether explosive performance from Alan Ford as Brick Top; proved yet again the go-to value of Rade Sherbedgia … Read More